Should I be concerned?
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| Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:05pm |
I am in the middle of separating from my husband, which will most likely lead to a divorce but we are opting for this right now as we don't want to make an rash decisions given our heightened emotional state. In any case, I have been seeing someone secretly for about five months now. He didn't have anything to do with the issues involved in my marriage but just showed up at, I guess, an opportune (or maybe not so opportune) time. Helped ease the pain a little, I guess.
Well, it turns out that I am totally falling for this guy but the situation has been awkward to say the least. We all hang out in the same social circle since it is affiliated with our soccer team and community. Therefore, my husband is an acquaintance of the man I am seeing and occassionally they will get together along with others from the soccer team to go have lunch or whatever after our soccer games. It's all too close for comfort if you ask me and of course, my A and I have to be totally secret about it when we are all together.
So, my issue right now is that I am currently moving out of my place to find my own place in the town where I work and where my A lives (about a half hour from where my husband lives). Well, he and I have had many discussions about our relationship and how we should try and put it on hold until I am more settled both emotionally and physically since we both feel bad about subjecting my husband to this, although he doesn't know about it. We've usually been pretty good about sticking to our guns but rescind from time to time just because we see each other a lot and it's not always easy to be in each other's presence and not be intimate.
Anyhow, just recently about two weeks ago a new girl who had just moved into town showed up at the soccer fields and wanted to play with us. She is 23 years old. Just got out of college as an undergrad but plays exceptional soccer. She played for her college team. She's not even that attractive. She's a little stocky, short and somewhat of an alpha female (total tom boy). Well, I never thought I would need to be concerned about her presence until recently as she and my A who is 40 years old by the way (I am 34) have been hanging out a lot!! I saw it coming when one of our team members saw her potential and thought she and my A should co-captain the team together. Ok, so obviously that requires spending time together to figure out plays and to draw up drills and what not but it is going beyond that and it's driving me crazy just thinking of them spending time together because they can and don't have to be secretive about it and I'm just watching from the side lines.
For example, just this past Saturday, they drove down to another town together to play soccer against another team and then went out to lunch (with other players) and then came back up to our home town and went to garage sales to find her some furniture. Another fact is that she apparently comes from a wealthy family and is living in a huge house up in the hills with great views that her parents purchased as a vacation home. I know I shouldn't feel insecure about that but for some reason I do as if her money is just another draw for my A.
So, of course, I am feeling insecure and vulnerable because we can not openly be affectionate with each other to the point of not hanging out when we know we'll be with our social group. Yesterday, I was feeling so sick to my stomach that I finally decided to take the adult approach and talk to him about it because I hate to live in a world of assumptions and he typically is not the type of guy to be flirtatious or to be dishonest (which is why he is having such a hard time dealing with our affair even if I am still separating from my husband).
I went to his house last night and asked him what he was thinking and where he thinks this is going with out bringing the 23 year old up. He told me that the situation is really eating away at him since he personally knows my husband and sees him often and said that we should still hold off from being together intimately until after the fall season tournaments, which end in the last weekend of October. I thought that that was reasonable and think it is a wise choice. He told me he still liked me a lot. I asked him to tell me if he decided to start seeing someone else since I did not want to have to be holding on to something that may never materialize. He told me he would and said he is not seeing any one right now and doesn't want to. He was looking into my eyes when he told me this and then he proceeded to hug me and kiss me. It all felt very genuine at the time but I still can't help wondering what is up with this new girl and why he hangs out with her so much. He is definitely a nice person with a kind heart and a part of me wants to think that he is just helping her out and making her feel welcome to a new town but another part of me is very suspicious.
I went home last night feeling somewhat comforted but only to wake up in the middle of the night just totally analyzing the conversation. How should I handle this with out getting paranoid? I absolutely hate these feelings of jealousy. It’s not who I aspire to be. Why does this girl bother me so much? She’s 17 years his junior. How can that ever materialize into something serious or long term?
Should I trust him or should I be concerned and move on with my life?? Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated!!

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you have no right to make the demands you're making. You are still married and you're deceiving your husband into thinking that separating is to take time off to think. But you are not thinking, you're already involved.
Honestly if I were you (and I've been in the position), I would take time off from everyone to figure out why your marriage didn't work. And I would not get involved until you've had some time to get over it. Having this other man in your life serves as a distraction to the real issue--your impending divorce. I think if you continue on, things are only going to get messier for all parties involved.
You should move on, but not because of her.
If your goal for the separation is to not make decisions under a heightened emotional state, how on earth is getting involved with another man compatible with that goal???
You also need to be upfront with your husband about what's going on, IMO. It's not fair to him to be thinking that you're taking time to contemplate your relationship with him when you're really not.
Sheri
If your lover is open to another relationship, he will find someone to have it with. It wouldn't matter whether the woman was 23 or 53. There is obviously something else that he wants or needs, and there's nothing you can do about it.
But you can use this opportunity as a personal wake up call. You are a married woman obsessing over a single man. You have absolutely no legs to stand on in this situation. Of course your friend can do what he wants, and you have to grin and bear it from the sidelines. Even if you were already divorced, you still have almost zero hope of having a real, out-in-the-open relationship with this man because of the small social circle you all circulate in, and because of his close association with your husband.
So why not get a grip on yourself? Bow out of this affair, now. Not only do you need to stop driving yourself crazy, but you need to concentrate on getting on with the separation and ending your marriage with as much HONOR as you can salvage. I'm not saying tell your husband you've been cheating.... there's no point throwing salt in his wound. But at least you can feel a little better about your own behavior as the marriage ends.