sex too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
sex too soon?
7
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 4:11pm
Well like all women when it comes to men I am as confused as I can be. I am in my early 30's and a week ago I was introduced (by a good friend) to a guy that's 8 years younger than me. Our first date was incredible ... never laughed so much and had so much fun in my life. Afterwards, he took me home and we sat outside til past 3a.m. talking. Although we shared some very passionate kisses I was trying to do the right thing ... I didn't let him stay and on his way home he fell asleep and wrecked. I ended up having to go pick him up and have his vehicle pulled out of a ditch. Luckily he was not injured but ended up having to stay at my house anyway. Lot of good it did to send him home :) He was a complete gentleman and held me in his arms like I'd been there all my life.

He came out to see me again Monday night and we talked for a while and he left. Tuesday there was a tragedy in my family, and he did come out to the hospital for a brief moment. Wednesday we talked via phone. Thursday night he came out and well things got a little carried away. My emotions were running high from the incident earlier with my family and I hope I didn't screw this up by diving in too soon. I don't usually do that. We spent all day Saturday together and he stayed over Saturday night so I don't think it scared him away, I just don't want the relationship to be based on sex. Should I back up and say okay no more until we get further into this or is it too late for that. I don't want him thinking I do this with everyone ... do I tell him that? We have talked about other people but I haven't asked him if he's seeing anyone because I don't want him to think I am smothering him ... but I do have a right to know this now right?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 4:57pm
Um...where's the fire ;-)??? You're seeing him WAAAAAAY too much for just having met, IMO. Once or twice a week for the first month or two is *plenty*. You want to get to know him slowly over time, and r'ships that start off fast and furiously tend to fizzle out just as fast.

OF COURSE sex too soon isn't going to "scare him away"...I'm sure he's loving it!

I would either back things up (very hard to put the genie back in the bottle though!) or talk to him about exclusivity, because personally I can't deal with sleeping with someone who's dating or sleeping with other people.

And no, I wouldn't say "I don't do this with everyone"...that smacks too much of "the lady doth protest too much", ya know?

Sheri



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:36pm
Yeah I guess you're right ... why would he get scared away ... what was I thinking? lol

I think we saw each other so much at first because of all the commotion going on around us. Plus there was instant attraction and we can't keep our hands off each other even if it's just hugging. I am just scared with this starting out this fast it's going to be based on sex alone and not emotions or true feelings. I appreciate your honesty. Usually I make sure there is exclusivity there before I take this step but it happened and now I am in a bad spot. I have the opportunity to go out with an ex this weekend, but don't really want to; however, I don't want to say no and close all my options if this isn't headed anywhere. BOY BOY BOY do I get myself in some spots.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:33pm
i see nothing wrong with seeing a guy to much at first what's going to happen your going to get to know him to fast. i've seen my boyfriend almost everyday since we started dating five months ago and if i don't see him i talk to him on the phone sometimes both.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:20pm
I don't understand why you aren't suppose to see/talk to someone very much at first either. I mean you are both caught up in the emotions of wanting to learn every thing possible about the other what better way to see if you are compatible than to see if you get sick of each other right off the bat.

My biggest concern with my situation is his age. He is only 23. Although he does act mature for his age, I can remember where my mind was at 23 heck still is sometimes now and it wasn't on commitment. I truly think I have screwed up here. Just wish I would have thought about all this BEFORE we got so involved. I am smarter than this and it really irritates me to know I was so irresponsible. Oh well, spilt milk.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:54pm
It's because it takes a whole bunch of TIME (not just hours spent together, but actual passing time, in the sense of weeks and months) spent observing a person's behavior to see what a person is *really* like. If you spend a whole bunch of time together early on, you will tend to get overly infatuated with the unreal "best face forward" picture that everyone presents at the beginning, so that when the real person, flaws and all, finally starts to come out (which generally starts to happen about 3-4 months into a r'ship), you're too far gone emotionally to be even *remotely* objective.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:44pm
i beleive that there is a time and place for everything. you spent so much time with him over that week, so you feel comfortable with him right? well youre an adult and the best thing for a relationship is honesty. i had sex with my boyfriend on the 3rd date, and 2 1/2 years later we are still together, so it could be a great thing. but we talked about what we were doing and where we were going with this. thats the best advice i can give you because ive been there...almost to the tee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 9:45am
Yes I feel more comfortable with him already than I have some guys I have gone out with for months. I can see a little "charmer" in him, but they all do that ... some are just better than others. We are backing up and regrouping so hopefully it will be okay. I do plan on having some sort of "talk" with him next time we are alone. I don't want to be pushy towards exclusivity but I am going to ask for sexual monogamy or all bets are off. He is young but does act much older. Heck the mutual friend that introduced us is 53 years old and is practically his best friend.

Another question I have is about people around us pushing us forward. Everywhere we go people are telling us how good we look together, and now his sister is even kind of pushing the situation. Telling his parents how much I "fit" in their group and so on. I am afraid this kind of pressure is going to have us both running in the other direction; however, it isn't really my place to tell his sister to lighten up.