Shady voicemail???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Shady voicemail???
2
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:59pm

i need advice re: my boyfriend. i really did it this time...i got myself in a jam and i don't know how to get out. well, for those of u who have followed my story--after i ended things with ex-fi i got back together with my only true love (we were together for 4 yrs and apart for 2)...we have been back for just about a year.
back in the fall, he did something stupid--went out with his friends after he left my house and never told me b/c he thought i would get mad--he stayed out really late and got caught b/c he didn't call me until the next afternoon. (we always text message each other @ work in the morn and then email--i also know his cell phone code--which he doesnt know about--so i got the 411 from there)...i have some trust issues to start but that incident brought them to the surface...

i spoke to my therapist and he told me in the big scheme of things it's not a big deal, he screwed up but apologized left and right...i even took a 2 day break etc etc...shortly after that i would periodically check his voicemail b/c i didn't trust completely that he wasn't going out late at night.

the checking of his phone decreased and eventually i stopped. i got most of my trust back...until today, ughh! i didn't get my text early this morning...so i called his phone and decided to check his messages, BIG MISTAKE!

u heard work voicemails and then i heard what sounded to be a professional woman, "it's so and so, it's 12:00 on thursday, sorry i missed ur call, etc etc...but @ the end she says...maybe we can chill out later if u want to"...well my stomach dropped to the floor. it could very well be someone in his industry--we frequently go to happy hour so he can network, he has a million clients, i am constantly meeting new people with him, etc etc..

but the fact is, i CAN'T ask him about it b/c he would kill me and probably end our relaitonship if he knew i was checking his messages. i am so sorry i did it b/c what could be an innocent message has me going crazy!!!

when we finally got in touch today, around 12, he had been on an appointment all morning and couldnt contact me. so i got insecure about his wherabouts b/c of the incident back in the fall...

i gave him a MAJOR attitude today which he is not appreciating at all...but i cant tell him why! now i want to check his messages like a mad woman and look @ his phone when i see him later.

i need help with this if anyone can relate--i feel like an emotional lunatic! my therapist told me a longggggggg time ago to stop checking his messages b/c it can only destroy things. what may be innocent may not sound so....but what if it ISN'T innocent.

let me also add, that we are supposed to be getting engaged VERY shortly...we spend every day together, every weekend, our relationship is a very close with one with both of our families, etc...u get the picture.

help!
thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 8:13pm
The voicemail doesn't necessarily sound shady to me. I'm not sure exactly what all your trust issues are, but if you can't trust him when you're not able to check on him every second, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him, IMO. I don't know if it's him or you, but something's wrong. I think you either have to accept that you can't know everything or figure-out if maybe this guy doesn't have the quality of character you're looking for? Maybe you've tried to rationalize away more significant things he's done in the past and it's coming to a head with this situation? I don't know, but you'll both be miserable if you proceed this way. Best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 12:22am
i confronted my BF tonite, and i won't go into details, but yes, it was innocent. i hate myself for snooping, it's almost like i'm TRYING to find something. and i don't stop until i do...it's very destructive behavior--it indirectly destroys the relationship. from this point on, i am going to make conscious efforts daily to trust my bf. he shows me every day, in so many different ways how much he loves me--and i love him more than anything in the world--i don't want to lose him. thanks , all advice is much appreciated and understood...i know i have trust issues, have had them since i'm little for lots of reasons- i will continue to work on them :)