should I stay or should I go (long!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
should I stay or should I go (long!!)
3
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 8:20pm
I started dating this guy about 2 1/2 months ago. Everything was going great, or so I thought. We have had some ups and downs but overall things were going smoothly and I thought in the right direction. This guy is going away to visit his family overseas in two weeks and he will be gone for 2 months. I did not see him for about 3 weeks until last night. We have been talking but I was out of town for 1 week for work and he was been working overtime so our timing has not been good. During this time and before he has shown me a lot of affection. Always telling me that he is missing me and when we are together he makes me feel really special. We finally made plans to meet last night. I had left him a message asking him what time we will meet and I was a little annoyed since I had not heard from him all day. I left my phone number in this message (don't know why)

He calls me 10 min. later and tells me that he is on his way to pick me up. He had gone to the gym late and had fallen asleep. He lives about 50 minutes away from me. About 15 min. after I spoke with him, my phone rings but I did not recognize the number on the caller ID. It was a girl and she asked me if I know Mike (guy I am dating). I said yes. She asked me is he coming over to see you. I asked her who she was and why was she asking all these questions. She said that she is his girlfriend and they have been going out since October. She thought things were serious but she know sees that they are not. I asked her how she got my phone number but all she said was that she got it. She went on to ask me how often I see him and if I see him on the weekends. She asked if I slept with him. which I have. She said that she has been seeing my emails to him and she asked him about it and he said that he did not know who they were from. She also questioned him about his wereabouts some times and he said he was out with friends. I told her that I have only been seeing him for 2 months so I don't consider him my boyfriend so I wished her luck with him. She asked me to call her when he left my house that night. I told her that I will not be calling her back. She told me that she had called a mutual friend of hers and Mike's and had asked him if Mike was coming to see me. Mike got to my house and I questioned him about her. He said that she was just a friend. He did go out with her briefly but he does not consider her his girlfriend. They hung out with a group of friends and sometimes he hangs out with her but nothing happens. I asked him if he slept with her and he said one time. He said that she had access to his email and phone (didn't explain why). He was going to change his passwords. I told him that I don't want to be the second woman and he owes me to tell me whats going on. The story didn't change. He also said that she knew that he was coming over to see me tonight. He asked me if i was going to call her and I said no. We ended up going out and when we got back to my house we talked some more. While we were out this girl called my phone again but didn't leave a message. When we started talking again, he told me that he is going away for 2 months. When he comes back everything is going to change. He will be a different person. He is planning on moving closer to me and he will get a new phone number and only give it to a few, and that includes me. She will be out of his life. He said that this girl, they were going out but he found out that she was sleeping around and with one of his friends. For what I gathered, he was let down by her and this other friend. So, i let him spend the night with me. The next morning I told him that whatever happened yesterday (with this other girl) it really bothers me and he can't expect me to just forget. I am having my doubts. I told him to take time that he will be away and really think about what he wants. I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him and cared about him but I didn't want to get any more hurt. If he could be with just me, he can call me when he comes back from his trip but if not then we have nothing else. If he meant that she meant nothing to him, and he could just be with me thats fine. We can start fresh without any drama. He then hugged me really tight and he said to give him those 2 months and everything will change for the better. I am so confused. I don't know if I told him the right thing. I am hurting so bad right now, but I know that all i have to do is give him this time. Should I call him and make it completely over or should I just let go and see what happens in two months. He has called me today to see how I am doing. Should I believe him or her? Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:37pm
By your post this guy seems to be casually dating the both of you. He's slept with the other woman and he's slept with you. Do you know if there are other women? You say you don't consider him your bf, so why be so worked up over this? It appears that you are more emotionally invested than what you think. Give him the timetable he's asking for but be aware of his "promises" that all will be different. What can radically change in 2 months? I'd would go on with my life meeting new people and not waiting for someone who might re-appear but might not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 10:38pm
Yes, I am more emotionally involved with him than I should be. That bothers me that I let myself get so emotionally attached to him so soon. In regards to other women, unfortunately I don't know since I was under the impression that everything was well between us and I got the impression from him that I was the only one. Iwas in shock when I heard this other girl's comments the other night.

I tried to asked him what was going to change in 2 months but he just asked that I give him this time and everything will be different. He asked that I trust him and believe him.

I definately cannot trust him after all this and I am not expecting anything in return. But that is where I get confused. There are things that were said that just don't make sense. Like for example her calling a mutual friend to find out if he coming to see me. I saw that that she already knew about me but she is just being jelous. And if she is his girlfriend as she claimed to be, why she wanted me to call her back? To report to her what happened and be buddies with her? Everything is very strange and I am not sure if giving him the benefit of the doubt is what I should do.

But right now everything is beyond my control. I have to move on with my life and if something will happen when the time comes it will happen.

Thank you for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:26am
You should move on and forget this guy.

When this woman phoned you, I doubt that she was just some wack job with the intent to cause him trouble. She was worried about you and wanted you to know the truth. Even if you were only casually dating him, you did not know about any other girls, right? She might have known about you and therefore asked about whether he was going to see you. Either way, isn't it better to know he's a player?

I don't know what he's expecting to change in 2 months, but I wouldn't wait around to find out. Most people do not change their ways, so I wouldn't count on him not dating others while with you. Learn from this guy and find someone who wants ONLY you!

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