She Told Me She Loves Me? Huh?!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
She Told Me She Loves Me? Huh?!!
14
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:57pm
Statements from my girlfriend,

"I love you"

"I know you don't believe in intercourse before marriage, but you are THE one, so if you want to have intercourse, it's okay with me."

"You are everything I want. You are the one."

All of the above statements were made after she had a few drinks in her.

The following statements wer made sober.

"I'm falling for you."

"Your romantic letter made me cry."

Here's the deal. I'm always the one to initiate contact. I'm always the one to grab her hand. Unless, of course, we've been drinking, then she attacks me.

I don't like this pattern. Does she really love me? She tends to be an introvert, but to use the strong words she uses when she's drinking.. man.. it hits my heart. I'm confused right now and hurting a bit because I want to hear it from her sober.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:23pm
I agree that 4-6 drinks is a LOT. Unless that amount of alcohol is spaced over six or more hours (one drink per hour), most people will become very inebriated whether or not their speech is slurred.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:43pm
4-6 drinks over the period of dinner and talk, about 3 hours. Hmmm... She's about 125, I'm about 225. I see the point.


Edited 3/17/2004 3:44 pm ET ET by routerx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:07pm
Here's my take on your situation. You've been dating each other for 6 weeks, a very short time, and what you both feel is called infatuation. You may be in the early stages of falling deeply in real love with each other, but right now you simply haven't been together long enough, you haven't tested your relationship through repeated times of trouble, stress, and the good times too - often enough to be certain that you are right for each other.

People are usually on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. We tend to make an extra effort to please each other and gloss over any negative qualities we notice in the other. Sometimes we don't even notice those less than wonderful qualities because the heady feelings of infatuation make us blind to them.

You are questioning whether her statements professing affection or love for you are to be believed, when under the influence or when sober. Realize that drinking does lower inhibitions and what a person says at the time may be true and may not be true. How often have you heard a person suffering from a hangover, say something like, "I can't believe I said that", or "I can't believe I did that last night"?

You mentioned that she said, while sober, that she was falling for you. I think she was expressing her infatuated feelings for you and she was being honest. She may not be ready to say ILY outright, but "falling for you" is a way of saying that.

She told you she wanted to make love with you, and she initiates physical contact only when she's been drinking. When her inhibitions are lowered she feels comfortable expressing her desire for you, but she does not when sober. Why do you think that is? My guess is that she actually does feel that way about you when she is sober, but something is holding her back from expressing it. Likely she does not feel confident enough, for some reason, to do so.

I suggest you do your best to help her to feel safe in expressing her affection for you. There may be something you've said, for example making judgments about the "type" of girls who fall all over their guys, girls who dress "slutty", girls who "put out", etc. that make her fear you'd judge her should she cross some invisible line with you. I'm not saying you HAVE done that, but think about it. Other than that, you should talk to her and simply tell her what you would like from her, and say it very gently with no hint of accusation. One way of doing that is to say something like, "It made me feel happy when you grabbed my hand and held it the other night". She'll get the message.

I hope things continue to progress positively between you, and that you base your relationship on respect and communication as well as love. And it's best to keep the drinking to one or two drinks. A woman of 125 pounds is likely to get drunk on 3 drinks - I know I do and I weigh more than that. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:15pm
Thank you for those words.

I'm leaving for 10 days, a vacation in Mexico. I think this will be a good time to step back (away) from it all and come back with a fresh perspective.

Thanks again.




Edited 3/17/2004 7:16 pm ET ET by routerx

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