Should I Date My Best Friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Should I Date My Best Friend?
7
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:20pm
I have a very close male friend that I've known for four years. I initially started conversating with him because I thought he was cute and I needed help with school work. We became very close ever since. We know each other inside and out, and he is very dear to my heart. Anyway, I was spending some time with him at his house and we started talking about the old days, how we met...somehow the conversating ended up being about what he thinks of me. He then went to an area in his room where he keeps his memorabilia and pulled out 3 sheets of paper with writing on it and handed it to me. I read it, and basically he confessed these strong feelings for me that he had ever since the first year we met. After I read it, I told him I liked him too, but the problem is that I'm in the middle of a love triangle. I'm in the process of trying to figure out whether I should remain friends with my ex or let him go, and I'm also trying to figure out my relationship with another guy that I'm interested in and who is interested in me. But my relationship with my best friend has everything that a lasting relationship needs: trust, honesty, committment, closeness, companionship. He's a great person, funny, about something, and fun to be around. Physically, he is good looking, but he is soooo skinnny. His being skinny is a turn off for me because I am very shapely. Quite frankly, that is the only problem I have with him, he has everything else going for him. He is someone that I could probably have a serious relationship with because I am well aware that the best kind of relationships are the ones that are built on a solid friendship, but I'm not ready to be serious with anybody right now. So I don't know what to do. I have feelings for him too, and it's something to consider, but the timing is kind of bad right now considering the other guys that I have in my life, and his being skinny isn't right for me. Am I wrong for feeling this way??? Am I making a mistake????? HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:42pm
You said yourself you're not ready for anything, so leave it be. You don't want to ruin a great friendship when your head isn't clear. You have too many things on your plate and you need to look at each one individually to figure out the best course of action. Do not turn to your friend for a relationship if it's NOT what you want. You do not want to lose him because you try something and decide it's not for you.

If you find something in a person that you cannot get past, is it really fair to lead them on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:06pm
The timing isn't right. He's a great friend and you don't want to wreck the foundation of your relationship. The timing isn't right for you, you're otherwise involved, not interested in anything serious, etc. etc

And your friend has been harbouring strong feelings for you.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:15am
He called me last night and we talked about it again. He understand that I have a lot on my plate, and now I understand that he just wanted to reveal how he felt about me, but hoped that the only change between us is the fact of him telling me how he felt and that this doesn't affect our relationship as friends. In addition, we both understand that if we were to get involved it would be more of a serious relationship seeing that we already know each other very well, and that is something neither of us are ready for. I have never been serious about anybody, and at this point, I don't know if I will ever be serious about anyone, or what's going to happen 5-10 years down the road, nor do I know who will be in my life at that time...so I told him to make sure he lives his life, and don't necessarily "wait" on me. I think the scary thing for me is the possibility that the "right" person for me is him. My mom always tell me that a lot of times we have all we need right in front of our faces, but we always resort to something of lesser value...which I agree, but am I supposed to get involved with someone just because it just seems like the "right" thing to do??? It's just not "right" for me at this time, and I don't know if it will be "right" for me later down the road, or if it would ever be "right" for me. I am just utterly confused, and I know that I need time to sort out my feelings and emotions. Just like you said, I don't and can't blame myself for how I feel. If there is one thing I am very sure of throughout all of this, it's that my best friend is very important to me, and I don't want to hurt him or ruin our friendship, so I guess time will tell how our relationship will end up....thanks for your thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:48pm
If you have that wonderful relationship with him, and don't feel that you want something more (at least, for now), so, just remain friends!! Cherish that friendship you two have and don't worry too much in having a relationship with him. You should only have a relationship with him if you feel more then friendship, if you start developing love feelings for him, the desire to kiss him, to hug him, not in a friends way, but in a lover way. If you don't feel that, don't do anything. Time will tell if you two are meant to be just friends or something else. You don't have to decide nothing now. Good luck for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 4:54pm
Your reply has led to another thing that happened. When he gave me the letter, he kept apologizing for not being bold enough to tell me to my face, and I kept telling him that "it's just me", and I appreciate his honesty and the thought. He has a fear of rejection and in all his previous relationships, it was the females who approached him. I told him that he shouldn't fear being rejected because he is decent looking and a decent person and that with this phenomenom now, he should start building up the courage to go for what he wants. Anyway, when I was getting ready to leave his house, he walked me to my car. Now usually when we say goodbye I give him a hug, but this time, he pulled me close to him and planted a kiss on my lip. Talk about awkward!!! I didn't kiss him back, but after it happened I was like 'wow', and he was like "you said to go for what you want". The thing is he has a desire for me that I don't think I have for him right now. Seeing that I didn't kiss him back, there were no sparks, but I'm telling you, this was totally unexpected and very awkward. But again, I will not allow it to ruin our friendship. I just hope that he doesn't try that again....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:47pm
See he mistook what you said. You had told him to go out and use that courage to find a woman and he thought you meant you. For him to say, "you said to go for what you want" was wrong and you need to tell him that. You didn't tell him to start trying to kiss YOU, you said for him to try it out on a girl. You will ruin the friendship you have now if you do not clear that up right away. Be honest with him, that he made you feel awkward when he kissed you. You don't want to lose a good friend because you didn't have the nerve to be honest.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:04pm
You're absolutely right, his confession to me is the first time he ever put himself out there for a woman. When I said for him to go for what he wants, I meant for him to take that same courage not just with females, but in all areas of his life. When we talked on the phone a couple days ago, it wasn't funny or an awkward conversation, we treated each other the same way. We didn't mention the kiss, but our conversation ended with an understanding (by both of us) that this will not ruin our friendship. I don't know if you read the previous discussions, but I did tell him not to "wait" on me and for him to live his life, and he totally agrees. So yea, I did punk out by not specifically mentioning the kiss, but the conversation ended with a total understanding of the situation and we're confident that this will not change anything between us right now.