Should I or shouldn't I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Should I or shouldn't I
6
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:38am
I signed up on a website to meet new people in my area as I just moved here.The problem is that more men are in contact with me then women,which overwhelmed me.My last relationship was very violent and ended three years ago.All the wounds are healed and my three children and I are quite happy as we are.

I have been asked out on dates by quite a few men.At first I refused and after thinking long and hard about it,changed my mind.I was always one for commitment and have dated one man at a time.But now I am 34 and I feel that I should just enjoy the company .I am not sleeping with any of them and they know I won't,I have made it quite clear.

Yet I feel guilty!!! I am dating 4 men at the same time. Sometimes I feel to call it quits,but then I would only sit at home all the time.Can I get some feedback on this ,please???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:26am
My bf and I (37 and 32 respectively) met on a dating site, looking for long term relationships. Both of us had only ever had long term relationships (his longest with his ex wife being 15 years, mine with my ex being about 7.5). We've never done the whole 'dating' thing to any extent and we were worried about getting back into that 'comfort' of being with someone - it's what we're used to - before we were really ready. We agreed right from the start that we'd date and just leave it to the universe to work out what was best for us, and so we agreed also to date other people as well.

It was strange at first because we tend to think society has preconceived notions that you should see one person at a time and you're some kind of player if you see more than one person. And to be honest, we felt bad (wrong?) within ourselves, for a short while, for doing what we thought other people would think was the wrong thing to do. Fact is, it's what I/he/we are comfortable with that's important, not anybody else.

The key is honesty. We were upfront from day one that we'd see other people (not sleep with other people) and we were upfront with the others as well. It then becomes a choice - on a level playing field - for each person involved to choose whether they want to be in that situation or not.

Honestly? It sounds like it's your time to go out there and just let your hair down and have some fun, meet people and enjoy yourself. You don't have to sign your life away to any single person. You have a right to be happy and if you're happy getting out there and getting some positive attention and meeting some nice people and it's building your self esteem, why the heck wouldn't you?

Best of luck and congratulations for being able to move on from your past.

Eve :-)

ps. it took 2 months for my bf and I to finally get the guts to be exclusive, but we're glad we did it the way we did because meeting the other people that we did gave us an appreciation of how much better we interacted with each other than we did with anyone else. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:10am
Dating is going out and having fun. You are supposed to date a lot of people at the same time...back in the day it was a mother's strategy to her kids from getting too serious over one particular person and having things get 'heavy'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating a lot of men at once. A lot of people do that. When you finally meet one person that interests you more than the others, then you tell the other ones, 'bye'.

Given your history, I think it's a good idea, too, for you to be out there meeting different sorts of men. Just be careful about the men you really click with...you might be clicking with them because you recognize the drama that you're familiar with (the abuse). Until we address our issues, we're drawn to the same patterns over and over again. Good luck and have fun!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:35pm
There is nothing wrong with dating 4 men as long as you are straight with them. That is the only way I feel you can discover men again after being in a relationship. I was in a long term relationship and am doing the same thing and the guys I have been seeing are ok with that. Hope this has helped some????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:20pm
Hi,

I have to agree with the other posts here. Enjoy yourself, you are doing nothing wrong. If you feel guilty, take a look at some of the other posts on this same site. Many men/women not getting what they want/need from their SO and they are miserable. You don't have to worry about that, you are not getting so involved that you can get hurt at this point. I say go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:33am
Thank you all very much for your feedback.I feel a lot more positive now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:15pm
You got good advice here!

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