Should I back off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Should I back off?
11
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 3:52pm

I have been seeing someone for a few months now, and we have seen each other almost every weekend. Just lately, work has been very stressful for him, long hours, etc and we haven't talked much, he didn't have time to see me last weekend etc. It is very possible that he is just stressed/busy and I am reading too much in to one missed weekend, but it seems to me that he might be backing off a bit.

Assuming that I am to trust my instincts here, should I back off ie: not contact him at all, or just keep doing things the way I have been and accept his reactions as they come? And, if I am to back off, should I stop all contact completely and without explanation? I was considering saying to him something along the lines of "it seems to me that you need me to back off a little. I dont want you to think it is that I don't want to see you/talk to you etc, so I want you to know that I am not going to contact you; I am going to leave it up to you to contact me"...is that good/bad/can it backfire on me? Thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:18pm

Men don't really respond to words in my opinion. That's why I whine to you people. : )

Don't make a big deal outta this, back off though. Give him a ton of space. Maybe be busy one of the two days next weekend, if he asks to see you. That's my plan now..........

See how things go.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 4:35pm

I would only react to his initiating contact and getting together, rather than initiating any calls, etc yourself.

And no, there is no reason to TELL him you're doing that! Just let him contact you and see you when he has time to do so. That will give you a good indication as to his interest level.

Isn't there some other issue with this guy, too? I recognize your screen name but can't remember what the issue was, sorry!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:46pm

I'd say, wait for some more time, keep the contact normal from your side, and if you still feel the same, then ask him directly if everything is fine between you both...and whether there is anything on his mind he needs to share? You could ask him directly if he needs time to himself. If he says no...let it go. Don't pressure him to come out with whatever it is. Let him know you are there, if he needs to talk about anything. I feel it is good to have a little casual talk about how you both are feeling. Just don't sound like you are blaming him. Else, he will go into defence mode, and might avoid you later. Keep your tone of voice casual. Men I think respond negatively to a critical tone of voice and choice of words. Tell him how much you miss him, so he knows you are sharing your views out of love and concern, and not to corner him.

I don't think you should go silent or withdraw from him, without first discussing this with him. It might create unnecessary misunderstandings. Wait a while, and if you still feel disturbed about the staus quo, get it out in the open.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:55pm

Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't answer or return his calls. She just shouldn't *initiate* any calls, is what I'm saying (your post made it sound like I was suggesting she avoid talking to him at all).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:17pm

Hey Sheri, was that for me? Sorry, I did not mean to personally go against anyone's point of view. no offence meant! I totally respect everyone's opinions and was only stating mine. I was only pointing to an option of going silent and gave a reason why I wouldn't suggest it. Yeah, I understand you did not suggest that. I am all for communication. That's all..

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 8:28pm

No worries, I just wanted to make clear (in case it wasn't, and I thought it might not be from what *you* posted) what I meant with my post.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 11:31am

Yes, I have posted about this guy in another area (it was "Always joking"...basically I want to find out where we stand, but how to deal with someone who always responds to everything with a joke) But now given that he *may* be pulling away, I think I will probably let the "where do we stand" issue go until I have a better idea whether it is just that he is stressed, overworked and busy right now and not that he is trying to pull away. Everyone's allowed to go through bad patches, so maybe I give it some time to see if things to back to "normal" or if I still think he is backing off....

I suppose everyone is going to have a difference of opinion on what the "right" thing to do is. My fear is that if I just stop contacting him, he'll feel that I am not interested. But by the same token, if he is trying to back it off at all, I don't want to pressure him either.




Edited 2/1/2006 11:46 am ET by squeevil
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:05pm

Ah, ok...thanks for the reminder about your other post. Yes, I'd say "where you stand" may be a moot point if he's pulling away.

As for your fear...have you given him ANY reason to think you're not interested up to this point? Even if he were unsure, if HE is truly interested in you, nothing will keep him from contacting you.

You guys haven't been seeing each other that long, right? He should be initiating most or all of the contact at this point anyway...if he hasn't been, if you've been doing most of the work, then "he's just not that into you". Sorry.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 12:30pm
I wouldn't contact him, but I would be pleasant and act the way I've always been when he does call. Men don't tend to overthink things. When most guys want to call someone, they just do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 1:40pm
Thanks...yes, he has been doing almost all of the contacting/asking out, and it is just in the last week or two that he has been a little more "nebulous" about when he'll be able to see me and he just doesn't seem like himself. He seems distracted and "out of it" and I guess I just have no way of knowing whether it is work or me. Admittedly, he has a huge trip for almost the whole month of February to prepare for, worked all last weekend, keeps telling me how he is so overdone and work is burning him out...it could very legitimately be that work is piling up and he needs to get it all done, but I don't want to be naive either. It sounds like the general advice is don't change the way I act towards him, don't stop seeing him etc, but do stop initiating contact of any kind?

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