SHOULD I SAY I LOVE YOU, HE HASNT (dating 8 months months)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2012
SHOULD I SAY I LOVE YOU, HE HASNT (dating 8 months months)
5
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 1:46am

Joe and I started dating 8 months ago. We have known each other, and our families since we were kids. He’s 39, I’m 37. I left 10 year toxic relationship to be with Joe. I’m craz about him. I think I’m in love with him. We are together nearly every night that he does not work (fire department so he does 2 overnights per week). We talk about everything. He listens to me. He cares for me. I can tell because he bought a Christmas tree for his bachelors pad. He baked my parents brownies for the holidays. He rearranged his work schedule to spend my birthday with me, in which he made reservations to an incredible restaurant and held my hand throughout the night except when we were eating ! Lol

He is amazing and I feel amazing when I’m with him. So here is why I’m writing: he is 39 and never been married because he said he wasn’t ready and just didn’t find the right one. I’m a commitment phobe myself, having bounced from one toxic relationship to another. I’m over the drama at this point. I feel settled now. I own my own home. I’m 7 years into my career. I realize now that I dated losers because I didn’t want any distractions. I did not want to find the right guy and commit to him and sacrifice my own desires. I wanted to get things my way after seeing my mother dominated by my father who made all of the decisions as to where to live, not allowing her to work etc. Well I’m over that now. I think I’m in love with him but I cant bring myself to say it. The worst is that he hasn’t said it either but I know he doesn’t want to rush me because he knows of my commitment issues, and lets face it he must have a few himself.

 

If it ain’ broke don’t fix it right? Should I keep my mouth shit or spew those 3 words? I’d love for him to say it first !?!?!?!??!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013

Wow, that is a tough one! At first my thought was "go for it!" but I keep thinking back to what you said about "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". The things is, it IS a little bit broken b/c you know that until one of you says it, it's always going to be in the back of your mind, bothering you a little. I definitely can't guarantee that it's the right thing to do but knowing myself, I don't think I would be able to hold back much longer and would probably end up blurting it out! I think at the very least it could be a good eye opener to see how he responds.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

teraez17 wrote:
<p>Joe and I started dating 8 months ago. We have known each other, and our families since we were kids. He’s 39, I’m 37. I left 10 year toxic relationship to be with Joe. I’m craz about him. I think I’m in love with him. We are together nearly every night that he does not work (fire department so he does 2 overnights per week). We talk about everything. He listens to me. He cares for me. I can tell because he bought a Christmas tree for his bachelors pad. He baked my parents brownies for the holidays. He rearranged his work schedule to spend my birthday with me, in which he made reservations to an incredible restaurant and held my hand throughout the night except when we were eating ! Lol</p><p>He is amazing and I feel amazing when I’m with him. So here is why I’m writing: he is 39 and never been married because he said he wasn’t ready and just didn’t find the right one. I’m a commitment phobe myself, having bounced from one toxic relationship to another. I’m over the drama at this point. I feel settled now. I own my own home. I’m 7 years into my career. I realize now that I dated losers because I didn’t want any distractions. I did not want to find the right guy and commit to him and sacrifice my own desires. I wanted to get things my way after seeing my mother dominated by my father who made all of the decisions as to where to live, not allowing her to work etc. Well I’m over that now. I think I’m in love with him but I cant bring myself to say it. The worst is that he hasn’t said it either but I know he doesn’t want to rush me because he knows of my commitment issues, and lets face it he must have a few himself.</p><p> </p><p>If it ain’ broke don’t fix it right? Should I keep my mouth shit or spew those 3 words? I’d love for him to say it first !?!?!?!??!?!</p>

In light of what you wrote here, how important to what you have with him is it to hear "I love you" from him?  How important is it for you to be the first one to say it?  Can it be said without any expectations?

You could feel him out by asking him how does he feel loved and how does he show love.  If you're already doing what he describes, then he may already feel loved by you without you having to say the words.  You can tell him how you feel loved and how you show love and that way, you can find out if you both are truly hitting each other's mark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2012

errrr there are times that i am just bursting with love adn want to spill it, but i refrain. i dont want to press him either ...again "if it aint broke dont fix it" . I did say to him this weekend : you know how I feel for you right? and he basically gave me that right back by saying: yeah, and i"ve know how i felt about you for a long time.

 

i think we are both walking on eggshells here in order to not scre each other away! of course i would rather him say it first, traditionally hes the man and he should haha, but in reality i dont want to tell him and make him think i'm pressing him for more, what we have  is spectacular !

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

In my opinion, if someone were to be scared away after 8 months together by you saying "I love you," then he's not the right person for you anyway. It sounds to me like you wouldn't scare him away, from how he replied. I would go ahead and say it at the opportune moment when you're gushing with love. It's just so pleasurable to say to one another, and if he's not an emotionally stunted person, or a person with great barriers built up, then he'll say it back. Then, you can get in the habit of the saying it every day and enjoying this part of the relationship. If he can't say it, it's important to know now what you're dealing with. In the worst case scenario, since he's never married, maybe he's incapable of a deep emotional connection. In the best scenario, you've been the woman he's been waiting for all his life and he'll be pleased that he can now be open to saying this to you, without freaking you out. Your feelings matter. It's not all about him. You want to say this to each other, so start doing it. Even if he's not used to it and doesn't respond in kind, keep saying it. Be true to yourself. Tell him you enjoy expressions of love like this. Let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001

Would you rather have someone, as you do, who makes you happy and shows he cares about you, or someone who professes his love but doesn't show it and makes you miserable??