Should I give up what I have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Should I give up what I have?
6
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:30pm
Hi everyone,

I have a little problem that I've been trying to figure out for the last couple of months. I have been in a two year relationship so far with my present boyfriend. He is also my first "real" boyfriend and relationship. I feel that I am happy with him for the most part; he treats me well, is there for me when I need him, etc. I am 19 years old, almost 20, and haven't been single since I was 17. I have dated and been physical with a couple guys before him, so it's not like I haven't been with any other guys, but I did lose my virginity to my boyfriend, which I had made a promise to myself to lose it when I was in a real, actual relationship before hand.

My problem is that I am thinking of taking a "break" or even breaking up for awhile with my boyfriend to see what else is out there. The only fear I have is getting out into the dating world right away. I was never a person who felt like I needed to be in a relationship--my boyfriend pursued me, and we were friends for half a year before we started dating exclusively. However, now that I have been in a relationship, my perspective has changed on "being alone". I have become so dependent on my boyfriend. (I don't know if it's the whole emotional attachment thing after 1st time sex, or what?) But, I kind of want to see what else is out there so I can see if a) my boyfriend is truely the one and 2)get more dating experience before throwing my whole life into one relationship for the rest of my life. (He brings up marriage even, sometimes!) I know that my boyfriend would be very understanding if I did choose to break up for awhile to see what else is out there since I have mentioned it to him a couple of times already.

My question is then, should I break up with my guy for at least a couple months to see what else is out there? Or do I keep what I have and not risk losing the good relationship or him?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:52am
It is ALWAYS a bad idea to stay in a relationship out of fear - fear of being alone/not being able to take care of yourself, fear of not finding someone else, etc. It sounds to me like you want to be on your own for awhile and are not ready to settle down with your bf, and given your age I think that is incredibly wise. People change a lot during the late teens and early 20s, and you will find that some people that you had a lot in common with a few years ago, you will drift apart as you both change. That may be what is happening with your bf. There is nothing wrong with that, it is very normal.

I think that you should be on your own for awhile. You need to know that you are independent and able to take care of yourself. Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:42am
This sounds like a very one sided relationship - nowhere did you even suggest that you are inspired to give to him or that you do give to him - it sounds like he is just someone you can call your boyfriend and he is at your beck and call and you "need" him - I don't see where your love and admiration of him is.

If he would be understanding if you wanted to date others than either he is so insecure he doesn't feel worthy of you, or he is not that into you - in reality, if you do date others realize you are taking the real risk that he will not be waiting around and/or will meet someone else. I think that is a reasonable risk to take given your age and stage in life - but to think that he will be patiently waiting is ridiculous. Also consider how you will feel about him dating others - knowing all the risks, decide whether that's what you want - I am not telling you not to date others but you seem very naive about the impact that will have on your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:36pm
I would break up with him. If you think breaking up is a good idea, chances are you are right. But I also agree with deena33, don't hold out hope that you're going to get back together. I also think that you should not only break up to "see what is out there." Break up because you are not ready to committ to this guy at this time. Breaking up sounds like the right thing for you, but that doesn't mean you have to jump into dating or another relationship.

Even though you have never been the type to "need" to be in a relationship, you have spent quite a good amount of time being in one. I got married at 23 and am now 33 and in the process of a divorce. Oh how I wish I had spent some time living by my self and just getting to know who I was as in individual. I think that would have made be a much smarter and stronger person, and I would have made completely different choices in relationships if I had had that experience. I also believe that you become a much different person once you have finished college and started your career. I wish I had done that before I started thinking about marriage. After college I turned into a hard working professional, and my husband turned into a low achieving, video game playing couch potato.

Anyway, follow your gut and get single. I wish you all the best.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:53pm
Look before you leap! If I were in his shoes, I would be relieved to let you go. If he says "I know that my boyfriend would be very understanding if I did choose to break up for awhile to see what else is out there", maybe that's what he's thinking. Or maybe he just enjoys being a doormat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:27pm
I have the same question... you haven't said how YOU feel about your boyfriend? Do you love him? Do you love being with him? Or has the relationship begun to bore you and make you feel stifled?

It sounds to me like you would rather be free to date others, but you're afraid of being *alone* or not finding anyone who is as much of a "prize" as your current BF. It's already been said, but fear is no reason to stay with anyone. You should only be with this young man because you truly feel that he's the RIGHT person for you, and he feels the same way. You are both too young to tie yourselves down to each other for anything less than a commitment from the heart. You're not married and (I assume) you don't have children, so you don't have to stay together out of some false sense of obligation. And certainly not just because you believe you're "supposed" to have a girlfriend/boyfriend.

You need to get out there and experience life. I was also in a very serious longterm relationship when I was very young, and all through college... from 17 to 23. I finally broke away from him when I felt just as you do now. I felt like I had missed out on so many experiences dating guys as an adult. However, my ex-bf was not OK with me leaving. He tried to get me back several times, and it took him a long time to accept it. But I never went back to him, and I'm glad.

Make the break. You're going to change and grow up so much over the years. But if you and your boyfriend are meant to be, you'll find your way back to one another as time goes by.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:37pm
Thank you to all that have responded to my question so far.

Just in response to a couple of you, I DO love him and care for him. And I don't think that he is "being a doormat" or whatever else he may be. Also, in another reponse, when I have asked him if we should take a break for awhile, he does not want to at all, and he still thinks we're right for eachother. However, he knows that he cannot hold me back, either. I think it's more considerate of him to be able to go with what I want in life, instead of threatening me or anything like that if I choose to leave.

I just feel that our differences are starting to come out all of a sudden through these past few months. I also feel that I haven't really experienced life being my own, independent self yet.


P.S. He has been in a relationship before me. (about 8 months) and the girl basically treated him like crap. I don't know if this makes any difference between me and him about our relationship perspectives or not?

-C