Shy guy?

Avatar for caramello0213
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Shy guy?
13
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 9:55pm
Help! I need some insight! I met a man and we had instant chemistry and talked for about three hours straight - no awkward pauses. He's 38, I'm 30. We talked easily about life and work and similar interests. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He then walked me home and when we said goodbye it was kind of awkward because it felt like we were on a date and he was dropping me off because we had been talking for so long. We both went in for a hug and I don't know if he was trying to smooch me or what. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he said he'd call me. He hasn't called and I've run into him a few times since then, but we have only exchanged pleasentries - no conversations. He seems kind of shy...Anyway, do you think he is shy or just not interested or what??!! I'm finding the situation perplexing, and it's driving me nuts. It was so obvious we had chemistry. Any thoughts on the situation would be great and/or is there anything I should/shouldn't do.

Thanks in advance!

C Mello

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:38am
He's not shy - he talked to you for hours and got your number - he's just not 'that" into you or he is involved with /interested in someone else. It is the risk you take in putting yourself out there and it is a risk that is more than worth it - I would just move on and understand that a man in that situation who is sincerely interested in dating you would ask you out. I have had that situation several times - it's just part of dating/life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:33am
You are perplexed because you are projecting your feelings/emotions onto him. His actions indicate he did not feel what you felt, and your mind is telling you to ignore his actions. But his actions are what you should really be paying attention to - he hasn't called and he has bumped into you and not asked you out on a first date. His actions clearly indicate he is not interested.

There needs to be more than just chemistry. Maybe he is involved with someone else or just met someone else he hit it off with more. Who knows, and it doesn't matter. It's time to forget about him.

Photobucket

Avatar for caramello0213
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:49am
Thanks for the advice. I never thought of it that way...makes sense. Looks like it's time to stop over-thinking the situation and move on. I do admit though, that it's still weird, but I'm sure that feeling will pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:24pm
Hi - I have a similar problem. I met a man on vacation 65 to my 54. He noticed that I was traveling alone and invited me to join his party. His cousin (woman) and another (woman) friend. We all hit off. The last day one of the ladies talked about him to me. Leading me to believe he was on the shy side. When we got home I sent him pictures and e-mailed me back. I have stayed in touch with him for 5 months now and twice he mentioned about getting together in the Spring and he has also said to keep in touch. He doesn't live that far away and he drives. I had told him to if he needed anything to call me and also that whenever he wanted to get together is all right with me. So here we are in the spring and nothing. I don't even know if I should continue with e-mail because he can be very vague and sometimes not even answer me. He just came back from vacation; so I want to see if he is going to take the initiative. The e-mailing has been mostly me initiating them and he replying. He has great creditals, he teaches bridge and dances at these rec rooms (no bar)and also is a retired Speech Doctor. That's all I have to say.

You have done all you could plus he has your number. You did nothing wrong. Take care

Avatar for caramello0213
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:11pm
In my opinion, he seems to be avoiding committment. You're doing all the work and he's sitting back doing whatever he wants, when he wants. That's not cool! You've put yourself out there and made yourself available and it doesn't seem to be balancing out on his end. Perhaps it is time for you to say to him that this relationship (or lack there of) is not what you are interested at this point in your life. Try and define what you're looking for in yourself, in a man and in a relationship. That will help you clarify what you want and get it. It doesn't sound like you're looking for a half-baked email relationship with someone who isn't respectful or courteous of you. If you're looking for a man respectful and committed to you - I'm not sure he's up for it at this point in your life. You've given him five months of your life with nothing in return - maybe that's long enough. If it's meant to be, it will be!

I hope I offered something to at least think about. You know the situation better than anyone and you will make the best decision for you. You too have done nothing wrong; take ownership of the situation!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:26pm
Criminy! I can't believe how eager SOME people are to leap to the most negative assumptions!

Let me throw a few thoughts into the mix, just for variety.

First of all, I don't believe you mentioned how long it has been since you gave him your number.

He might be waiting (X)days to call. I can't believe some of the suggestions that guys give to other guys - you might be quite entertained by some of the posts at askmen.com. Apparently the guys have at least one set of crazy "rules" themselves.

Go on with your life. He calls when he calls. What's important is what happens after that. Is he a good person? Are you interested in him? Is he good to you? I think questions like this are much more important than how many days it takes him to call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:56am
Ooops... I was so indignant I neglected to address your question about him being shy.

While I can't get inside his head, I can tell you that he would probably appreciate a friendly and open response as you continue to run into him. Guys are people too, and often an indication from you that he's likely be successful if/when he takes the risk of asking you out will result in his taking action.

There is a least one woman on this board who very vocally takes the view that any reticence on a man's part is a clear sign that "he's not that into you", and also that anything other than boldness in a man means lack of spine/value/whatever. I encourage you not to view men that way! Men are people just as we are, and they are put in the position of putting it out there for us. If we make it easy for them to feel comfortable to ask us out, they happily do so. Even so, sometimes they have to work up the nerve, but that's ok.

If it takes him awhile, who knows what the reason is? Maybe his car is in the shop, maybe he has a buddy from college visiting from out of town. Could be anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:28am
Hi - thanks for your reply. I especially liked the expression "half-baked e-mails" because that's what they were. Except his last one was more like "a quarter baked". I guess I was trying to make nothing into something and he meant well but it's really starting to taper off and I know once I stop; he won't bother. For example; he took a cruise this past week and is due back sometime this week. Before he left I e-mailed him about what a good time etc. he would have. All he's been doing lately is hitting the reply button and just answers my questions; point blank that's it. I told him Bon voyage; Is this your first cruise? I asked him if he was packed yet? That he'll probably do lots of dancing and playing bridge which he likes. Do you know what his reply was? "thanks, no, yes, probably, likely." That's it... I was soo upset over that. That's when I told myself no more. How can you begin to have any kind of friendship like that? I know it's a slim chance but if he should happen to e-mail me first; I'm going to try and not e-mail him back. Why bother!! Is that being rude? What do you think?
Avatar for caramello0213
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: caramello0213
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:00pm
Thanks for both your responses! I feel like I had such a connection with this man, that it's hard for me to accept he's a rude, crude person that should be completely forgotten. And isn't chemistry important?! I think it is. How else would we know there's interest there?

Guys are people too, and I'm not a man-hater, I don't think all guys are dogs, evil, cheaters, etc. We're all individuals on this earth. I am a friendly person and will continue to exchange pleasentries, etc when I do run into him. It's inevitable that I run into this guy at least once a week. Not only do we frequent the same neighborhood pub, he lives a block away from me. If nothing else, we have the same interests, same type of future plans for travel, similar jobs, same hobbies, same view on life...that being friends with him would be great too.

I just wish I wasn't SO perplexed by him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: caramello0213
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 8:02pm
Some poster on this board said that

"any reticence on a man's part is a clear sign that "he's not that into you", and also that anything other than boldness in a man means lack of spine/value/whatever."

Really? that is a silly theory, I agree. I do believe that a man who is emotionally available, otherwise available and sincerely interested in a woman will ask her out on a date and make sure that he stays in regular touch - typically calling at least once a week to plan a date once a week. Typically, with some exceptions, a man who will not put in the effort to ask a woman out for a drink or a meal or a walk in the park is just not that into her and I for one don't waste my time on lukewarm interest from a man. I have never thought that asking someone out on a date was a bold move - I have done it - it wasn't bold - it just was initiating a date - and men who are sincerely interest will make the effort - it doesn't take much - to initiate asking the woman for a date.

Hey - so how is it going with that guy you decided to pursue? Well, I hope.

Pages