Sick of being alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sick of being alone
16
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 6:57pm

I've been a single mother for two years. Two long years... I have guys approach me, problem is... nothing seems to come out of these approaches. They're either married, complete idiots, or there's no chemistry.

Now I am waiting for two guys to call, and none calls. One is an old friend of my brother's that came to visit after years of not seeing each other. My brother went to talk on the phone and this guy and I ended talking alone on the porch. I was telling him about how my ex husband cheated on me and he said "Why would he do that, you're such a pretty girl" and things like "When you hang near my campus, alert me and I'll go with you". I was completely surprised cause I had never even had a conversation with him. But I said... "So here's my number so we can hang out one day"... Maybe he is waiting to call when we can hang out in the town he goes to college in, like we talked about. He starts classes there June 6.

The other guy is a guy that I met two years ago trying to solve the marital problems I had then. He is a court counselor. Since then I'd see him like 3 more times when I was at court. He always asked me how were things and everything and if I was already divorced.

Last Tuesday I was at court and he saw me and came and asked again how was everything. We couldn't talk much cause I was in a line and they called my name, so he asked for my number so we "could talk more relaxed later". It's Saturday and he hasn't called.

What's the matter? Can't some approach materialize in the companion I need? Both these guys seem great but none calls.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:17pm

I'm right there with you. I don't know what the problem is with the dating scene nowadays and it applies to both men and women. I think people like you and I are in the minority with just wanting a nice relationship with someone that would be great if it works out in the end or ok if it didn't. Ever since leaving my husband I seem to be on a steady spiral downward with nothing but jerks making advances. People tell me how pretty I am and that I have this great personality and I have to bite my lip from retorting "a lot of good it does me". I think my views on what dating should be are out of date now since it seems to me like a lot of people out there are just looking for sexual partners. A friend of mine at work once told me that I am an easy target - not because I am weak but because I'm not sure of who I am yet and it shows. I think a lot of that has to do with being married at one point.

But you know what? There are some great guys out there. It's unfortunate that we must wade through this lake of jerks to reach that shore, but I think it will only make me appreciate that good one even more when he does finally show up. I am so sick of being alone, too, and I often wonder just what it was that I did to deserve this. At the same time I admire the thicker skin I have grown since a year ago and am almost grateful for all the hurt I have endured because I have discovered strengths that I didn't even know I had in me. You will too and by the time that great guy suddenly shows up he will love you for the strong independent woman you can be.

I wouldn't rule either of those guys out. It could just be the timing in their lives. It would be kind of romantic if one of them suddenly called out of the blue, wouldn't it? But I wouldn't wait for them either. Keep going out and meeting new people. Life will plan the rest. And make sure you take the time to celebrate yourself, too. You are a single mother - never an easy task and you should be proud of yourself for what a great job I'm sure you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:54pm

I have no idea why men take numbers and then don't call. It could be that they are currently dating someone else or considering dating a number of other people and by taking your number they have a back up plan when the others don't work out. If they ever do call, I would be curious as to why it took so long. You could ask, but be ready to be amused with some trite answer. I'm the type that gets amused by asking men very basic questions and watching them screw it up, all with a straight face.

Unlike lonelycristenec, I dont' believe that I anyone should be grateful for any hurt that has come their way. It is a new way of thinking, but it is also an abusive way of thinking about yourself. Having a "thicker skin" is only developing a harder shell, not a different way of looking at things so that no one can manipulate you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:55pm

Like you and lonelychristinec, I too am looking for a guy that I "click" with and seem to be getting a lot of duds. However, I disagree somewhat w/ the reply from snafu2006 to your post: guys have all sorts of reasons why they don't call right away, and many of them are innocent.

One book that has helped me is part of the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus series; it's called Mars & Venus on a Date (written for single people). I'm reading it for a second time now that I'm out of a steady relationship. It reminded me that men and women think VERY differently, and the things we assume about their motives and behavior are often way off target.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason, even our mistakes. If you're like me, you may be very hard on yourself and have a hard time forgiving yourself when you make poor dating (or other) decisions. Be kind to yourself and decide each day that you won't allow your loneliness to make you lash out or shut down so that you will be open to the right one when he shows up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:53am
I only dated maybe one other guy before I met my husband. There were a couple of other guys as well, but no one I actually dated. So I met my husband when I was 21 and when we called it quits I was 27. The first couple of guys I dated afterwards were horrible, manipulative people but instead of just realizing that and moving on I literally fell apart, became suicidal, dropped a tremendous amount of weight and didn't work. I feel that in my life I hadn't been hurt enough, hadn't made enough mistakes in life as a whole so when something didn't go my way it was the end of the world. I truly believe that the more you are exposed to the fact that not everything does go your way the more the hurt will begin to bounce off of you and you'll be excited for the next person who comes into your life. I think the walls only go up when you become so afraid of getting hurt rather than just accepting it as a part of life. When I look back at the last guy I really lost it over which would be my Italian I often wonder just what it was that I was so upset about. He was a gorgeous guy and that's about all he had - he was terrible in bed, he really didn't have much of a personality, and he was so in love with himself that no one could possibly match or compete with it. The only thing I was upset about truly was that it was yet another one gone, another thing that didn't go my way, etc. Everything is a learning experience both good and bad but I personally learn more from the bad because I think the good leaves me in a cloud when it comes to relationships. So I may have developed thicker skin as a means of protecting my own heart but my door is always open, I am always full of hope, and if the next guy turns out to be a complete jerk like the others - what are you going to do, right? But if he is wonderful he will be worth the wait and the pain it took to find him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:22am

Wow, sorry to hear that you were treated so terribly by men...we all know your pain.

Please be careful with yourself and your heart. There is a difference between learning from mistakes and saying that it's okay to get hurt by people, because then I learn and grow strong. then you will not safeguard yourself or your life because you may believe that "it is meant to be" to have these horrible people involved in your life...when that is not true. You can learn without someone ripping your heart out. Eventually you'll see the early warning signs of someone who will not be careful with your heart and who will take you for granted and you will learn to leave that person early on. Some folks may say that you are too quick to leave and are demonstrating the signs of someone who is too afraid of hurt...not true...you are simply learning the ropes and taking care of yourself. Let them get abused instead of you. Women are too quick to accept this type of treatment because they need to "grow", but they can grow without endangering themselves.

"I truly believe that the more you are exposed to the fact that not everything does go your way the more the hurt will begin to bounce off of you and you'll be excited for the next person who comes into your life." -- I agree with you about the fact that if you are exposed to consequences from your actions...you will absorb that lesson and learn for the future and disappointments dont' mean suicide and falling apart. Rejection is a part of life.

"I think the walls only go up when you become so afraid of getting hurt rather than just accepting it as a part of life." --- I agree with you again. It is impossible to love without some hurt because eventually people make mistakes or there are misunderstandings or someone's heart moves on without you or your heart hurts because you hurt someone you love.

"The first couple of guys I dated afterwards were horrible, manipulative people but instead of just realizing that and moving on I literally fell apart." -- right, it is "them" not you and when we are young we try to make things work even if the person is a jerk. Wouldn't it have been nice for our mothers to warn us of this?

"I think the good leaves me in a cloud when it comes to relationships." --- interesting concept...can you elaborate?

"So I may have developed thicker skin as a means of protecting my own heart" -- but you have also admitted that you see things differently now...just my opinion, but rather than see you as developing thicker skin, what i see is that you can differentiate between someone's character and their impact on your life and the value of your life independent from him.

"But if he is wonderful he will be worth the wait and the pain it took to find him." -- that is very romantic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:38am

I read the original Mars & Venus book and I found it to be a waste of time. Everything is from Grey's perspective as opposed to reality and he does not factor culture changes into his sermon and how men and women are treating each other very very very differently than they ever have in history.

You have not possibly been exposed to this so please just keep an open mind. Men right now are into making women feel insecure. There is a men's movement going on (they didn't like what became of them because of the woman's movement) and it comprises men agreeing to somewhat psychologically abuse women so that they understand that we can't be so picky. There is a rise in anal sex right now that is contributing to a rise in AIDS and men are asking for more anal sex, which every person does know (I hope) is all about dominance. Men are becoming "fickle" like how women used to be and how women used to manipulate men with their fickleness. Men are making sure that we ASK for what we want and they do not try to anticipate what we would like as romance or even technique in bed (from what I hear and see, foreplay is all but gone now - men just want to shove their penises inside whether women are ready for sex or not). Men are making sure that they "ghost" and pull "jekyll and hydes" on women. Men are gaslighting women. Gaslighting is a particular type of mental abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if men are taking phone numbers knowing that they'll never call and then this way the woman is not as confident as she used to be so she'll be grateful for any old guy to throw her a crumb. I have seen too many women on the news and on tv getting beaten to pulp these days, set on fire, beaten for 10 hours straight so their faces need complete reconstruction, and so on.

Not every guy is going to be this way, but women need to see the world as changed and now a new shift in perspective is needed to survive what men did to this world. I would have never thought any of this if I wasn't exposed to this by countless stories by victims and I would have thought just like you about dating. People need to accept that things have changed out there and men have decided that in some cases love and honor are to be thrown out with the bath water.

By the way, Grey can't even get the female orgasm right. Men don't go into a "cave" either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:11pm

I happen to agree that some men are manipulative and want to use insecurity to try and control you. I experienced a relationship like that (it was mercifully brief), though I didn't realize it fully until after I ended it. The experience shed light on how a seemingly well-adjusted, successful woman like me could slowly be worn down to a dependent, self-doubting shell of her former self by a calculating man. (It didn't go that far, BTW.)

While I don't agree with everything Grey says, I find some of it enlightening. I am by no means a "traditional" woman looking for a traditional relationship. Still, I like to learn and take bits and pieces from different sources to help inform my perspective.

d_worldchanger

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:12am
"I experienced a relationship like that (it was mercifully brief), though I didn't realize it fully until after I ended it. The experience shed light on how a seemingly well-adjusted, successful woman like me could slowly be worn down to a dependent, self-doubting shell of her former self by a calculating man." -- isn't it amazing how one person can methodically unwind a person's self-esteem? You probably felt a huge relief after the break up and slowly came back around to your old self. Good thing it was brief.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 11:49am

snafu2006...and all the other ivillagers who have contributed to this thread so far:

Pianoguy respectfully DISAGREES with your theory that "men right now are into making women feel insecure!" Thanks to "political correctness" that's NOT ENTIRELY TRUE!

The problem many men have is that there's a fine line between complimenting a woman and whether she takes that compliment as it was intended...or considers our words a form of HARRASSMENT? Men see this happening at the workplace, the supermarket, the bus-stop, restaurants...YOU NAME IT!

So when the subject of dating is brought up because a woman isn't 'sporting a wedding band on her 3rd left finger'---we're not 100% sure if she's single or spoken for? And with all due respect...NOT EVERY WOMAN will admit that she has a boyfriend, husband, or S.O....

That leaves us with a 50/50 choice! We can either attempt to ask you out or completely ignore you? If we do the asking without committing ourselves to a specific date--YOU GET ANGRY WHEN WE DON'T CALL or choose not to do the 'follow-through!' If A MAN keeps his mouth shut and just smiles at a woman---our admiration is often perceived as "unwanted attention" by many ladies!

So which of the 2 SEXES really loses out here?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 5:32pm

"men right now are into making women feel insecure!" Thanks to "political correctness" that's NOT ENTIRELY TRUE!" --- I agree, that is why I said that not all guys are doing this to women. I apologize if I offended you, I didn't intend to.

"The problem many men have is that there's a fine line between complimenting a woman and whether she takes that compliment as it was intended...or considers our words a form of HARRASSMENT? Men see this happening at the workplace, the supermarket, the bus-stop, restaurants...YOU NAME IT!" -- it depends on what you are complimenting, how it is done and whether it is appropriate for the workplace or wherever: there is a difference between "you are pretty" and "nice gams".

"And with all due respect...NOT EVERY WOMAN will admit that she has a boyfriend, husband, or S.O...." -- I figured women were catching up in the disloyalty dept.

If A MAN keeps his mouth shut and just smiles at a woman---our admiration is often perceived as "unwanted attention" by many ladies! -- smiles are nice!

"So which of the 2 SEXES really loses out here?" -- if one of us loses, we both lose, IMO.

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