Sheer confusion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Sheer confusion.
18
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 9:50am

Dear anyone who can help me... and please do help, hold nothing back!

I'm involved in a long distance relationship with an Irish guy (I'm Canadian)for a year now. He was in Toronto for 5 months when we met, then I travelled to visit him, then we met up for a summer holiday in England recently. We email back and forth quite often...
My confusion stems from the fact that I am totally getting mixed messages from him, and am completely beyond the point of rationalizing any of it.

On New Years he said "I Love You", then he won't EVER say it again. He won't even tell me "love ya'" at the end of a phone conversation, but then he'll blow a kiss. He didn't deny saying it on New Years, but he had been drinking that night obviously...Then on the phone after I return home, he tells me that he doesn't love me, in those words. Then he signs his emails "Love" and writes how much he would "love" to see me again, and he misses me; he would "love" to see more pictures of me at parties etc. OK, so then in London as we said goodbye at the airport, he says "you're good for me", "I could grow to love you" and "I love being around you".

I don't know what to think... Does he love me or not????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:15am
I'm not saying that LDR don't work, but when he's on and off again then you might have to deal with the fact that he might be dating someone in Ireland, he might be off of the idea. He might like you, but you're not a real woman he can cuddle tonight.
Is there a plan to move to Ireland? Is he moving to Canada? Why put all this energy on a penpal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:41am

Thanks for replying downbythebay. It's very hard to articulate the entire situation in a forum message so I tried to keep it short and sweet to my question. Based on the info I provided, does he love me or what???

Regarding him dating others in Ireland, I know quite a few people over there, girls, who I'm close with... they were the ones who informed me about his past when I first met him in Toronto. He's not dating any one else. Hypothetically, if he were I don't think he would even bother emailing or calling me, right?
I totally understand your question "why spend all this energy on a penpal?" Why is because I love him and to some extent know that he loves me by his actions, I'm just confused by what he says.
He doesn't have plans to move to Canada and I don't have plans to move to Ireland, but the topic cannot even be broached until both of us finish graduate school and enter the work force.
So, back to my question, including this new info, does he love me or what???

Thanks for any insight any one can give...I'm still confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:09am
Regardless of how he is feeling, he isn't interested in verbalizing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:33am
Do all men not verbalize their feelings or is this one unique? And why won't he?
This still doesn't answer the question though...I'm still asking for that answer. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:36am

We have no clue to what he is feeling. Some men, just like some women, don't like to talk about how they feel. But many men are very capable of telling people how they feel about them.

Why won't he? That would be a good question to ask him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:43am

Air - we are not the ones that can answer that question, unfortunately. If I were to judge by his actions, I think he cares for you a lot but may not know whether he loves you. The fact that he said it and took it back is pretty telling.

But you can ask us all you want - we're not the ones that know his mind. Only he does. If you are afraid to ask him about this, that is pretty telling too - you probably don't want to hear the answer or think you might not hear what you want to hear. Good communication is key to any relationship. If you want to know if he loves you, ask him! Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:24pm
I think this is an interesting conversation for you to have with him, dn't you? How does he define love...what does it mean when he says I love you and then stops saying it?
When people post that the guy just wants to IM or write, but never actually date, I just think that the people are getting their needs met via IM or writing and don't need anything more. Do you think there might be something along those lines? His needs are being met right now and he doesn't need more?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2005
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 3:16pm
how does he treat you? do you think he loves you, based on his behavior? listen to your intuition. Men are often not very good at verbalizing their emotions, and many of them dont totally understand their emotions- poor, simple creatures they are. i am in a similar situation, where my boyfriend will not say it, and says he is not "there yet." yet in my opinion and by my definition of love, i feel that he loves me. look at the big picture- are you happy in the relaionship? does he treat you right? do you think he loves you? do you trust him? with an LDR, you have to have unshakable trust, because you do not know how each other spends a typical day. i say, try no to worry about what he says (unless he says horrible things), but look at what he does and how he treats you. i know it is hard not to worry but you must try. and with an LDR, often all you have is verbal communication. LDRs do work sometimes, if you are both equally committed. good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 3:57pm
Thank you Jen. That was a very sincere reply, I appreciate it.
He treats me wonderfully which is why I really feel that he loves me. Just sometimes you need to hear it to be sure, doubting your own instincts can be unnerving. When I was sick he made me dinner, I couldn't eat it so he made me soup and kissed my forehead when he served it to me. Little things tell me that he loves me, which is also why he confuses me... if he acts like he does and he did say it once (albeit while semi-drunk on New Years) then why can't he say it again.
The reason why I was asking what the women here thought is because it's good to hear other perspectives that you might have overlooked. I'm confused because he keeps expressing different things, he won't say the words again, but he'll act like it and sign "Love" before his name. So, it's just does he or doesn't he. Which as other people here have said, I just have to ask him that. (I was just curious what an outside view was based on the simple facts).
As far as trust is concerned, I was in a year long relationship 2 years ago where he lived 20 minutes drive from my house... but I didn't trust him at all. 3000 miles and I trust him more than 20 min. apart. So I don't think that the old adage "long distance relationships don't work" is right, it's all relative.
The fact that your guy said "yet" hopefully bodes well for both of you... at least he didn't come right out and say "I don't love you". That's a man's way of saying, it is very very possible(according to my close 'man' friends).
I think you're very wise; I have to not think about what he doesn't say and look at the bigger picture... and you might be surprised but even in LDR's there are actions that speak louder than phone convos, letters and emails.
Good luck to you too Jen.
p.s. I suppose it's also our instinct to be weary of men who might be toying with us by not saying those 3 little words, which is why we worry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2005
In reply to: air420
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 4:17pm

it is good to be wary of men. for me, the scarier ones are the ones who are too quick to say it. they may say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. in my past two failed relationships, the guys has said it first, very early. i am all for something different!

my guy says things like, i love to be with you, i love spending time with you, i love your... etc. once we were at a comedy show, and the comedian aske "who out there is in love?" and he clapped.

i would say one thing, maybe your relationship is different and it would be the right thing for you to ask, but let me tell you what i did. i decided i could not take it any more, so i laid it on the line. i made a pre-planned speech in which i told him i loved him and said that i needed to know right then if he loved me. he said he really really liked me but was not there yet. he said he thought i was the one, that i was the best thing that ever happened to him, please dont give up on him, he was burned so badly before, yadda yadda yadda. i KNEW before the conversation that he loved me (i still know it), and i KNEW he would say it back, but he didnt!!! i was devastated. for days i stewed on it, and was sad and confused. he said he did not want things to change or be weird, and that when he did say it, i could know he meant it.

now, i am comfortable with our relationship (he still hasnt said it). i do not regret being true to myself by telling him how i felt, but i regret asking if he felt the same. he treats me right, he respects me, adores me, and i trust him completely. i think when some men say "i love you" they are saying forever, and it is a huge deal. some just have to be cautious. "i love you" means different things to everyone. when he says it to me, it will be the sweetest moment of my existence thus far. if he never does, i will go forward, and move on with my life. but i respect him for hs honesty and for not letting me pressure him into saying it before he was ready.

your guy will say it when he is ready. he wont forget to say it, and i think when he does, you can believe him. it really sounds like you two have a good thing going. try to relax and not be anxious- i am doing the same. relaionships are more genuine when we let them happen without forcing it.

thanks for your kind words as well! reassurance is great! it is nice to know i am not the only one who feels this way!

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