Should I tell him I've cheated??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Should I tell him I've cheated??
10
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:27pm

I have been dating a wonderful man for about six months. We get along great, and we are exclusive. One problem - he's asked me a couple times if I've ever cheated when I was married. I said no, but that was a lie. I had a one time fling shortly before my marriege ended years ago. I've been truly ashamed of the whole thing ever since - it is my one regret in life.

Anyway, I feel so bad for lying about this to my guy, but I'm so scared to lose him. However, I feel that if he ever found out from someone other than me (my ex, or when she's much older perhaps my daughter) he'd feel like a fool - and I love him way to much to let that happen to him...

What should I do???

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Sally

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 1:58am

Yes, you need to tell him. It's one thing not to say anything if he doesn't ask, but it's quite another to affirmatively lie. That's no way to start a relationship.

Come clean. Explain to him why you lied, the circumstances of your infidelity and how you came to realize what a mistake that was and how much you regret that (along with any steps you've taken to change your values since then, such as counseling). If he is unable to forgive you (either for lying or for having cheated), that's a risk you have to take, but it's better than continuing to allow him to be deceived. I truly believe that if you're right for each other, he will understand and forgive you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:53am

It's curious how he's asked you a few times about this... To me, anyone who continues to ask is looking for an answer they want to hear. And when they hear it, it's quite possible that he'll be gone.


My answer is not the most noble, but I don't believe you should tell him unless he will find out from someone else. People have a tendency of holding us to our pasts and judging us based on things that happened years ago. I used to be the type of person that would share all information, until I got burned a few too many times by being completely honest. You're between a rock and a hard place because if you do come clean, not only will you be a liar in his eyes, you'll also be a cheat.


If the possibility is real that he will find out from another, then you're going to have to do so. Are you still in contact with your ex? And does your daugther know?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 7:18am

Thank you both for your replies. I go back and forth between both ends of the spectrum myself.

To answer your questions, the only person who would ever say anything is my ex- but only in some sort of act of "revenge". My family knows, but we are very protective of each other. My daughter does not know - her father may tell her someday when she's older, though.

Thanks again - it's seeming to me like I need to tell him. The relationship will probably be over at that point...a sad, sad thought.




Edited 11/16/2005 7:34 am ET by sallyofthevalley
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:51am

My suggestion, no, no, no, no. I'm all for honesty but if the only person who know about this is your ex you might want to keep this one buried. People assume all sorts of things when one admits they have cheated, if it was only a one-time thing then you might want to play it down.

You can always say your ex is being a bit vindictive if he ever brings it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:11am
ITA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:15am
I think maybe he's heard through the grapevine or maybe she's not a convincing liar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:23am

That's great advice, because what happens if they get serious and then a year 1/2 down the line when they are engaged he finds out on his own, these things have a way of coming out even if only one other person knows about it. He'll consider their relationship an entire sham because of lies she told to him before they got serious.

Who wants to be with someone that can't be honest. She made a mistake, she had a fling, that is something she should own up to in her life, everyone makes mistakes, if he can't accept it that's fine, it's his choice, but a lot of people can overlook others mistakes and understand that people can change. But if you lie about it and try to hide it and they find out, you just proved your untrustworthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:28am

If it was only one time, and it had to do with the end of a marriage then she might be in a gray area, whether they were separated or not.

If only the husband knows then it shouldn't be all over town. If this is something that was common knowledge in the community then I'd say be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:41pm


Maybe this might go against some of the other opinions, but my advise would be to Not Tell. What good would it do? You would feel lighter since you got that off your chest, but what about Him? Will he be able to forget it? Do you want him to "get suspicious" everytime he feels things are not happening the "routine" way? Do you want him to get suspipicious everytime you introduce him to a male friend? Or got in touch with one of your male buddies in college? Believe me, you will face that consequence. Even the sanest guy might get suspicious if given this piece of information.

You accept it was a huge mistake, you have learned from it, and you have move on with life.You are not cheating him of "anything". Life is as MUCH you own individual journey too. You do not owe him every detail of your past life, including your personal mistakes and what you learned from it. Certain things are better left unsaid.

I wonder why he has asked you this question "several times"? Is he suspicious of something?

If he comes to know about it in the future, tell him it was a thing of the past, it was a mistake, and that you did not feel it necessary to re-hash all the negetive thought processes and endanger your relationship with unnecessary stuff. This happened when he was "not in the picture". If he is mature enough, he will let go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:16pm

Thanks to everyone who posted here. I am still not completely sure what to do, but you have all given very constructive advice.

I don't know why he asked me about this more than once. One thought I had was he himself might have cheated in his marriage...he says he didn't but well all know it may not be the truth.

Anyway, thanks again!!!

Sally