Should I ask him this....
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 4:09pm |
I updated..my last post..
and now I have yet another question :(
I really need some inputs..
I really would like to ask him...perhaps his ultimate reason for not being "ready"....
is probably because he sees there is something *missing* in me?
I want to ask him .. if there is anything missing, or there is something he doesn't Like in me or my background or anything.....?! It could be the age factor(I am older), it could be that my parents are divorced? Or it could be...that he saw something in my personality that he did not like....or it could be that he couldnt "fall in love" with me (I know for sure though....that he is definitely attracted, and he cares a lot for me, and he agreed at one point that he has feelings for me...and that he felt "love" for me and I could totally feel the intensity and emotion between us when he was with me. Even when we have been apart, I feel the emotion and care in him).
According to me, we are extremely compatible. (But I don't know how he sees things).
I know I will sound very weak, asking such a question....but do you think I can go ahead and ask him that? I know, it's perhaps my low self-esteem....that is prompting me to ask this question to him...but, it's also perfectly possible...that we don't have a certain quality that he is looking for? Afterall, no one is perfect. if I get an honest answer from him, perhaps, it will help me in the future. Perhaps, I need soem constructive criticism....perhaps I need some feedback regarding where I can improve.
I know though, that I have constantly been "validated" by men all these years, who have not only asked me out, but have wanted to be with me for the "long haul". Have had men propose marriage to me. My friends tell me all the time that I deserve the best, becoz I offer the best. And Perhaps, THAT is the reason why I am SO in complete shock, that he is OK with losing what he can have with me. That's why I really, really wanna know his honest take.
So far the "not being ready" reason....is something I am unable to digest.
I feel there is "something" underneath that surface reason, that he is not divulging. And perhaps that reason is that there is something he finds missing in me, or us.
I know though.....what he will say. He will say there is Nothing wrong with me, and it's him, and not me. He has said the "it's not you, it's me" line a few times already...and when I challenged him saying that he is perhaps saying that just to make me feel better, he said it was not so.
Looking forward to your opinion...

Someone posted this on these boards not too long ago. I say read it, and take heart.
Let it go for 2006...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!! If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!! If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!! If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!! If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!! If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!! If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!! If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!! If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
I like the "let it go" idea.
You can ask, but he probably won't answer, or won't answer honestly.
And even if he does, all that does is show that the two of you aren't right for each other. But for someone who *is* right for you, whatever it is, it's not going to be an issue. So I don't think knowing is going to help you.
Plus, it probably IS about him, not you, especially given the distance and the fact that he's not going to be here long. A large part of being right for each other is timing and readiness.
Sheri
I feel so bad that you are torturing yourself over this. I don't know your story but if he is telling you "he is not ready" then believe it. Why would you want someone you had to convinced to be with you? What can you possibly gain from asking him the "real reason" he left? I only see more pain and heartache if you do this.
I know how hard it is when you feel that you didn't deserve this, but you cannot control what other people do or say. If it was meant to be, you would be with him. Don't torture yourself anymore, sometimes its better to let them go...if you continue talking and getting him to talk about it, there might things said or done that will not make it impossible to reconcile in the future. He told you "im not ready", move on...go on with your life....maybe later on down the road if you are still single and available and he becomes "ready" then it will all have been worth it. But why wait for anyone, life is too short, its better to go find someone new that will treat you the way you expect and deserve.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
Awesome post, blondie! Hopefully, OP takes it to heart.
And, to our OP, asking him if there's something about you that's lacking is well, rather demeaning to yourself. I mean, if you know what you have to offer, what does it matter if he doesn't see it or want it? (and very likely, given the distance, he just might not want to invest in getting to know you or see what you have to offer ... because, he sees this as something with an expiration date and it's not worth his time to get invested).
Only, at this point, he doesn't have the skill or finesse to know how to "shake you off" of him without a) hurting your feelings or b) having things go ugly. And yes, ending things with someone, tactfully and diplomatically, takes skill and social grace.
As for reasons ... look, he could say "well, I like blondes" ... and if you don't have blonde hair, what would you do? Dye your hair blonde to please him? (even though you never see him!) Please, no ... that's changing yourself for another person, which no one should have to do ... just to make themself into something the other person wants. That's lowering yourself. You don't need his validation or approval. Not when you have it for yourself ... not when you know what you have to offer. Perhaps that's where you should be placing your focus ... on your own self-validation, rather than looking to him for answers.
You say "it could be this, it could be that" ... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps? Instead of going there, how about just saying "I know who I am and what I have to offer" and forget about it.
Also, anyone who begrudges another person for their parent's being divorced is well, an idiot. That has nothing to do with the person, their parent's choices, that is. We are not our parents. You're stretching with that one, and you know it.
Please, don't take this the wrong way, but what you don't want to be is a "poster child" for the over-analytical woman!
You're stretching for a reason here. And the reason is clear as day: he doesn't want a relationship. Yet, for some reason, you don't want to accept that.
How about just saying "it is what it is" and bow out with grace and dignity, rather "looking weak" by asking him "what's wrong with me?"
I truly hope you don't go there. It's not dignified.