should i be suspicious

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
should i be suspicious
21
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 7:13am

I have been with my new boyfriend for around 3 months now and we are (or think we are exclusive). He is the first guy I enjoy being with after my divorce a few years ago (no children).

I feel that he is hot an cold. He always sets the tone of our relationship, always sets when we will meet up i.e can't today but lets meet tomorrow.On the one hand he hints at living together then an hour later asks if i will get new plants for my balcony to grow in time for next summer.

When we don't spend time together he does call but for some reason i feel he is emotionally distant - its just a gut feel and i can't put my finger on it. He did mention in the beginning that he felt inadequate towards me, I am more educated and have a strong career. He has stated that I am the prettiest and most interesting girl he has had a relationship with. I don't understand all of this as he has a great job and is cute - i have told him this. My approach to the relationship is easy going I see him when he wants and I dont harrass him with phone calls etc. I have been upfront about my feeling towards him

His past is kind of strange (in my view anyway) he was living with a woman 17 years his senior for 12 years he is 38 I am 34. They broke up around 18 months ago but I feel there is still contact somehow. He says he doesn't believe in marriage etc etc, but says he sees us together in 10 years from now.

I am just confused with the mixed messages...

I don't know why but I feel that something is wrong, that he is holding back

Should I talk to him or will i scare him away for good I really don't know what to do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:56am

What you require from this man is that he open up to you. The only way to do that is to slowly and casually start to talk about his feelings about himself and his past. For instance you can start with that you dont understand his feelings about himself and has "no one ever given you those compliments before?" Maybe that older woman messed up his head.

"He did mention in the beginning that he felt inadequate towards me, I am more educated and have a strong career." ----> It sounds like he doubts himself. When he says things like that about himself it is a good time to find out why he feels this way. You would then need to determine if a guy who lacks confidence is someone you want in your life. Or it could be a temporary feeling he is going through.

"On the one hand he hints at living together then an hour later asks if i will get new plants for my balcony to grow in time for next summer." ---> I dont see that as hot and cold. I see that as someone who is feeling you out for a potental future but is going to keep things neutral in his mind and doesn't want to show that maybe he is hoping for more. You could jokingly say, "But how will those plants fit in our new place?" But...then you would be leaving yourself open to looking like you are assuming a lot. This is why dating can be so difficult.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:13am

Well, at only 3 months in, I think talking at all seriously about living together would be silly--it's WAAAAAAY too early for that.

BUT--he's told you clearly he doesn't believe in marriage. Are you ok with that? He obviously is capable of LTRs but doesn't want to marry--could you live with someone for 12 years as his previous GF did and be ok with not being married? If not, then it doesn't make sense for you to continue to see him hoping he'll change his mind about that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:46am

I don't know if I would necessarily be suspicious, but just keep in mind the length of time that you were together. He could feel very strongly for you but be reluctant because it hasn't been all that long.

I do agree with the previous poster about the marriage philosophy. This is something significant that needs to be sorted out.

Perhaps if he makes another comment that relates to the two of you living together, you could say hey...we've only been together this long. Are you serious? My bf last week mentioned something in passing about meeting his grandfather at Christmas and although I'd love to be with him long term, I was wondering where he was coming from. My reply was Christmas??? It's June! Really?

My best friend though and her husband moved in together after six weeks in their early 20's. They just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are one of the healthiest couples I know. There are definite exceptions to the rules.

Don't be afraid of him freaking out. If he's into you, he won't!

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 4:12pm

"Don't be afraid of him freaking out. If he's into you, he won't!" --> that's really good advice. I guess if he does freak out, then it's better to know sooner than later that he's not really into you.

"He could feel very strongly for you but be reluctant because it hasn't been all that long." ----> true, which is why she may be feeling that he is holding something back.

"I was wondering where he was coming from. My reply was Christmas??? It's June! Really?" --> were you okay with that or did it freak you out?

"My best friend though and her husband moved in together after six weeks in their early 20's. They just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are one of the healthiest couples I know." ---> these stories always amaze me. If it were only that simple and easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:22pm

I know! If it were only that simple and easy!

Regarding the Christmas comment (and I got another tonight...fireworks were cancelled due to rain and I LOVE fireworks!! He said, I'll take you next year)...I only act semi-concerned (like I had said I replied before) to see what he'll say. He said tonight, please...you know I will next year and years after that too.

I just truly feel that sometimes you just know.

So no, I wasn't freaked out. I do think though it's all in the approach. You don't want to come across as needy/desperate in any way.

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:53pm
"He said tonight, please...you know I will next year and years after that too." --> thats very sweet - I'm sure you are happy together :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 9:27am

You asked if I am ok with him not believeing in marriage?
No I am not ok with someone who makes such sweeping statements....he told me a few days ago that he feels that I am not the type of womn that would trick him into marriage...My reponse was very cocky 'Given you feel that way when I feel that I want to settle down I will dump you....as simple as that' he was floored with my response.

It gets worse he has also said that he doesn't like children...when i quizzed him why he said that they restrict your frredom and he would only have children if he SO (and he was in love) asked for them. I dropped the subject.

To be honest my feelings on motherhood are not yes or no at the moment but his dogmatic opinion on this issue annoyed me. I feel that this is a decision taken by teo people who intend to either be propsective parents or not. As such given that guys don't change their mids on these issues I have a problem with a door being closed before I even decide of I want to open it. So what do I do dump him now?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:04am

Well, if you want marriage, then it doesn't make sense to continue to date someone who doesn't, the kids issue aside.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:09am

You've been dating for 3 months, which is about the time both parties start finding out about each other's preferences for the future. Since you dont want the door to marriage closed shut then you might want to consider breaking things off with him.

"I feel that this is a decision taken by teo people who intend to either be propsective parents or not.' ---> this is not true. Your feelings/viewpoints are appropriate for someone who is married who has yet to map out the course of her life with a SO, not someon who has been dating for 3 months. He's made his decision, you have yet to make yours. You need to finds someone who feels the same way. He's not wrong and you are not wrong - just possibly mismatched.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:20pm
HE MIGHT STILL BE FEELING THIS OTHER WOMAN/WOMEN. HE ALSO SETS THE TONE WHEN THE TWO OF YOU CAN SEE EACHOTHER...RED FLAG RIGHT THERE.TRY TO PLAY A LITTLE HARD TO GET THE NEXT TIME HE CALLS...LET HIM SEE HOW IT FEELS TO BE STRUNG ALONG.IF IN YOUR MIND YOU FEEL IT'S TIME TO BOUNCE THAN THAT'S WHAT YOU WILL HAVE TO DO.PACK UP YOUR FEELINGS AND GIVE IT TO A DESERVING MAN. DON'T CONTINUE TO WAIT AROUND UNTIL HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.IT WILL BE HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST.

Grownazzwoman out!

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