Should like him but not feeling "it" -

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Should like him but not feeling "it" -
5
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:02pm

Hello,

So I've gotten myself into a situation and am feeling really horrible about it.

I met this guy about 3 months ago, had our first date, he was really nice but unfortunately at that time I was still pining over my ex so I was honest with him and told him I didn't think I was as ready as I thought to be dating.

He was really good about it and thanked me for being honest.

Then over the course of 3 months I talked to a lot of people and put my ex behind me.

Then I e-mailed him to see how he was doing and we decided to meet up to go shopping for the day. Things went really well and we get along, have similar interests and he treated me perfectly. I couldn't really ask for anything more from a guy.

But, my problem is right now something feels missing, like that butterflies in the stomach, can't-wait-to-see-him-again feeling. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him but it's not like I'm dying to go see him or have a desire to really see him more than 1-2 times a week.

It's almost like I feel dead inside or something. I've felt like this with a few other guys over the summer too so first I'm wondering if maybe it's me that is having the problem and that deep down I just do not want to be in a relationship and that is why I'm feeling that way.

But then another part of me wonders, like in all honesty I do still have feelings for my ex (I tried to get back together with him but it didn't work - I have accepted though that there is no future with us otherwise I wouldn't have contacted this guy in the first place). But going back to the 'dead' feeling, lets just say my ex wanted to go out, I'd be there in a heartbeat because I felt those can't-wait-to-see-you-again feelings with him.

So I guess my question is do you think it's me that is having issues? Because if so I should probably stop dating so I don't hurt any more innocent guys in the process

or

Is it just that I haven't found the right guy?

And either way, I should probably not see this guy anymore right? based on these feelings? and how do I break this to him? I feel so horrible since he's giving me a second chance here and again I still don't have it together.

Sorry that was long...any advice would be terrific.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006

You just went out shopping with him....so I don't think you necessarily have to give him a big lengthy explanation of anything. It probablly does have something to do with your ex possibly, but then again it could be that you just aren't finding the right ones....only YOU can figure that out. Maybe take a little time to think things through, but I think it's important to put yourself back out there, and not dwell on your ex for too long.

I think that as women maybe we put a little too much pressure on ourselves to explain ourselves, and treat every single first date as a relationship, men don't do this, so I don't know why we feel we have to?!? You can be curtious and say "no thanks, I'm not interested", but beyond that I don't think there should be any expecations. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
I agree - try to relax and ease up, mostly on yourself.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003

I think it's probably a little bit of both... you still have some residual feelings for your ex, and you haven't met another guy you're attracted to enough. But try not to worry about it so much. The feelings for your ex will fade away as you keep moving on through life.

Sounds like you're going through a self-imposed "down time." Meaning, your heart knows it's time to regroup and stay out of relationships for a while. The harder you try to meet someone or get interested in someone, the less it's likely to work. I went through the same thing after a break up.

So give yourself a break and STOP trying to date and replace your ex. Just BE. There's a lot of relief and freedom when you decide it's okay not to like anyone right now... and there's definitely freedom in not worrying about whether someone likes you.

You'll have romance again and feel "it" when the time and the guy are right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004

Thanks so much for all your replies, it makes me feel so much better knowing maybe not all hope is lost.

So I guess now is just the question as to how to tell him this? I feel doubly bad this time since I've already sort of flaked out on him once (we went out the first time and it went well but I was then having really strong feelings for my ex and explained that to him, which he understood).

I guess I thought I was over that (which is why I contacted him again) but maybe I really am not. I just feel terrible for doing this to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003

You've only been out with this guy a couple of times? Well, if that's the case, you don't owe him any long, drawn out explanation. Nobody expects that after only one or two dates. If he's someone you recently met, all you have to do is stop accepting dates and phone calls. He'll get the message.

But it sounds like you'd like to maintain some kind of friendship with this guy. So you'd probably prefer a more direct "kiss off." Just tell him it was great meeting him but it turns out you're not ready to date anyone right now. That's really all you have to say. Please DON'T apologize profusely. You haven't done anything to feel guilty about.

Your friend's a big boy... he'll understand and he'll be fine.

Good luck.