Should I dump him? Or work things out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Should I dump him? Or work things out?
2
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:00pm

I have been dating my BF for almost one year. The first five months were blissful. We would talk for hours on the phone and try to spend as much time together. Things between us became sour when he expressed his love for me and I (at that time) was not ready to say the "L" word in return. He appeared hurt and I assured him that I did care about him a lot, but I just wasn't ready. A few weeks after his declaration, he became distant. Valentine's Day rolled around and he didn't even "remember." I became distant and around mid-March, I broke things off. During that time, I began to realize that I was in love with him and began to miss him a lot. For almost two months, I received sporadic phone calls from him. Around early-May, we reunited and spoke about issues we had in our relationship. He felt that I was always distant in the relationship and I felt he wasn't as attentive as I would like.

We chose to get back together and things were better than when we first started dating. We began to communicate more and mutually agreeing on things to do together. He is very affectionate (in private and public), he introduced me to all his close co-workers, he is always talking about "our" future. He asks me questions like "How long do you see yourself with me?" He plans to move in the near future (after he graduates) and asked me if I would go with him. We are very supportive of one another.

But, I can't deal with his absentmindness and lack of responsibility.

Lately, he has been pulling "disappearing acts." There are days, where he doesn't call me. I have told him that it bothers me, when his cellphone gets shut off (he never pays his bill on time) and I can't reach him. His excuse is "it's hard for me to get to a phone to call you until I pay my bill and I call you right away." But, this past week, (once again) his phone is shut off and he hasn't called me for SEVEN DAYS!!! I am so annoyed. He has my work#, home # and my cell#. His cell is his primary line of communication.

He and I have crazy schedules. Between his work/school schedule and my demanding job. We also live a bit of a distance apart from one another. But, he can quite easily make time to get to at least a pay phone and tell me that he's alive. I am frustrated and angry that he can say that he loves me and cares for me and spend days not calling me.

I don't want to cut him loose. I do love him, but when he does things like this, I question his love for me.

What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:47pm

He might love you and want to be with you, just not when his phone is shut off. My guess is that he doesn't feel the need to keep in touch and is using this nonpayment down-time as an excuse for a reprieve from the relationship. Yet when he feels like paying the bill you are supposed to snap back into receptive girlfriend mode.

Although the words may be exactly what you want to hear, you need to judge people on their actions. His actions aren't that promising.

I wonder if he pays his rent and utilities on time, think about it, if you ever live with this guy be prepared to enjoy a hand-to-mouth existance.

Avatar for mdee68
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:54pm

Only you can decide what is best for you. He sounds like a boyfriend I had a few years ago. He was a sweetheart, but he would do those things that you described, not call, disappear, say he was going to call and didn't. It was frustrating and left me sad all the time to say the least. He was very nice to me as well but just couldn't stop neglecting me and my feelings. I'd tell him about how I didn't like when he wouldn't call, he'd apologize, start calling and being around for me, but then he'd go back to doing the same things he did b4. Well, eventually I got fed up of it like any normal human being would and found someone else. You know the strange thing about it when I broke up with him, while he was hurt, he did manage to find someone else very quickly. I suspected that he was seeing someone else the whole time I was with him. Of course, he never admitted to it but that was my intuition and a woman's intuition is never wrong.

Now, I'm not saying that that's the case with you but you know certain things are not right and you're not happy. I'm sorry I can't tell you what to do in this situation. All I can tell you is to take care of your heart. Don't let anyone mistreat you, it's not worth it.