Should Kick Myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Should Kick Myself
6
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 8:18pm

I entered into the dating world a year ago after ending a 12 year relationship. I used two online dating sites and met a few nice men, a few weirdos, etc. I clicked with someone after six months of online dating and we've been together for seven months. What's the problem? His divorce isn't final and he didn't tell me until a month ago, things just didn't add-up and I confronted him. I broke-up with him and since I'm writing this email we are back together.

He has filed I made him produce the papers, even spoke with his attorney, my trust level is shattered. He said the reason he lied was because he knew I wouldn't have gotten involved with him if I knew he was married, this is true. Their marriage has been over for years ... read her statements in the divorce papers too. They stayed together for their children and financial reasons the last 10 years.

My instincts were correct, I had a suspicion for weeks before I confronted him. My instincts now tell me that he is being honest with me, and I haven't caught him in any other lies or found any others - have to admit I took snooping to a level I never thought I would go.

I am in my 40s and so is he, we have so much in common, he is so good to me and we have so much fun together. I love him.

Am I being stupid for staying with someone who lied about something so major? You read all the time about rebound relationship after divorce, am I just setting myself up?

Never been involved with a married man or divorcing man, don't know what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 12:53am

Do what feels good to you, go with your gut instinc. Since he lied over a big issue for 5 months and only came clean after you confronted him I'd cross him off my list. I'd drop him like a hot potato.

A man who is married, who starts dating a woman and isn't honest about it cannot be trusted, in my book that is. He has all the baggage from that marriage. He hasn't come to terms with his failed marriage. He got involved with you even before filing. He has more issues behind his lieing.

Talking to his lawyer and reading his divorce papers doesn't seem like you trust him AND it doesn't look like the relationship is an equal once. You're assuming the "controling mother" role and that's the role you'll have if you keep dating him or marrying him.

If people aren't honest it's because they don't want to. If they don't want to be honest, noone can make them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 9:28am

toni206...

Pianoguy thinks the only way anybody (male or female) can be stupid is when they realize there's an "emotional flaw" in a partner...BUT IGNORE IT OR REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT?

This isn't true in your situation. You entered into the relationship with good, honest, trusting intentions. You were also in sync with the man enough to fall in love with him!

Unfortunately, your biggest issue NOW is whether you can forgive him and hope that he'll be honest with you from this day forward???

I'd probably have a 'hangup' about trust if I went through something similar to your situation. Only because it would be easy for a "trusted partner" to pull this sort of crap on me a 2nd (or 3rd) time? .

Then again...YOU might be more forgiving than I am?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 11:57am
Honesty and trust and the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. Without them there is no shot of success
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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 1:57pm

Well, if you value honesty and want to be in a relationship with someone you can trust, then yeah, getting back together with a liar is not a real good plan.

I would strongly recommend that you get and read "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward ASAP. At a minimum, you will need to go to couples counseling in order to get to a place where you can trust him again (and he will most likely need individual counseling as well--someone whose values would allow him to deceive you on such a HUGE, fundamental issue for extremely selfish reasons is not going to change overnight or without professional help, IMO).

And then on TOP of the huge issue of him being dishonest, you've got the fact that he's not yet divorced and he will be having to deal with the huge emotional ramifications of finalizing a divorce. Even if the marriage has been "over" for a while, there's still a grieving process to go through. I make it a rule not to date anyone whose divorce hasn't been *final* for at least a year because of the huge risk of getting involved with someone who is "walking wounded".

So that's a pretty big double whammy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 10:25pm
I appreciate the advice. I don't trust him, and love isn't enough. I too felt his dishonesty was completely selfish. I waited over a year to even start dating after I ended my previous relationship, I had a lot of issues to work through and didn't want to start another relationship before I was over the last one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:32am

This is a man who enjoys immediate gratification. Rather than waiting the necessary time to go through the divorce process and get things finalized, this man wanted a new girlfriend as soon as possible. He didn't mind lying to get where he needed to be. This says a great deal about his character.

What is he going to lie about next when things don't look like they are going his way?