Should I be concerned about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Should I be concerned about this?
9
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:06pm
I have been dating a guy for about 1 month and have spent quite a bit of time with him. We just met 1 month ago but we live in the same area and know alot of the same people. He is friends with my brother and my brother has told me what a great guy he is.I have met his family and we have been having alot of fun together. He was engaged about 1 1/2 yrs ago to a girl he had been with for 3 yrs. I had just recently broken up w/ my most recent boyfriend of 1 yr just 1 week before we met!..I wasn't looking to get into another relationship this soon, but we really like each other and I'm just enjoying our time together right now. The other night we had a conversation about where we stood,he wanted to know when he could consider me his "girlfriend". I don't want to date anyone else,however I want to be fair to him and to myself and not rush things because I do have some unresolved feelings. I don't want my ex back, but I was hurt and am a little scared to get involved again. Besides the other night when we had "our talk" I really haven't talked about my exes or mentioned anything about them! But he mentioned his some, not like he talks about her all the time, but almost everytime we are together he will mention something to do w/ his ex..He doesn't talk bad about her and it's not like he is pining for her, but he just mentions her. Should this be a red flag for me be more cautious than I am being or am I thinking about it too much? should I say something to him about it?.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:25pm
How long ago did they break up? He probably doesn't realize he mentions her so often, nor does he probably realize it bothers you. Actually when you were having your "talk" it would've been a good time to casually mention it. I assume you told him what you said in your post, about you having unresolved feelings still and some lingering hurt and cautious feelings (since it hasn't been very long since your own breakup)....did you? If so, you could've said something casual like "and I sometimes wonder if you also have some unresolved feelings because you mention your ex so often." I'm a big fan of discussing things that bother you (in a constructive, non-confrontational discussion). That way things don't grow and fester and get blown out of proportion in your head, sometimes over an issue that could've been resolved with one simple discussion. Good luck! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 7:25pm
Please - a month.

YOu two are in heat/infatuation combined. You two don't know one another....you know that you like yourself as a result of the other's desire for you.

Relationships should be based on respect andadmiration of this person as an individual. Not "you make me feel so great about myself because you want me so I want you around all the time to worship and adore me."

It's too soon to know if you like one another as individuals yet.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:09pm
From my experience no guy likes to talk about his ex--usually doesn't do it at all--and hates when exs are brought up--so yes, to me that would indicate a red flag. However, you yourself are fresh out of a long term relationship and I would take this very slow. Since (I think you said) have unresolved feelings for your ex--maybe you need to resolve those feelings before you move on? I will say that your story struck me as quite strange--considering that me and my fiancee broke up 1 1/2 years ago and we were together for three years--wouldnt that be funny if they were all in the same?? I'm sure it's not, but if by any chance it was--you need to read posts I have written this month about him. :-) Just go with your gut on this--who knows--maybe he's the "one". Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:57pm
Please...I am not in heat! Nor do I need him to feel good about myself! I am enjoying his company and we are having a good time together. What is wrong with that?! He seems to be a very nice guy and I like him enough to continue seeing him and see what happens, but I have not known him long enough to base our relationship on respect and admiration! All I know is that I like what I've seen so far! And it is not too soon to know if I like him or not!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 8:01pm
warning fidlinchick - don't pay attn to what erin writes in her bitterness or cynical manner. shes very cut and dry with her posts.

what i think?

red flag to slow down. i dont think its a red flag to stop dating him. lets face it... rs aren't perfect ever - from beginning to end. and while it would be very ideal to take some time away and completely get over an ex, it doesn't happen often. so just enjoy yourself - the fact you two are being honest/open w/ one another is a good step in making things work.

Also the fact he talks about her - its Ok. Most of the time, the ex talk or mentioning the 'ex did this or that' will end within a month or two. as their lives mold into your life, vice/versa.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:30am
surfergirl77, thanks for the warning!..I didn't know if it was just me or if that girl was just plain rude!.Thank you for your thoughts............fiddlin'
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:07pm
Well, here's my two cents.

I am recently out of a relationship myself, but it was one of those "doomed" "the end is near" "long-time-coming" "knew it was about to happen so I had time to prepare" situations. I am recirculating myself back into the dating pool. I feel that I am ready to enjoy the company of another man for what it's worth, whether it becomes more than a flirtation or more than just one date or not. Some say it's too soon for me to date again, others say "Go for it, girl!"

My thing is, I am not heartbroken over the breakup; in fact, I'm happier than I've been in a long time (It took us breaking up for me to realize I wasn't happy with him). I'm enjoying my freedom, so if I do meet someone special, I plan on taking it slow.

My advice to you is to do the same. Keep dating him. Have a GREAT time.

BUT, if he pushes you for the "girlfriend" status, then he's not being very "good" to you. I dated someone once who pushed for the "girlfriend" thing, and it really creeped me out. I was thinking, "Why is he so desperate to call me gf?"

Hopefully, this guy was just asking you to get an idea and not being creepy about it. Like the others have said, go with your gut. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, you are not a bad person if you end it. But if you are feeling great about it, then there's nothing wrong with enjoying it for what it is.

As far as whether or not he's still hung up on the ex, well, maybe/maybe not. I refer to my ex a lot sometimes only b/c he was part of my life for 4 years, so a good part of the living I've done over the past four years has involved him. I do not consider myself hung up on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:45pm
thank you for you thoughts!..I also have realized how unhappy I was in my last relationship and know that it should have ended long before it did! I think the new guy was just curious as to where he stood with me at this point, which in a way was a good thing because most of the time I am the one wondering where I stand. He has told me that he didn't want to rush me or scare me away by wanting too much from me before I am ready!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 1:20pm
Hello fiddlinchick!