Should I walk away!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Should I walk away!
5
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 12:36pm

Ok so I meet this guy by chance at the Dr office. We hit it off talking. we went to lunch, talked on the phone a few times an thats it. Met him again a few weeks later and bam same senario. He said he though I wasnt interested because I turned him down on going out again. Actually, had previous commitments but he though I was brushing him off. Anyway,  we get along great. I honestly never had this type of communication with anyone exept my girlfriends. We talk about everything, I mean we never shut up, laughing, joking, teasing not to mention real conversations about problems and life. We have been actually seeing each other daily for over two weeks. We went to the beach for 3 days. In each others company 24/7. NOT A PROBLEM. Wierd. I am really liking this guy. Yes, we had sex while at the beach and WOW. Its like we have known each other forever. He even mentioned how wierd it all is we get along so well. OK its been about 2 and a half months since we started  dating and nbow I am starting to be logical. I dont wanna put class in it but I am a middle class, educated woman who has her own life and money and I dont need a man to take care of me BUT....... I find this guy to be on the lower end of the spectrum, bad family history, mother and brother in rehab or jail for crack. he as been in jail because of a domestic altercation when he found his wife in bed with another man, he literally hurt his back at work, surgery and a fusion and is a workers comp situation with pending disabilty case. I dont know.....I really like this guy. As I said we are like a yen and yang situation but his past, family and disability stuff scares me. So do I give this guy a chance or move on.

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-19-2013 - 4:20pm

Are you really going to blame this guy for being hurt at work & having to go on worker's comp?  You could certainly end up in the same kind of situation some day from work, a car accident, disease, etc.--I'd think about his skills/education level--are you intellectually compatible?  I'm actually a lawyer and my exH only graduated from high school & worked in the post office but I never felt that he was inferior to me--he read a lot of books and knew what was going on in the world and was interested in art & theater--he wasn't just a dumb guy who had no interests.  Now what bothered me was that he was not ambitious at all at work--he would talk about wishing he had graduated from college & had a better job but he never actually did anything about it--a lot of people go to college and get 2nd careers as adults.

As far as his criminal past, the domestic violence would make me nervous.  yes you could say that he snapped since he caught his ex in bed and you could see that would make many people upset but not everyone would beat up the man--you should be very careful and see what his temper is like.  The fact that his family uses drugs does not mean that he should be blamed for that if he doesn't in fact use drugs himself.  Is he close to his family?  What does he think of their problems?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 12:50am

Oh no I do not hold his injury and pending disability against him, just saying I dont want to get involved with someone who may turn out to be one of "those" people. I have worked as a nurse and a case manager many years and have seen the people who are trying their best to get on disability when they can actually still work. . But thats just part of the red flags, his past, which yes is understandable to snap after an 18 year marriage and find your wife in bed with someone. No, i have never seen him take pills but he has drank around me on a couple occassions not one, or two or even three but a 12 pack of beer in one nite. As for his family he says he doesnt want me around them because they will ask me for money and steal from me. He keeps in contact with them on a daily basis having conversations about crack money, blow jobs for crack, homeless shelters, jail. KInda scares me. Just saying and it might sound bad but I am no ones cash cow whos gonna work every day to support some man whos just gonna sit at home and play golf. Not to mention the family situation I didnt grow up with that its scary. He talks about his upbringing and it was in the hood and not so nice. I grew up in a Donna Reid Show house hold. Two differnet worlds

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 9:28am

You are in the honeymoon stage right now. What bothers you now will be amplified 10 times over when this period of newness disappears. His drinking that much in one night, would be enough of a dealbreaker for me. His speaking on the phone daily of ugliness like crack, etc. would sicken me. Picking a potential lifetime partner is one of the most important things you'll ever do. Your heart isn't matching your brain, so it means you're on the wrong track. I'd say it's time to bail. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 4:20pm

Are these the kind of people you would want for in-laws?  Not to mention that he's in contact w/ them all the time--so right now he doesnt' want you to meet them, but when you're more involved with him, you will also be involved in the daily drama, he'll be asked to be giving someone bail money or the police will come looking for some relative.  My ex had a brother who was a lot of trouble at one time--by the time I met this brother, he was pretty sick and not causing anyone trouble any more and he did have a charming personality.  But he had past years of drug & steroid abuse so my ex told me stories like the police coming to his house cause his brother had registered a car in my ex's name or collection people looking for him, etc.  so for many years they were estranged.  Who wants to be involved in that kind of situation when there are plenty of men from good families around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 5:10pm

I would also do some checking into his story about his incarceration.  It should be a matter of public record.  He may have told you his story, but the police MIGHT tell a different version of events.  I don't want to crucify the guy, but before getting too close to him you should have some idea what he does when he is angry.