Should I just file this away in my brain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Should I just file this away in my brain
9
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:25pm
My BF (age 43) and I (age 33) have been dating exclusively since March. He joined an adult match service (geared more towards sex than relationships) in January just a couple days before we met. We both took our profiles off the relationship website (am.singles)we were on when we began dating exclusively in March. He told me he cancelled his subscription to the adult match service also. He always laughed and said he never met anyone from that sight and was more just entertainment to look than anything.

I spent the night last night and when I got up this morning (he was already gone to work) I needed an envelope to mail a letter. He's told me to get in his computer desk drawers before for envelopes, etc. and so I got in there to get one. REALLY, THIS WASN'T A SNOOPING THING. Sitting there was a printout of the email from the "sex matching site" thanking him for his cancelation and his cancellation number....dated MAY 12TH!!!!!! Two months after we've been exclusive. And to an email address that was labeled as hard_cock820!..not his normal email address. Now began the snooping.

I know his password on his normal email..he gave it to me one day to look up something. So I tried it on this email account and it worked. None of the emails from the site had been opened since we became exclusive. I also got the shock of my life when I looked at the IM profile attached to that email and found he used a fake name and the picture on the profile was him holding his member!..it was obviously used for this sex matching site. I haven't logged on the site to look yet because that kind of site is prohibited at work. He has never lied to me before and we have a pretty open relationship communication wise. I'm really feeling upset about this. I don't know if I should bring it up to him or just file it away for future reference and be watchful. Like I said..none of the emails had been opened so it could have been that he took his profile off the site when he said he did but didn't get the charge to his card cancelled by accident thinking it cancelled with just taking his profile off...it could be anything. He knows that in my past relationship, my BF didn't take his sites down when he said he did and it hurt me greatly. Then by ex-BF proceeded to take those down and then put up new ones and I ended the relationship with a lot of trust issues. He said he would never do anything like that and would always be honest with me and has been. He even let me know that one of the gals from the match site we met on and him were still friends and talked by email once inawhile...he showed me the emails (harmless) and offered to cut that friendship if I wanted him to..it didn't bother me..and I didn't ask him to. I thought I had finally found someone I could really trust and our relationship has been great until now. What would you all do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 4:34pm

File it away...


I would say that he probably just got around to canceling the subscription.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 4:36pm
I think if the emails werent opened dont say anything to him, but be cautious, becuase if he was signed onto a sex site, was PAYING for a sex site, and posted a very indescrete picture of himself, there are chances that this man may not be the most chaste. Consider the women he may have been with before you as well. All it takes is one. I say, get thee to an apothecary! (sorry, bad joke). But really, go see a doc, or ask him to, just incase. And remember that all of your past is just that.. in your past. And so is his. Just make sure it doesnt effect your future.

Keep the fact that you snooped to yourself, becuase right now you may be untrusting with no solid reason... but if you tell him, he will be untrusting with a very very good reason.

Just be cautious. Good luck
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 4:43pm
I would let him know what you found and ask him why he kept it secret from you. I assume he knows your previous experience and so is aware you have issues around this topic?

I think it's perfectly possible that he could have thought he cancelled but it didn't go through or something...but why not just ask?

You may be able to use this as kind of a "learning tool" to make the point that he needs to TELL you things, even if he's afraid you're not going to like what he tells you, that honesty and disclosure is *always* preferrable to hiding things.

Personally, though, I'd have a real hard time continuing to date someone who would put a picture of his genitals on the internet, regardless of whether it was before he was in a r'ship with me or not. Are you ok with that?

Sheri





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 4:55pm
Thanks all, Sheri asked if I was OK with him posting his genitals..to tell you the truth, I don't know. I know that on those sex sites..they tend to post pictures of their genitals without their faces in the pictures all the time...who would post their face?..lol. And most people on those sites aren't looking for the whole package..they are looking for big breasts, big genatalia, etc. so that's what's posted.

He has always assured me that it was more entertainment for him than anything because the emails he would receive were so funny and that he never even met a woman from that site. This talk was when he admitted to having been a member of the site but was taking it down because we were exclusive. I think he's telling the truth on not being with anyone..he's pretty shy and it took from when we met in Jan to March for us to have any intimacy because he wasn't sure how to approach it..lol...though it's all good now!

I must admit though...when I saw that picture...I had a sick feeling in my stomach..I've never known anyone personally to place a picture like that before...not even my ex-BF! If the past is past..I guess I should try to let it be. He knows that last summer, after leaving my ex-BF that I had a fairly wild and rebellious couple of months that led to several one night stands..friends of friends..with condoms and I've been tested since. He accepted that as past for me. I'm just feeling really weird right now.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:05pm
Well, you gotta do what you think is right for you. I know what kind of photos are posted on those sites (unfortunately I also have an ex who frequented them), but ick...that doesn't mean he has to do it too, ya know? There are plenty of people on those sites who DON'T post those kind of photos.

I was frankly surprised to read the "let it lie" responses! Personally, I think secrecy breeds secrecy, and that's not the type of r'ship I want...I would want everything open and out on the table.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:05pm
haha, I would feel wierd too. but if it was really all for entertainment like he said, why would he put in a pic like that? ok, so you know youre clean, what about him?

hmm.. could you maybe not tell him you hacked into his email, but tell him that you found the bill, and ask him why it took so long to cancel it? Would he get defensive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:18pm
I'm afraid he would be hurt that I didn't trust him enough to know that it was a billing error, etc. I just found in his "hard_cock"...I've been looking at all the messages..lol, email account where he cancelled it in March..the day after we decided to be exclusive. The email says to go to their IBILL service to remove the monthly charge to your credit card. I'm guessing he didn't do that and then figured out he was getting charged and went there to cancel the charge on May 12th. Looks like it anyway....

In which case, that happens..but I'm still a little bothered by the picture on that IM account. I hate to cause a rift by bringing it up..yet it haunts me some.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:41pm
Yeah his cognito weewee would really disturb me! I mean, what if your friends or co workers saw it, and you introduced him, and they said 'you yeah I recognize you from the picture of your... thing.., arent you C0ck something or other??"

even if that never happened just the fact that he posted his.... thing would be bad enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:48pm

Well, I just don't see the point in making this a bigger issue than it already is.

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