sexual request - do I do it to keep him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
sexual request - do I do it to keep him
8
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:05am
This is a very embarassing situation to talk about. My boyfriend of 1 year (who I thought I knew) just asked me to follow him and do something that I am not completely comfortable with. He wants to "swing"; he wants to watch me have sex with one man while he has sex with this other man's wife/girlfriend. I am bisexual and he enjoys that a lot. I had told him before that I don't want to have another guy and he kept saying that he did not either. That was a lie!.
He told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he loves me a lot. He says that he enjoys watching his girlfriend with another man and him with someone else; to him is not a big deal because hedoes not love me any less. I thought that I will be crazy and try it but here is where I get stuck. He told me that if I do this one thing he will not leave me. But if I don't he does not know what will happen to us. I thought he loved me but I guess he is putting this desire ahead of me. when i told him that i was not sure he got angry and would not kiss me; he even did not sleep with me. that hurts me al lot. How can he say that he loves me when he is basing our relationship on a sexual fantasy. I am very unhappy right now and deep down i know i need to let him go. it has been one year and i love him a lot but i don't know if i can live the rest of my life with someone that is so selfish. I tried talking to him and he told me he didn't want to talk; he said to him this "action" is not a big deal and i am making a big deal for nothing. What do I do? should i make an attempt to explain to him my feelings or just leave; i hate to throw away some much time and my heart is breaking right now. please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:28am

RUN! Run for your life! This guy doesn't love you, he's manipulating you to do what he wants. Why do something you're not comfortable with to keep a guy? He's not even worth keeping! He sounds like trash! If this guy loved you, he wouldn't want to see you with another man and he wouldn't manipulate you the way he's doing.

I would tell him to take a hike, that I have more respect for myself and not cave in to his unreasonable demands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 8:53am

The short answer, if you have sex with another man and tolerate your boyfriend having sex with another woman, a situation you clearly don't want, I wonder what boyfriend is going to ask you to do next. Don't think for a minute this man's sexual fantasies will end after one orgy.

You know it is time to move on, and I would agree. A good SO does not ask their partner to have sex with someone else if they aren't into it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:17am

I'm glad it doesn't sound like you're contemplating doing something because you're blackmailed into doing it. How dare he say you're making a big deal for nothing. That he doesn't understand or respect your feelings certainly says he's not someone to be involved with! It sounds like you've already make an attempt to explain your feelings but you can make one last effort in your "breakup" conversation.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:52pm

A person who loves you (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, friend) will NOT force you into a situation like this. If you do this, you'll always live under the threat of him leaving you for some reason because you're not doing what he wants.


It may be hard but I would leave. He doesn't love you, he wants you to do what he wants without consideration for your feelings...


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:55pm
Dump him fast! This happened to me before where he tried to manipulate and pressure me into something I did not want to do. If he cared for you he would not ask you to do something you are not comfortable with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 4:17pm
As I've said before absolutely get away from this user ASAP!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 6:04pm

<< He told me that if I do this one thing he will not leave me. But if I don't he does not know what will happen to us. >>

Sorry, but if someone said somethign like that to me ... put that sort of condition on the relationship, then ... I'd be DONE! A person who LOVES YOU is not going to put that sort of condition upon you and give you that sort of ultimatum ... "do this, and I'll stay ... don't, and I might walk."

Sorry, but ... I'd be saying "if that's how it's going to be, there's the door!"

Hon, if you have an ounce of self-respect, you will not allow him to impose this upon you in this way. If you want to "swing" with another man, fine ... but, it should be your choice, not your BF's choice. And if your BF only wants to be with you if you DO THIS FOR HIM ... well, you're better off without the guy. You'll get over it. Losing him. But, ultimately, it's not a LOSE ... because, you don't need a guy like that, ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 1:05am
It's likely that you told him you were bisexual soon after meeting him. I think that's why he got with you in the first place. He figured you were more likely to swing and do 3somes than a strictly hetero woman would. He had this planned from the beginning, and if I were you I'd be so angry to be played like that. You know what he is. So what if you've invested in him and you love him? He is NOT what you thought he was, and staying with him won't change him into that. It's time to go. I'm sorry for your pain, I've been in a similar situation, but there is no way this can turn out well.