should I get a divorce?
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should I get a divorce?
| Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:44pm |
Ok for starters I had just gotten married in June of this year, I have two sons, one son has a good father, but my oldest son has longed for "a father" his whole life. All the men I dated before werent good enough for him even though I was in love with them. I married a man I have known for 4 years, he is great for my oldest son, my son is so happy, but the man I married is my best friend. I care about him as a close friend, but i am not in love with him. I have tried to fall in love with him, but I just dont have those feelings. I am unhappy, but my sons are extremely happy, what should I do??

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Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I would suggest you go to counseling and work on the issues. Reason being that there are children involved and it is unfair to give them a father figure and then take it away - marriage is a commitment to make a family work and I think you should at least try to fall in love again wih your husband. Lots of people feel like they should get divorce or run away after the lust feeling has disappeared, but if he is a good man, not abusive and you care for him (you said he's your best friend) then give it a chance.
If you never felt any loving feelings towards him and only married him b/c of the kids, then I think that is wrong and if he really loves you, then you are going to break his heart and your children's.
Edited 9/15/2004 1:35 pm ET ET by batharine
I don't think you should get a divorce so early in the game. I think you need to give things a chance. You said this man was/ is your best friend, so that's a good start. I think you may want to get some councelling, as a couple or alone. Think about what you are missing in the relationship for you to fall in love with this man, then focus on building that up.
What you don't want to do is walk away and realize later that you do love him.
I wish you all the luck in this. In the end, you need to do what's best for you. If you do give it one last fully true try and you don't feel it's right, then it would only be fair to separate. I also think you need to be honest with him about how you feel. He can't help you if he's fully unaware of what's wrong.
Also, if you do separate, you could discuss him keeping up the relationship he has with your older son, to be the father figure he was missing in his life.
Alison
What dead end???
Seriously, would it not be okay for your children to be raised by a emotionally, independant and healthy mom??? I don't see that as a dead end at all. Your life isn't a dead end without a man and now you've gotten married for all the wrong reasons. Your children have a father, you didn't need to search for one for them to fill the void.
The only advice I have for you is counseling. There is no other solution. You have no love for this man other than that of a friend. If you two divorce, this will be worse pain for your children then if you had just been yourself and raised them on your own and been the best parent you could be. It's too bad you couldn't see that being a single mom and loving yourself was enough and not a death sentence to be without a "husband"
The excuse you gave, "you did it for the kids" is the same excuse men use for staying in bad marriages and cheating, or staying and just being miserable. It does the kids more harm in the long run. Great your son is happy, you are not. So in a few years you will be miserable (you seem to be already headed there) and then you will divorce, and your son will be angry and you'll be upset for upsetting him.
I'm all for making children happy, but marrying someone that you don't love just for the sake of your children, I don't believe is noble, I think it's really detrimental to those kids, now their mother is married to someone they don't love, they now know whatever they want they can get heck they got mom to marry someone they liked.
It's really too bad because you are suffering. I think you need to go to counseling, find another counselor. I'm not sure what part of the country you live in but it seems awfully foolish that you received advice like this, however it doesn't surprise me that a priest would suggest you marry someone you don't love rather than being a single mother.
The thing is, you could have had this man as your friend and a positive role model in your childrens life, without marrying him. It's better to have male friends, grandfathers, uncles etc. making a positive male influence in their life. Don't you agree?
Please stop being so hard on yourself, do what is best though, you don't want to keep making decisions from the point you are in right now. It's not healthy. Please work on yourself in counseling (NOT WITH THAT QUACK!!!) and I would really advise getting counseling for your son so he can deal with his issues of having an absentee father.
Good luck, if you ever want to talk I'll listen (PS I am also divorced)
But if you're not interested in that scenario, then it would be best to live apart.
All in all I think you need to make a decision that's right for YOU. I know that your sons will be upset, but they can still see the guy!
I wish you the best
Alison
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