Should I break off this friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Should I break off this friendship?
2
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:43pm
Hi All:

I'm new to this board and have a pretty complex question. I met this guy on-line, and we've seen each other four times, but got very close via e-mail, IM, and phone calls. Although he's a nice guy, he has a problem with drinking, and is very needy emotionally, and suffers from depression. Before we even met he was calling me and asking me to let him come over because he needed a hug. Of course, I didn't let him, but I felt awful.

After we met for a few times, I had this unsettling feeling that he wasn't a "datable" guy. That's pretty clear, but we've talked so much when he's been sober, and I've gone to him on a few occasions when I've needed someone to talk to, that I've developed some feelings for him. The feelings are pretty minor, but we did have amazing sex once. I've felt a step closer to him after that, and truly care about him. I know better that you can't change anyone, they need to want to change for themselves, so I've tried to keep my distance, and even told him that I'd like to remain just friends, which he agreed and stuck to. The problem is that we've invested so much emotionally, that it all feels like a waste.

Here's my problem, as a result of all of this, I found out that he's dating someone else that he's been friends with for over a year, and they seem to be very close. I've only known him for 3 months. At least twice when I tried to IM him, it's been her answering me. She's been really nice, but it feels like a slap in the face to me. Now, I feel like I can't even talk to him without her being there when I need a friend. I mean it's great that he found someone, but where do I stand now?

I've tried to talk to him, and let him know how I feel about this, and let him know that I feel like I'm being "bumped". He's told that it will never happen, but hello? She's answering his IM!!

Should I end this friendship, and if so how? I feel hurt in a way.

Thanks for reading!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:28am
smiley1717,

Pianoguy suggests that you run like HELL in the opposite direction...and forget this turkey!

You might have "invested" a little emotional time with the man, but expecting anything 'exclusive' between you isn't going to happen. The warning signals were present at the beginning (depression, insecurity) and the moment you learned there was another woman in the picture...who could be his current or EX wife...this was another clue that there was something wrong.

While ending the friendship will probably bother you for a few days...trying to sustain something that CAN'T POSSIBLY WORK OUT will bother you even more!

Trust me...there are a lot of us who would "like to get to know you"...and to give you the love and attention you obviously want!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:03pm
Pianoguy gave you great advice! I was once in a similar situation. I started dating a guy and a month into the relationship, I found out he was dating another woman. This man pursued me to no end while he was dating this other woman. I found out into the relationship he was an alcoholic and therefore he was also depressed and emotionally needy. That relationship put me through hell and back. I stayed for a little while. Then I had enough of the drama that goes along with dating a drunk and got sick of the womanizing. Please follow Pianoguy's advice: don't walk but run away from this man as fast as you can!