should he be dumped after 2yrs?
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should he be dumped after 2yrs?
| Mon, 08-22-2005 - 6:28pm |
I have been dating this guy for almost two years. He broke up with me about five months ago, only for four days. It came about after I got agitated about something and said to him i hate being around someone not knowing if their feelings have gotten any deeper than when we first met.He said well if you cant tell how i feel about you through all the things i have done for you then maybe we shouldnt be together. He called me later that day and broke up with me-Neither one of us had ever told the other we loved them, however when he broke up with me I told him on the phone that i loved him and that i wished i had told him this earlier.His response was "i will talk to you later" and he hung up. Four days later he calls me up and wants to talk and get back together. The same evening after we get back together and we are getting ready to go to sleep i told him that i loved him again and he didnt say anything back.A few days later he tells me the reason he broke up with me was because he had never dated anyone as long as he had been dating me and he got cold feet. I often wonder if he broke up with me to have a fling -i wouldnt think that he would do something like that but his behavior was just odd. My concern is -why hasnt he said after two yrs that he loves me-sure his actions are great but after two years come on. i dont want to bring this up again with him for fear he will get cold feet again-but i dont know what to do-should i accept the fact he might not love me and deal with it? our 2yr anniversary is coming up soon and hes has forgotten about it because he told me about plans that he has made with the guys -which i realized will take place during our anniversary weekend.

A few questions:
I don't want to rush to judgement without having those questions answered so please let me know and we can go from there... I'm sure others will respond as well.
I have only discussed it with him the two times. The first was, after he dumped me over the phone he called a couple of days later to say hello (he dumped me because the previous night I had said that I felt like I was dating someone who had the same feelings for me as the day we met- I was trying to get him to open up and say he loved me-but it came out all wrong). Towards the end of his dump me call I told him I loved him and I wished that I had said it sooner in the relationship. His response was-"I have to go" and hung up. The second time was the day we got back together-I stupidly said "I don’t care if you do or don't but I love you". He didn’t say anything in return-we were watching TV and he fell asleep a short time later. At the time I was just happy to get him back and I didn’t want him to feel the pressure of having to say it back to me-but that was 5-6 months ago.
I did alert him a couple of days ago about our anniversary -it took a lot of hinting but he finally remembered. He didn’t make any plans with me or say that he wasn’t going out with the guys. It seemed like he was kind of getting touchy about the subject too-probably because I was giving so many hints and never coming out and saying what was on my mind.
I am pretty sure he won’t go with them that weekend. (I feel bad having to remind him of something that seems important to me. it seems if it was as important to him he would have remembered. last year he remembered without me telling him and it's not like we celebrate any other special anniversaries in our relationship that he has to remember). I guess I just have a better memory. I feel like talking to one of his close friends about my concerns-but what gives me the right to drag them into my problems-even though I’m sure they wouldn’t mind and could probably give me a little insight into what my boyfriend has been saying good or bad about me these last 2yrs.
Should I say something about how I feel again-I have said it twice now and I feel like he should be the one to say it next. Plus I don't want to scare him again.
In my experience, I have found guys are not the greatest with dates. That's not a rule, some are... but many of the ones I've dealt with haven't been. This includes my father who used to forget the exact date of my birth! LOL
As for telling him, I would say yes. But no hinting around it... simply tell him that you'd like to spend that weekend doing something special since it is your anniversary. The guys I know always fault girls because we just don't come out and say what we want. So I'd advise to try that in a nice way...
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
It doesn't sound like he's forgetting anniversaries, at least after you reminded him, or about the I love you issue, he's just avoiding them. I think he simply doesn't want to deal with the details of the relationship. He wants to take what there is and not give as much back. It sounds like a pattern in all his relationships. I can't say this unequivocably, but that's what it sounds like to me.
I'm struggling with anger about the same issue(s) right now so I'm probably not as objective as I could be. However, some behaviors are pretty indicative of where the person is coming from. I think he's testing you to see how much you'll take. Unfortunately, standing-up for yourself more probably won't give him a change of heart. He'll probably opt to find someone more promising for his low self-esteem issues. He's not treating you very well; from my observations, people generally treat others as well as they feel about themselves. Sorry you have to go through this.
I never thought of it that way but I think you are exactly right-he doesn’t want to deal with the details of our relationship.
However, there are lots of times he will surprise me by doing something nice like dinner etc. I guess he thinks that’s his way of saying he loves me without having to. I just don’t know what to do-when compared to other guys I have dated he has been the most considerate mature person and I should just quit my bitching and deal with it.
But he does have habits that aggravate me that he won't stop, like smoking & drinking -I keep thinking one day I want kids. Will a good portion of our money being going to these habits instead of our children's needs? He says when I started dating him I knew he drank so if I didn’t like it I should never have gotten into the relationship. (I didn’t know he drank as much as he does at that time) I feel like I am spinning my wheels-it's not like I am asking him to marry me, I just want to know if this person I have spent 2yrs with loves me or not without me having to beg for an answer. I am sure he will dump me again if I do stand up for myself. He is probably just waiting for something better to come along.
Thank you for your help-you seem to have really pegged this guy-low self esteem....
:-)