Should I stay or should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Should I stay or should I go?
2
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:51pm

I've been involved in an exclusive relationship with a wonderful guy for the past 17 months. He is loving, caring, and takes care of most of my needs. My problem is I can't seem to get him to discuss where our relationship is going. Initially, HE talked about us getting married all the time, he even went so far as to ask me what type of ring would I want (we were about 5 months in at the time). Last year, we went on a romantic cruise to the Bahamas and a couple of older ladies asked us if we were honeymooing and he responded, "not yet". I took these as all good signs. Now, however, I seem to be losing ground.

At our 6 month mark, we had a major issue which almost resulted in our breaking up. He fought furiously for our relationship and so it continued. Now, I feel a bit of distance between us, but when I ask him if he wants to talk he declines. I feel in my heart that something is on his mind, but I can't force him to talk to me. Whenever I press the issue, he just shuts down. Normally we communicate brilliantly I just don't know what to make of this new development. I don't know what to do. Also, he NEVER tells me he loves me. He admitted that he does but he nevers says the three little words spontaneously.

Between his reluctance to tell my how he feels and the fact that I am in my late 20s and would like to get married, I'm not sure if I should stay or go. I am trying not to pressure him but not knowing where this is going is driving me nuts!

Any thoughts are appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 7:02pm

Hi,

I will give you my $.02. First of all, many men feel very uncomfortable saying those three little words, they would rather show you. Heck, I would rather be shown that I am loved than be told and have him treat me like he doesn't. That is one... Secondly, you don't know where this relationship is going and you have asked if he wants to talk about it and he has declined. If you are considering whether to stay or go, then you have nothing to lose by giving him a time frame where you want to be engaged or move on. Again, do this only if you are willing to accept his walking away because frankly many men do not take kindly to ultimatums. The only reason I am suggesting it is because as you stated you are in your late 20's and you want to be married. If this is not what he wants then you need to know up front so you can choose whether you want to invest any more time with him. I wish you luck. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:33pm
Well, it seems like whatever happened at the 6 month mark is preventing your relationship from moving foward. Is there something linked to that which would make him wonder if you love him still, or make him feel resentful because he feels like you are always critical of him, or something of that sort? I think you may have to reopen that and really work it out, especially if it is still apparently affecting your current relationship. I think it is ok to set a time period in your own head (not out loud; ultimatums are useless and obnoxious) during which you try to work things out to your liking. Otherwise, you may have to move on. Communication is huge in relationships, and if there is a barrier preventing you two from even communicating about what is wrong, you have to find a way to bring that out or else it's not worth it.