Should I ask him out?
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:57pm |
I'm undecided whether it would be a good or a bad idea for me to ask out the guy I had dinner with the weekend before last. This is the same guy who didn't reply to my e-mail and then said he had not got it. (See the reading/misreading thread.) We had a friendly lunch today (we talked about ourselves more than the project he was giving me advice on) but no sparks that I noticed. I cannot tell if he is still attracted/interested or if he is just hoping to go back to a "friendship" relationship.
This Friday there is a concert that I want to go to. Usually I would ask one of my female friends to go with me. But I was thinking I could ask this guy. I figure he asked me out last time, now it is my turn to ask him out. Am I wrong?
I really like this guy as a friend (someone of similar interests and values to talk with). I'm also somewhat attracted to him as a man. I don't want to be too pushy, but I also don't want him to think I'm not interested. When we went out the other Friday, he said he would let me pay the next time, and he said he would like to have a cup of tea another time, etc. So I sort of thought he wanted us to date some more. So is it my turn to ask him out?
I'm sorry if I sound stupid, but dating again after 50, and after 20+ years of marriage is a bit confusing. Back then, women did not ask men out.
Elsa

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Good deal, I'm glad he's going with you. And I don't see anything wrong with a "flirty friendship", or whatever you want to call it, so long as you don't have hopes or expectations of more where you'd get hurt if it didn't develop beyond where it is now.
I'm just curious--do you not have other guy friends who can be your escort on a regular basis for concerts and stuff like that? As you know I'm around your age and have the same "over" challenges, LOL. I do date, but I also have a network of several guys I can call for "pseudo dates", including my gay best friend and a couple of exes--it really helps. So regardless of whether things work out with this guy, I'd urge you to consider putting together a network like that. And of course I have awesome female friends as well--but sometimes you just really want to go to something with a guy and it's nice to have several you can call.
Sheri
Sheri,
No, I don't have a network of guy friends to go out with. I hardly have a network of female friends to go out with. One of the problems with the marriage I recently exited was that it was very time-consuming and my ex made it difficult to have any kind of social life. I have a lot of friends (male and female) I can have lunch with, and a group of female friends I can turn to for fun conversation and sharing of woes (and who turn to me with their problems), but a lot of these people are married and don't do things socially without their spouses, so after work hours I just have about three to five people (single women like me) to call on for socializing, unless I "organize a group" (which I sometimes do) that includes couples. I'm working on building up a larger network of friends to do things with, but this takes time.
So I'll be happy if this guy turns out to be nothing more than a "flirty friend" to go out with at times. What was really driving me crazy was that I couldn't interpret his behavior, not that I wanted him to behave in a particular way.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. It's been useful.
Elsa
There are a lot of goofy people in the world, and it is not necessary to "interpret" behavior. If you do that, it will take all your precious time and you won't have any time left for fun. As people get older, the behavior gets weirder.
What you need to do is accept people for who they are. If they don't fit into something that works for you, you need to move on. You can always open a conversation with this man ask him how he views your friendship.
I'm 45. I've met men who have told me they want to date, talked about dating, told me they wanted to go on a date with me but failed to actually ask me out on a date. Although this seems confusing, it wasn't. They failed to ask me out so I moved on.
I agree with nww, it might be in your best interest to greatly expand your circle of friends. Join some clubs, take on some new hobbies and you might find a huge number of people willing to take you into their social circle.
Chamey,
I've always found it both interesting and useful to interpret behavior. I suppose it is a matter of taste.
As for my social life, considering that I separated from my husband less than two years ago and have been divorced for less than one year, I think I am doing pretty well.
Elsa
So how did the concert go last night??? Did it feel like a date or a non-date? How are you feeling about things today?
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for asking. It felt like a date that did not go well.
He definitely acted like it was a date in the sense that he touched me frequently and talked like we were going to be a couple, but I guess he started "relaxing" about me and I began to see some stuff that I did not really like.
For starters, he tells me that he doesn't really like concerts but he came along because he wanted to be with me. That was sweet until he took out the ear plugs during the concert. (I'm not making this up.)
Then he fidgets so much that I suggested we leave at intermission. But I was having feelings of deja vu. My ex-husband would fidget and fuss whenever we were doing something he didn't like.
We went for pizza, and he complained about the children at the next table. I have two kids (a teen and a 20 yr old) who were once little kids who were not always as quiet in public places as this guy would like. (I thought he had a kid, but it turns out it was a "step." So he's actually never had kids of his own.)
Then he talked far too much about his break up with his ex. Since I was married for 20+ years, and he was only married for about 10, and my divorce was more recent, I figure that if I can keep quiet about my ex, so can he.
The last thing that went wrong was not really his fault except I think he could have handled it better. I wear a hairpiece, and I have agonized about when to tell a date about it. Men make such a fuss about women's hair. So this guy playfully tugs at my hair at one moment, and I figure I better tell him about the hairpiece (even though he was tugging at a lock of hair that was all mine). Maybe I shouldn't have told him, but I thought better get it out of the way. And instead of saying anything to reassure me that it didn't matter, he acted... odd. I think just to be polite he could have pretended that it didn't matter.
I suppose I should be grateful that by the time he acted odd about my hairpiece I was not too thrilled with him, so instead of feeling that a potentially good thing had been ended by my hairpiece I felt that his unreassuring response to the revelation of a physical flaw was part of a pattern of selfishness that began with his not calling or e-mailing to tell me he had a good time after our first date and went on to his self-centered behavior about the concert. (I had wanted his company, yes, but I had also wanted to listen to the concert.) And I also resented that he was not nicer about the hairpiece because he is bald himself.
It ended in a friendly way, but we were both a bit cool and distant by the time we got to my house. He said he had had a good time and hoped we could do it again, but I don't think he meant it. I laughed and said something about "yeah, but no more concerts, right?" and he laughed and gave me a hug. I didn't ask him in, and he didn't try to kiss me, which was good because I still know how to turn my head so that the kiss lands on my cheek. ;)
I'm disappointed, and a lot discouraged about the whole "dating after 50" thing, but what else is new?
Elsa
Ugh, sorry to hear it wasn't a great night. Oh well, at least you know now that he's not a good fit for you, even as someone to just do things with, so you don't have to keep wondering.
Sheri
I think it is highly unfortunate that we can't end a date when the first giant red flag starts to fly. Obviously, you knew things were going to do downhill when this gentleman pulled out the earplugs at the concert in which he was so graciously invited.
This man is not for you. The good news is that you can enthusiastically move on.
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