Should I call and explain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Should I call and explain
8
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:52am

Need some help.
I met a gorgeous guy two weeks ago. He seemed very passionate about everthing he did, but underneath that seem to be a sensitive guy. Very sharp and smart. We went on a couple of dates and since then he has called every day and comes to hang out with me at my place. We had serious attraction lots of kissing but nothing further and no pressure.

He however could not pre plan anything he would just like to call and say he was close by or will be done with work in an hour, or I'll call you tomorrow and then calls tomorrow and say he is coming over. I addressed it with him and he said he was told recently he planned too much(some idiotic woman told him that).

Anyway couple nights ago, he told me he wouldn't be able to see me the following day because he had something to do. I acted cool like I didn't care(just guarding myself). I was fine because we had spent soo much time together in a short time anyway. Maybe too much time for something so new.

The following night(same night he said I wouldn't see him) he called and said he just got to the gymn, later than usual, but if I wanted to go to the movies or dinner when he was done. This was at 8:00pm. I told him that it would be too late at that time. he said he would call me when he was done anyway. I said ok.

Ok, he calls me when done,blah,blah.. so I said are you heading home. He said I just passed your street, you said it would be too late. So I said to him, You are driving me crazy!!!. He said are you serious, then I joked, you told me you were crazy(he did)now I'm starting to believe it. He got upset and said, then I wont call you anymore. I was shocked. He said why would you want to talk to a crazy person, and before I could catch my breath he said bye and hung up.

Now I think this was total miscommunication. We are dealing with three cultures here and two languages.
I feel like I should call and explain myself. I'm sure I gave him mixed signals, but I was just going crazy because I couldn't understand why he couldn't make plans ahead of time.

Tx. All honest opinions welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 6:04am

mello1976...

PG suggests that the 2 of you meet on 'neutral ground' at a restaurant...share coffee or lunch...and discuss where your friendship (or relationship) is headed?

DO NOT INVITE HIM OVER TO YOUR HOME!

While it's all well and good for him to acknowledge another woman's opinion about making too many plans...maybe you need to let the man know that you aren't like her? You have to emphasize the fact that you can't 'hang by the phone' waiting for a promise or a plan to happen?

Granted...last minute changes often occur with most of us. But NOT ALL THE TIME!

However...

If you think this man is basically a lunatic...do you HONESTLY want to continue whatever it is the 2 of you have together?

Honestly...if I was dating a woman who acted this way, her behavior would make me very nervous!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:15pm
No, do not call him. His reaction was very defensive and also, guys who care would make plans beforehand no matter what other women have told him. That is just silly not too, does he expect you to drop everything to meet him when HE wants? I read somewhere that if a guy is only interested in you for convience when you stop being "convienent" for him , his interest will be gone as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:28pm
The guy wants to see you on his terms. He makes plans and drops them and he expects you to drop everything and run to him and he's ready. And you're not supposed to say anything about it? Fuggetaboutit!

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 4:54pm

First I must say I am so happy I found this board.(This is long but very important details)
Anyway the saga continues. I did call back and was happy I did. I got the genuine sense that it was total miscommunication. Still does not rule out the fact that others on here mentioned that he is Mr. Spontaneous and kinda wants things on his own schedule.
However I see that because of the nature of his job as a consultant, He has a lot of free time but his free time is all over the clock so seems like he does everything that way. No schedule, clients all over the world.

Now here is what transpired since then. We connected again, he called every day, would actulally talk on the phone for hours, he still popped up to see me with only calling few minues before. I tried to explain that its not that I don't want to see him but would like some notification. Anyway somewhere in there I think I came off as being fickle.

Anyway at the beginning of the week I decided I needed some me time, so I told him I would be busy. He would call every evening that week from wherever he was, home , restaurant and hold me on the phone.

So by thursday I decided to see him. We made out. He has the most amazing, body, package, skin, moves, size, I have ever seen, and he loves to kiss. I had discussed with him earlier on that I wasn't quite ready for sex yet so I don't want to fool around and then lead him to believe that I was. He said no problem because in his country, sex always comes much later and they had no problem doing other things.
In different conversations, he told me he thought I was cute, loved the way I talked, and that I was 'hot'.
So two straight nights of the heavy stuff no sex at all. Just intoxicating. So he talked about stuff, about every girl he has known cheats. I told him. I never cheat. I ask him, so if someone ask me out for dinner would that be cheating since we are not dating. (just a test). He said We are not dating?. I said I don't know we are making out and hanging out. I don't know. We were joking about a lot of things.

Anyway he attempted to take actions further to sex 2 nights in a row. First night I asked him if he thought I would sleep with him without a condom. So the next night he brought a condom. We actually got to the point where he actually put it on and I thought about it and decided no.
Both nights he left later on. The last night he left saying, he wont disturb me anymore and for me to take care.
I had a sense he was pulling away but that something was not quite finished between us.

Next day I texted him and asked him to do a business call for me that he had promised to do and added that I know he didn't want to talk to me.

He made the call and did call me back with the update. I told him thank you and he said you are welcome, and then said is that it. I said I miss you. He said 'you dont miss me'
I told him don't put words in my mouth. He said bye but held the phone for at least 3 minutes till I hung up.

What do I do?? Its so hard to find someone you click with. I am really not good at expressing my emotionsand he has kind of clammed up, not as open as in the beginning. I really like this guy and I'm sure sex would be great with him. I just thought it was too early, only 3 weeks. I have not had sex in over 3 years. Honestly I don't even want marriage(done that before) or anything I only want a baby. He did ask me how come I don't have any kids and I told him I am waiting for a guy with good genes, and he asked me if he had good genes? and I laughed. Honestlly this guy would be a good candidate, kind, most beautiful green eyes, smart.

I am soo upset right now that I have chased him a way.
Should I throw caution to the wind. I am not getting any younger, and I am not good at dating.

Again all honest opinions welcome. Judge me if you like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 5:39pm

mello1976....

Pianoguy won't repeat what he said to you earlier. Instead, he'd like to offer a "generic observation!"

It's amazing what priorities some women have!!!

In your case, you'd rather have a child with a man who possesses GREAT GENES, but could be irresponsible as HELL....especially during the times when you might need financial and emotional support!

Incredible!

But you know what matters most to you....even if the rest of us DON'T (or DON'T WANT TO!).

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 6:05pm

I have re read both your posts and have noted everthing you have said, understanding that you might not read this since you do not want to know.

I must say it is easy to judge until you have walked in someones shoe. First I must say I am quite financially secure and a husband or partner is not always the one who will provide emotional support, however most of us love them non the less. I had neither in my first marriage(lots of potential but could not deliver). Trust me I have many friends in unhappy marriages or relationships and yes some in good relationships with compromise.
What happens when the guy leaves (married or not)?

Ideally we would all like to find all these things in a relationship but it does not usually happens, so in the meantime we(me at least) control the things we can, and hope everything else falls in place or find what we are looking for. I do not want any regrets at the end of my day.

Thanks for your comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 6:20pm

Another thing Pianoguy,

I did meet on neautral(sp) grounds as you suggested earlier and talked, but I guess I was not specific in seeking the answers that I needed. You can see more to the postings under toxic relationship. I started posting there but realized it may be the wrong board.

I have decided to come to terms that things started off wrong and somehow is beyond the point of repair. Went in with no motives, always hoping I could find the whole package but if not will settle for those I cant provide for myself (a kid) very controversial I know.
Anyway have a nice day and thanks for your input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 8:40pm

If good genes are what you're looking for, why not just go to a sperm bank? Find a guy in their books with beautiful green eyes and a high IQ. And, there you have it!

And I agree that "toxic relationships" isnt the right board. Since there isn't a relationship here.

Though he may have "great genes" ... sounds like this guy is very clingy and reactive ... snaps to judgments or assumptions, etc. If you don't want a relationship and don't want to have to deal with a GUY and the hassles of dating, etc in order to acheive your goal of having a kid, then ... why not just go to a sperm bank? Plus, that would eliminate the obligations that come along with having a child for the man ... that is, if all you want is good genes and to raise a child on your own.

Good luck!