should I get a divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
should I get a divorce?
11
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:44pm
Ok for starters I had just gotten married in June of this year, I have two sons, one son has a good father, but my oldest son has longed for "a father" his whole life. All the men I dated before werent good enough for him even though I was in love with them. I married a man I have known for 4 years, he is great for my oldest son, my son is so happy, but the man I married is my best friend. I care about him as a close friend, but i am not in love with him. I have tried to fall in love with him, but I just dont have those feelings. I am unhappy, but my sons are extremely happy, what should I do??

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:14pm
You got married to 'give your kids a father' and apparently you chose a very good person fro that job. Why are you wanting to quit the job - you never had any criteria on you loving him or being sexually attracted to him in order to "let them have the job.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:33pm
Did you ever feel love for your husband? I am assuming you had to have felt something to commit to marriage?

I would suggest you go to counseling and work on the issues. Reason being that there are children involved and it is unfair to give them a father figure and then take it away - marriage is a commitment to make a family work and I think you should at least try to fall in love again wih your husband. Lots of people feel like they should get divorce or run away after the lust feeling has disappeared, but if he is a good man, not abusive and you care for him (you said he's your best friend) then give it a chance.

If you never felt any loving feelings towards him and only married him b/c of the kids, then I think that is wrong and if he really loves you, then you are going to break his heart and your children's.


Edited 9/15/2004 1:35 pm ET ET by batharine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:18pm
I think it's honarable that you put your children's needs first, but in doing so you have made yourself unhappy.

I don't think you should get a divorce so early in the game. I think you need to give things a chance. You said this man was/ is your best friend, so that's a good start. I think you may want to get some councelling, as a couple or alone. Think about what you are missing in the relationship for you to fall in love with this man, then focus on building that up.

What you don't want to do is walk away and realize later that you do love him.

I wish you all the luck in this. In the end, you need to do what's best for you. If you do give it one last fully true try and you don't feel it's right, then it would only be fair to separate. I also think you need to be honest with him about how you feel. He can't help you if he's fully unaware of what's wrong.

Also, if you do separate, you could discuss him keeping up the relationship he has with your older son, to be the father figure he was missing in his life.

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:05pm
Thank you Alison for your kind words, alot of people dont seem to understand. I know my husband is a wonderful man, I have been down the road of men that just didnt seem to connect with my kids....and it put strains on those relationships cause I do love my kids very much. I felt like I was running out of choices and at a dead end. The first time I met my husband four years ago we tried dating, i was fresh out of a painful breakup, and I didnt have any romantic or sexual feelings for my now husband. I told him I didnt, so we decided to just be friends, He kept pursuing me and my son kept pushing me to give him a chance, but i KNEW i have never had any " in love" feelings for this man. I dont feel right when we kiss or do other things. Ever since the marriage though I have totally felt depressed cause I DID marry him for my sons and only my sons. I just dont know what to do, if I stay i am treated good, but i dont feel anything when we touch each other. If i leave i will hurt my husband and my boys?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:22pm
<< felt like I was running out of choices and at a dead end.>>>

What dead end???

Seriously, would it not be okay for your children to be raised by a emotionally, independant and healthy mom??? I don't see that as a dead end at all. Your life isn't a dead end without a man and now you've gotten married for all the wrong reasons. Your children have a father, you didn't need to search for one for them to fill the void.

The only advice I have for you is counseling. There is no other solution. You have no love for this man other than that of a friend. If you two divorce, this will be worse pain for your children then if you had just been yourself and raised them on your own and been the best parent you could be. It's too bad you couldn't see that being a single mom and loving yourself was enough and not a death sentence to be without a "husband"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:26am
It is true i did marry for all the wrong reasons, but nobody knows my oldest son. He is ten years old now, but all his life he has pushing me saying he wasnt happy with it just being us. I told him that i didnt think we needed a man in our lives, but that just wasnt good enough for him. I did go to shrink about all this before i even decided to date my now husband, i explained to the shrink that i wasnt in love with this man but my son was and he said so what?? if it makes your son happy do it!!!!! I went to a priest about all this and he said " a friend is the best type of person to marry instead of marrying for love" so i had all kinds of outside opinions from people i should have been able to trust. But they were most concerned about my kids, and so was i. But now I feel completely ashamed for marrying......i feel trapped. I worked at arbys restaurant for years trying to support me and my boys, we didnt have much but i was happy being alone. But watching how sad my oldest son was everytime my youngest sons dad picked him up tore my heart out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:03am
Did you ever put your children in counseling? Your counselor was wrong.

The excuse you gave, "you did it for the kids" is the same excuse men use for staying in bad marriages and cheating, or staying and just being miserable. It does the kids more harm in the long run. Great your son is happy, you are not. So in a few years you will be miserable (you seem to be already headed there) and then you will divorce, and your son will be angry and you'll be upset for upsetting him.

I'm all for making children happy, but marrying someone that you don't love just for the sake of your children, I don't believe is noble, I think it's really detrimental to those kids, now their mother is married to someone they don't love, they now know whatever they want they can get heck they got mom to marry someone they liked.

It's really too bad because you are suffering. I think you need to go to counseling, find another counselor. I'm not sure what part of the country you live in but it seems awfully foolish that you received advice like this, however it doesn't surprise me that a priest would suggest you marry someone you don't love rather than being a single mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:14pm
I completely agree about how the kids will think they can get whatever they want. I feel extremely guilty for getting pregnant at the age of 16 and I think that is why i try to do everthing for my kids instread of for everyone. THe sad thing is the shrink i went to charged over $100 for that crappy advice!! I know my kids see that I am not that happy....I just know it is my fault for everything, rather it be if I am single, divorced....because I wouldnt have to worry about making anyone else happy if i used my head more at 16. I am taking steps though to make my kids proud of me in other ways that way if i do get a divorce they wont have to be "poor". I know kids learn from example, i know how twisted this sounds but that is one of the reasons for the marriage. My husband is a great man or role model for my son. But life is that way where you cant have everything, every man i love the kids complain about, but the men they love I cant develop any type of connection with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:57pm
Listen there is no need in blaming yourself for something that happened in the past. The only thing you can do is look towards the future and make the best decisions. I honestly think you need counseling, for yourself and for your children. Your oldest son has always wanted a father figure in his life, those are issues that he needs to deal with, with the help of a professional as to an absentee father in his life.

The thing is, you could have had this man as your friend and a positive role model in your childrens life, without marrying him. It's better to have male friends, grandfathers, uncles etc. making a positive male influence in their life. Don't you agree?

Please stop being so hard on yourself, do what is best though, you don't want to keep making decisions from the point you are in right now. It's not healthy. Please work on yourself in counseling (NOT WITH THAT QUACK!!!) and I would really advise getting counseling for your son so he can deal with his issues of having an absentee father.

Good luck, if you ever want to talk I'll listen (PS I am also divorced)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:01pm
I think that maybe the solution here is to separate. You can continue living together if you get along well, but mainly that would be for the boys' sake again, and may not be the best solution for you. One of my dear friends in high school had her parents separate and still live together. They worked out fine, they just renovated part of the basement to add another room and the parents then had their own rooms.

But if you're not interested in that scenario, then it would be best to live apart.

All in all I think you need to make a decision that's right for YOU. I know that your sons will be upset, but they can still see the guy!

I wish you the best

Alison

Photobucket

Pages