Should I just file this away in my brain
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Should I just file this away in my brain
| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:25pm |
My BF (age 43) and I (age 33) have been dating exclusively since March. He joined an adult match service (geared more towards sex than relationships) in January just a couple days before we met. We both took our profiles off the relationship website (am.singles)we were on when we began dating exclusively in March. He told me he cancelled his subscription to the adult match service also. He always laughed and said he never met anyone from that sight and was more just entertainment to look than anything.
I spent the night last night and when I got up this morning (he was already gone to work) I needed an envelope to mail a letter. He's told me to get in his computer desk drawers before for envelopes, etc. and so I got in there to get one. REALLY, THIS WASN'T A SNOOPING THING. Sitting there was a printout of the email from the "sex matching site" thanking him for his cancelation and his cancellation number....dated MAY 12TH!!!!!! Two months after we've been exclusive. And to an email address that was labeled as hard_cock820!..not his normal email address. Now began the snooping.
I know his password on his normal email..he gave it to me one day to look up something. So I tried it on this email account and it worked. None of the emails from the site had been opened since we became exclusive. I also got the shock of my life when I looked at the IM profile attached to that email and found he used a fake name and the picture on the profile was him holding his member!..it was obviously used for this sex matching site. I haven't logged on the site to look yet because that kind of site is prohibited at work. He has never lied to me before and we have a pretty open relationship communication wise. I'm really feeling upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up to him or just file it away for future reference and be watchful. Like I said..none of the emails had been opened so it could have been that he took his profile off the site when he said he did but didn't get the charge to his card cancelled by accident thinking it cancelled with just taking his profile off...it could be anything. He knows that in my past relationship, my BF didn't take his sites down when he said he did and it hurt me greatly. Then by ex-BF proceeded to take those down and then put up new ones and I ended the relationship with a lot of trust issues. He said he would never do anything like that and would always be honest with me and has been. He even let me know that one of the gals from the match site we met on and him were still friends and talked by email once inawhile...he showed me the emails (harmless) and offered to cut that friendship if I wanted him to..it didn't bother me..and I didn't ask him to. I thought I had finally found someone I could really trust and our relationship has been great until now. What would you all do?
I spent the night last night and when I got up this morning (he was already gone to work) I needed an envelope to mail a letter. He's told me to get in his computer desk drawers before for envelopes, etc. and so I got in there to get one. REALLY, THIS WASN'T A SNOOPING THING. Sitting there was a printout of the email from the "sex matching site" thanking him for his cancelation and his cancellation number....dated MAY 12TH!!!!!! Two months after we've been exclusive. And to an email address that was labeled as hard_cock820!..not his normal email address. Now began the snooping.
I know his password on his normal email..he gave it to me one day to look up something. So I tried it on this email account and it worked. None of the emails from the site had been opened since we became exclusive. I also got the shock of my life when I looked at the IM profile attached to that email and found he used a fake name and the picture on the profile was him holding his member!..it was obviously used for this sex matching site. I haven't logged on the site to look yet because that kind of site is prohibited at work. He has never lied to me before and we have a pretty open relationship communication wise. I'm really feeling upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up to him or just file it away for future reference and be watchful. Like I said..none of the emails had been opened so it could have been that he took his profile off the site when he said he did but didn't get the charge to his card cancelled by accident thinking it cancelled with just taking his profile off...it could be anything. He knows that in my past relationship, my BF didn't take his sites down when he said he did and it hurt me greatly. Then by ex-BF proceeded to take those down and then put up new ones and I ended the relationship with a lot of trust issues. He said he would never do anything like that and would always be honest with me and has been. He even let me know that one of the gals from the match site we met on and him were still friends and talked by email once inawhile...he showed me the emails (harmless) and offered to cut that friendship if I wanted him to..it didn't bother me..and I didn't ask him to. I thought I had finally found someone I could really trust and our relationship has been great until now. What would you all do?

File it away...
I would say that he probably just got around to canceling the subscription.
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Keep the fact that you snooped to yourself, becuase right now you may be untrusting with no solid reason... but if you tell him, he will be untrusting with a very very good reason.
Just be cautious. Good luck
I think it's perfectly possible that he could have thought he cancelled but it didn't go through or something...but why not just ask?
You may be able to use this as kind of a "learning tool" to make the point that he needs to TELL you things, even if he's afraid you're not going to like what he tells you, that honesty and disclosure is *always* preferrable to hiding things.
Personally, though, I'd have a real hard time continuing to date someone who would put a picture of his genitals on the internet, regardless of whether it was before he was in a r'ship with me or not. Are you ok with that?
Sheri
He has always assured me that it was more entertainment for him than anything because the emails he would receive were so funny and that he never even met a woman from that site. This talk was when he admitted to having been a member of the site but was taking it down because we were exclusive. I think he's telling the truth on not being with anyone..he's pretty shy and it took from when we met in Jan to March for us to have any intimacy because he wasn't sure how to approach it..lol...though it's all good now!
I must admit though...when I saw that picture...I had a sick feeling in my stomach..I've never known anyone personally to place a picture like that before...not even my ex-BF! If the past is past..I guess I should try to let it be. He knows that last summer, after leaving my ex-BF that I had a fairly wild and rebellious couple of months that led to several one night stands..friends of friends..with condoms and I've been tested since. He accepted that as past for me. I'm just feeling really weird right now.
I was frankly surprised to read the "let it lie" responses! Personally, I think secrecy breeds secrecy, and that's not the type of r'ship I want...I would want everything open and out on the table.
Sheri
hmm.. could you maybe not tell him you hacked into his email, but tell him that you found the bill, and ask him why it took so long to cancel it? Would he get defensive?
In which case, that happens..but I'm still a little bothered by the picture on that IM account. I hate to cause a rift by bringing it up..yet it haunts me some.
even if that never happened just the fact that he posted his.... thing would be bad enough.
Well, I just don't see the point in making this a bigger issue than it already is.
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