Should I talk to the "ex", or forget him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Should I talk to the "ex", or forget him
2
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:57pm
HELP ME!!

Here's the condensed version of the story.. I was in a relationship with a man for the past eight years.. we love each other very much, but I am 26, he is 33.. and when it comes to motivation in life.. ie career, school.. he is less than interested! :(

I tried to tell him that those things were important to me.. We were engaged for three of those eight years.. I came home one day .. and sat down to relax.. and BAM!.. I had an anxiety attack :(.. they came everyday for like 2 weeks, and finally i went to my doctor, had bloodwork done, and started seeing a counselor, and a psychiatrist.. They both agreed i should start taking Paxil, and work on taking care of myself.

I realized that I was not happy in my relationship, so i left, and moved back in with my parents.. That was in November.. He is still calling, and instant messaging every day .. telling me how he will change, how much he misses me, loves me, and can't move on.. can't live without me.. WHAT DO I DO!! ?? :( ..I really do care about him.. but i know that for me to do anything with my life, I cannot get back together with him.. Even worse, we have mutual friends, and I feel like i can't talk to anyone, becuase everything I say gets back to him :(.. please give me a clue as to where im going wrong, or went wrong.. I just dont know what to tell him.. or what to do anymore.. I know I need new friends, simply because he knows every damn thing that i do.. every date I have gone on. .which really was only one since November !.. Thank you for your input..

-K
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:07pm
Just tell him and your friends that you cannot be in a relationship (with him or anyone) right now b/c you're focusing on taking care of yourself and getting yourself emotionally healthy - which would be the truth. Tell him if he truly does love and care about you that he'll leave you alone and stop contacting you, so you can better focus on getting well.

Loving someone unfortunately not enough to make two people compatible. Even if you and he cared about one another, not having the same priorities, goals, wants and needs makes you incompatible, so you did the right thing by moving on. Missing the person after a breakup is normal, especially if he's been in your life for 8 years. But it's not a sign that you made a mistake in ending it.

There is a big difference between needing someone so bad you can't live or function without the person (unhealthy) and desiring to be with someone and hurting when that ends (healthy). A healthy relationship is based on a mutual desire and joy of being together -- not a need so desperate and deep that it overpowers your life in every area to the degree you cannot function when that need is unmet. Good luck in getting healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:27pm
The best thing you can do is force him to move on. Tell him you won't take his calls anymore and then don't. Block him on your IM so he can't get to you that way. Tell him to seek therapy to help move on with his life.

Photobucket