Should I apologize to him????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Should I apologize to him????
3
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:43pm
I am in a serious relationship that have been in exsistence for over one year. My boyfriend and I have problems, which I am more than willing to work out, but it is very difficult. He has a friend to whom is married, however this friend spends a lot of time with us without his spouse. He come to our house and spends hours with us, on my birthday and my boyfriends birthday he always come out and spend time with us. I have developed a strong attraction to him, that has come suddendly. I value our friendship and him and my guy has been friends for years before I entered the picture. This friend really sends a lot of mixed feelings. Let me explain. His wife is pregnant, in her third trimester, however he comes over to spend time with us for hours, he pays attention to those little things I like he is a great listener, very observant. There are several incidents where he has displayed the attraction is mutual. Where the problem comes in is we are both in commited relationships, he is married and I am dating his friend. I am a true beleiver in morals and living my life right, I knew this feelings were wrong, but I am only human. The last time he came over he stayed until about 1am, we had a short opportunity for converstaion and I explained to him he stays on my mind and I would never disrespect him or his marriage. His reply " he respected my feelings, as long as there was no disrespect" I agreed because it was never my intent to complicate things. He said that night he forgot an item and would return to get it, but he did not come back. His tone when I explained to him my feelings it seem he was upset or maybe even disappointed. The only reason I told him was because it seem we are both not as happy as we should be in our current realtionship, and I think about him often and very attracted to him, and not really just a sexual attraction. But I explained my feelings because I did not want these feelings to manifest to lust, desire, fantasies, then reality. He is a great friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship nor the friendship him and my boyfriend share. He came over the very next day but I kept my distance instead of engaging in our normal routine when we all chill. He did not stay long at all. So I am very confused and wonder how he feels. Should I just apologize and explain I did not want to complicate things just protect our hearts and minds therefore we would not detroy our realtionships. Please reply. Also how can I get over him and these feelings?


Edited 6/24/2004 3:53 pm ET ET by spirit77077
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:30pm
You can be attracted to-even think about anyone in your life--the problem is ---you really shouldn't have told him. What exactly did you hope to gain--or do by that? I think that was asking for trouble. You say why you did it--but what you say makes no sense to me--he is married--you are dating his best friend. You have put him in a really awkward position now--will he tell his friend??? You also need to seriously re evaluate your current relationship. Is this fair to your boyfriend? How would you like it if the situation were reversed and it was your friend and boyfriend? Yes, we are all human--but I think you made a huge mistake by telling him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:43pm
Hello spirit!
Welcome to Ask the Dating Doyenne!!

First of all... my philosophy has always been, get out of one thing before you get into another, it is less complicated that way.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 5:12pm
Unfortunately you cannot unring the bell. What's done is done and apologizing isn't really going to make things any better IMO. You should have kept your feelings to yourself if you truly "don't want to ruin our friendship nor the friendship him and my boyfriend share." That's exactly what you may have done by telling your innermost feelings when it was not appropriate to do so. You sing his praises and say how great he is, blah blah blah. IMO he's not all THAT great if he's got a pregnant wife sitting at home alone all the while he's hanging out with his friends. Not very considerate!

There's not much you can do to make this situation better except steer clear of him and keep to yourself from now on. If you say anything, tell him you regret exposing your inappropriate feelings to him and that's it. Actually the person you should have shared your feelings with if you had to be so honest is your boyfriend! You're not considering him much through your behavior. He has the right to know you're pining after his friend, don't you think? If his buddy is such a good pal of his, he'll probably tell him what you said.

Hopefully you can learn from this and take the lesson into the future that some things are best kept to yourself. I'm not sure why you told him but I think it was a selfish act, done just b/c you found it hard to keep your feelings inside. The only outcome from exposing such feelings would be bad, any way you look at it. Practice more self control in the future. That's my advice.