Should I give up or wait and see?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Should I give up or wait and see?
2
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:14pm

I found myself attracted to a friend/coworker awhile back, but I never pursued anything because we both were involved in relationships with other people. Recently, we both ended our relationships, and are now single. I invited him over, along with a few others for a get together this past weekend. Well, needless to say, things got a little crazy, and he stayed the night. The next day, after he got out of work, he called and asked if he could come back over and continue what we started, saying he had been thinking of me all day and wanted to see me, and I didn't hesitate. He came back over, we hung out, and things got intense again .. he stayed the night again. The next day, we spent the whole day (and night) together just hanging out together, talking, watching movies, etc.

He told me that his ex-g/f wanted to get back together with him but he said he didn't want to be with her. Well, while he was here, she called and he told her that he didn't love her anymore, that he was seeing someone else and didn't want to get back together with her. I didn't know what to say or think. We had talked about not being ready for serious relationships, but then it was him saying .. if we want to see each other, maybe we'll date, take it one day at a time, who cares what people think, and if people at work find out, oh well, but we weren't going to willingly give them the info. we'd hide it. We talked about the night of the get together, and even though we were drinking, neither one of us was regretting what had happened. We were enjoying being with each other. And I was thinking to myself, that we agreed we weren't ready for a relationship, but it seemed like that didn't matter at that point. And no, there was no alcohol after that first night so it wasn't THAT talking.. lol.

A few days go by and we hadn't been together outside of work, but we talked a little and flirted when we did see each other, and talked about getting together, but his schedule just left him with no time. I tried calling him last night but he wasn't there, so I left a message. No reply. Well today, I asked him if everything was ok, and he said yeah, but I do want to talk to you. He said he's not ready for a relationship and wants to be single for a while, that things are moving kind of fast, and that maybe we should be friends for now, still hang out, etc. It shocked me because I knew we had talked about that and I kept thinking, what did I do? Did I do something that made him think otherwise, because HE was the one talking about us seeing each other, etc., not me. I said well maybe we weren't clear ENOUGH about the relationship readiness issue and that I'm not ready for it either. But I also said that I do still want to see him occasionally, hang out, etc., and he said that's cool, he'd like that, as long as we're on the same page, and, in the same sentence, I said that I had been thinking about him a lot, and he said the same about me. I don't think I'm the only one confused here. LOL.

I don't know what to do ... I'm really attracted to this guy, and I think he's attracted to me too. It's hard to go back now that we've already started something, and our curiosity is still peaked about each other, but I don't want to give up on this yet. Now may not be a good time to start a new relationship, but I can't help but wonder if it may happen down the road. The chemistry is definitely there. Should I play it out .. give him his space/time and see what happens, but let him know, in subtle ways, like flirting, etc., that I'm still interested? Or should I just give up on him altogether?

Edited 2/24/2006 11:18 pm ET by crazy4virgo911




Edited 2/24/2006 11:24 pm ET by crazy4virgo911
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 9:29am

Hi!

Here's the thing. Same thing happened to me, but I "waited and saw". So for 9 months, I semi-dated this man. We hung out, flirted, etc. He gave me lines..."I think about you all the time." or "I missed you today." Seriously, I thought we were going somewhere, but he didn't want a commitment, he wanted a beck and call girl. 9 months down the line, I finally got the msg, and walked away. Imagine all the men that I didn't date while waiting for his butt to decide whether or not he wants me for a gf.

Here's the point: listen to what he's saying, don't read between the lines cause there isn't anything there. "He's not ready for a relationship and wants to be single for a while". How long is a while? Hopefully not 9 months and 5 unused dates with really hot men later. If he wanted you, he woulda gotten you.

Be his friend. Don't flirt . In the meantime, date other men. Men who WANT you.

Nina

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Sat, 02-25-2006 - 10:50am

Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore. I saw him with his ex-g/f this morning, and I made sure he saw me. So he's obviously more confused than I thought if he's telling me that he doesn't want a relationship with ANYONE and it had nothing to do with other women, just wanted to be single and enjoy himself, but then he is out with her again. This being the ex-g/f that he supposedly told a few days ago (and told me) ... he didn't love anymore, didn't want her around, and was seeing someone else (me). The one he refers to as "the lunatic," because she is constantly calling, paging, driving by, leaving nasty messages on his machine, notes on his truck, etc. The one who, he says, treats him like dirt, as well as his kids.

My ex was pulling the same things on me when my friend was here, calling, paging, etc., wanting to get back together, and I told him, no, it's over, I'm moving on. My friend was getting upset with it too, saying why can't they just leave us alone and maybe we should just hook them up together too, they'd make a perfect pair, and we'd all be set.

Yesterday, my friend told me to call him and leave my numbers on his machine again so that we could still hang out, etc. (supposedly he lost them .. which I believe, he'd lose his head if it weren't attached). Well, I never called, figured I'd make him wonder, and if he really wanted to see me, he knows where to find me. I'm glad I didn't call, but, after talking to a mutual friend/coworker, who is as anxious as me to see if he will call after he was caught this morning, I think I might just do it to see what he does, but I'm not going to say one word about what I saw and let him sweat it. If he even cares.

It makes me so mad that he tells ME he's not ready, but then he's back with the ex the next day for whatever reason, especially after everything that he said. I really want to call him and tell him what I think, but I won't. It hurts, because I really like this guy. I never told him that I liked him before this happened. But maybe, I will now, just to let him know that ... I don't play games and, even though it wasn't the time for a relationship, that I genuinely did like him and it was NOT a game to me. I was sincere about the things I said and did.

My friends at work have been telling me that he hasn't been able to make up his mind about his ex or ex-wife for awhile, because whenever they call, he goes, whether it's to fix their cars, the kids, or whatever .. he can't say no. He can't say no at work either, he gives in every time. I knew he was confused, but I didn't think he was the type to play mind games or whatever it is he's doing. I have to face him every morning at work, and feeling how I do about him, and now this happening, makes it worse. But as I think about it, come Monday morning, whether or not I hear from him this w/end, I'm just gonna walk in with a big smile on my face and act like nothing's going on, and see how he responds. I'm sure, at some point, he will say something about me seeing him with her, if he has a conscience, which I think he does, or at least did this past wk. He doesn't like confrontation, but he doesn't like when people think bad about him either and will want to set the record straight, I'm sure.