Should I ask him out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Should I ask him out?
22
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:57pm

I'm undecided whether it would be a good or a bad idea for me to ask out the guy I had dinner with the weekend before last. This is the same guy who didn't reply to my e-mail and then said he had not got it. (See the reading/misreading thread.) We had a friendly lunch today (we talked about ourselves more than the project he was giving me advice on) but no sparks that I noticed. I cannot tell if he is still attracted/interested or if he is just hoping to go back to a "friendship" relationship.

This Friday there is a concert that I want to go to. Usually I would ask one of my female friends to go with me. But I was thinking I could ask this guy. I figure he asked me out last time, now it is my turn to ask him out. Am I wrong?

I really like this guy as a friend (someone of similar interests and values to talk with). I'm also somewhat attracted to him as a man. I don't want to be too pushy, but I also don't want him to think I'm not interested. When we went out the other Friday, he said he would let me pay the next time, and he said he would like to have a cup of tea another time, etc. So I sort of thought he wanted us to date some more. So is it my turn to ask him out?

I'm sorry if I sound stupid, but dating again after 50, and after 20+ years of marriage is a bit confusing. Back then, women did not ask men out.

Elsa

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:54pm

Only if you're thinking that you just want to be friends with him, and you're just asking him to do something with you (as opposed to thinking of it as a date). Otherwise, I think you made it perfectly clear (by emailing him right after your dinner) that you are interested. If he wants to date you, he'll ask you out again, IMO.

But I think that if he were interested in you romantically, he wouldn't have said you could pay next time. I think he may have been trying to indicate that he wants to be friends by saying that.

Oh, except he kissed you...I'd forgotten that. Hmm. But I still think that if a guy's interested in dating you, he asks you out and KEEPS asking you out.

Sheri




Edited 10/30/2006 11:56 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:06am
I think you are thinking way too much. If you want to go to the concert with this man, ask him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:27am

Yeah, I guess I am getting contradictory messages from him. On the one hand, he kissed me. And he hastened to tell me that he didn't want to cancel our lunch together. On the other hand, he said nothing yesterday about getting together again, and in general doesn't act like someone who is courting. (He certainly took his time about answering my e-mail after our date.)

I don't think that his saying that he would let me pay another time is necessarily a sign that he isn't interested. I know a lot of men (my brother and my ex-husband included) feel that it is unfair for men to have to pay for all dates and appreciate it when a woman offers to share some of the costs. I would not go out again with a guy who expected me to pay half of our first date, especially if he had asked for the date in the first place, and if this guy had accepted my offer of paying, I would not be sitting here typing about this. But I felt it was right to offer, and I think that his agreeing that I could pay another time was more a sign that there would be another time than that he wasn't interested in me romantically.

What is bothering me is that I don't know how to convey to him that while I am interested in "something more" than friendship, I would also be perfectly happy with "just friendship." I don't want to spoil the friendship by seeming to chase him. On the other hand, I could see that he might expect me to make the next move toward "something more" by asking him out.

I wish he hadn't kissed me. It was just a peck on the lips, but it has changed everything. Without that peck on the lips, I could pretend and he could pretend that my inviting him to the concert is the same as my inviting one of my female friends to go with me to the concert. But now it isn't.

If one of us doesn't make an effort, months may pass before we even see each other again. Maybe that is the way it should be, if HE doesn't make an effort.

I hate dating.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:31am

I always "think way too much." It sometimes causes problems, but sometimes it avoids them. Hard to tell which it is, this time.

As I said in my earlier posts, I'm trying to figure out how to handle this friendship so that if it doesn't work out romantically it can still be a friendship.

If I ask him out, will he think I am chasing him?

If I don't ask him out, will he think I am not interested?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:58am

I think you first need to figure out what you want from this guy. It's not clear from reading your messages.

Are you interested in him as a boyfriend or just as a friend? And would you really be happy with being just friends with him? How would you feel if you asked him to the concert and he and his date would love to join you?

Once you know what you want, then you can decide what the best steps are to take to move towards what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:10am

"If I ask him out, will he think I am chasing him?

If I don't ask him out, will he think I am not interested?"

My answer to all of this is, who cares? This guy's interest level is moderate at best. He's not chasing you are around. I doubt he is thinking that hard about anything. You won't know if you are interested in him if you don't spend more time with him. The only way you are going to do that is spend more time with him. You want to go to the concert, you have the tickets, call him up and ask him to go. If he says no, then he isn't all that interested and you get to move on. If he says yes you can spend a few minutes at the concert discussing where both of you stand.

Quit imagining various scenarios and take some positive action.

Of course, you also can do nothing, in which case, you will get....nothing, but maybe more vague quasi dates where he pays then you pay and you are left wondering what is going on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 10:19am

You wrote:

If I ask him out, will he think I am chasing him?

No, probably not and I don't think that's the issue with asking a guy out. The issue is, IMO, if you ask him and he says yes, you'll have a harder time knowing if he's interested in you or if he was just being polite or has nothing better to do or just wants to be friends or what.

If I don't ask him out, will he think I am not interested?

No.

I think your best bet is to assume that since he has not asked you out again, he is not all that interested in dating you (if he were strongly interested, he'd have asked you out again before the first date ended, IMO). He may well be open to having quasi-dates as friends, however. If you're ok with that (and it sounds like you are), then go ahead and ask him to the concert.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:39pm

Hi overanalyze,

That's a good point. I'm sorry if I've been confusing, but I really do know what I want from this "relationship." I want companionship.

I'll be okay if we are "just friends who flirt sometimes" so long as I feel that he is being a friend by treating me fairly and with respect. I wouldn't mind if something more came out of this than "just friends," but I'm not emotionally invested in this as more than a friendship. What really scares me, the reason I get totally freaked out when I don't understand his behavior/response or when I fear that my behavior may give him the wrong idea (that I am desperate, that I am chasing him, etc.) is that I don't want to ruin the friendship we already have.

If he is "not that into me," the truth is I'm "not that into him." I'm excited by the possibility of congenial companionship. I'm excited that I get to go out and flirt and get kissed by someone I basically like as a person. But I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I don't know it I'll ever be, again. I just want to go out and have fun.

I'd be mortified if he told me he and his date would love to join me for the concert, who wouldn't be? I'd be annoyed if a woman friend told me that she was bringing a date when I'd invited only her. But if he were to tell me he couldn't go with me because he was already going with a date, I'd be disappointed but not greatly upset unless I thought I had done something embarrassing by asking him. I don't know enough about the dating rules today for people my age. I worry only that I might lose his respect or somehow do something wrong because all this dating after age 50, when I am no longer attractive and young, is really very strange.

I hope this makes sense.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:01pm

Re: "who cares?"

Obviously, I care.

Yes, the guy's interest is "moderate at best." So what? Why does everything have to be a great romance for it to be worth discussing?

The different possible scenarios are important to me because I care about the relationship. I work with this guy. We have lots of mutual friends. I want to keep his respect much more than I want to have a relationship with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:27pm

Thanks for your feedback.

I did ask him to the concert and he said yes with enthusiasm. My take on this guy is that he is hesitant about getting involved, but that he likes me. Sure, if he liked me "enough," he'd overcome his hesitation about getting involved. And then I might get scared and not like him. ;)

This guy isn't long-term-relationship material. But I'm not looking for a long-term relationship. I'm looking for a companion to do things with, to flirt a little with, to have fun. A friend with benefits (for me as much as for him)--maybe. If I trusted him and nothing better was on the scene.

I'm 50 years old, overweight, over-educated. The guys are not exactly standing in line outside my door. I want to have fun, to go places. While I wait for the prince charming that won't come, why shouldn't I date a friend?

I just want him to respect and value me as a friend.

Elsa

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