Signs he's not over his ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Signs he's not over his ex?
4
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:55pm

I have been dating a guy for about two months.  This guy has only been divorced for about 9 months and I TOLD him, when we first started dating, that this concerned me because I believe that it takes at least two years (give or take a little) to get your ducks back in a row after a divorce.  He assured me he's over his ex.  This guy's ex cheated on him and within the past month so she married the guy with whom she had an affair.  I didn't find this out from HIM but through a mutual friend.

The problem is, is that this guy I'm dating is still close to his ex in-laws and ex brother-in-law.  His family hangs out with his ex's family.  Since we've been dating I know that he loaned his ex brother-in-law a truck until he bought one of his own.  He meets his ex brother-in-law for drinks after work.  He has taken calls from the ex brother-in-law while we were out of town on a weekend trip.  He has contacted his ex in-laws, IN FRONT OF ME DURING A DATE, to see if they are ok due to severe weather.

Although I appreciate how caring this guy really is.....I just can't help but feel awkward and see this as a RED FLAG that he's not ready and just using me as filler.  What do I do?  Do I say something?  Do I just let it go because we don't have a big commitment?  Do I just blow it off?

Any help would be appreciated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 11:16am

The fact that he's close to his ex in-laws does not mean that he's not over his ex.  I have been divorced 16 yrs and actually got married & divorced to someone else but I still like my ex-inlaws.  some people will get divorced and want nothing to do with the ex's family but some feel that there is no reason not to keep being friendly to them--he divorced his DW not her family, so if he was friends w/ his ex BIL before, why should they not like each other now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2012
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 12:41pm

I agree with MusicLover. I've seen a lot of people maintain relationships with ex's families, and as you pointed out it's a recent divorce. If him and his ex-brother-in-law were close during the marriage - maybe he didn't want to lose a good friend just because his ex cheated.  It's bad enough having to go through divorce and heartbreak, but to cut ties with someone he considered a friend isn't something he should have to do. It'd be a lot to lose just because he married the wrong woman.

Would it have bothered you if it weren't his ex-brother-in-law that he was calling during trips and weekends away? Was he concerned about his own family during the severe weather (if applicable)?

I think you should start a discussion about it, but try to go in with an open mind on why he is continuing those relationships. You said yourself, that you had already decided it would take 2 years for him to get over his ex - maybe your fears are looking for problems. Of course it's always easier to try and be logical when seeing red-flags, but seldom works. Are you to the point where you know a lot of his close friends? If so, but you haven't met the brother-in-law, maybe during the conversation you could talk about that. Maybe seeing the two guys interact could show you why they're maintaining a relationship outside of her.

I think it's important that he's not hiding any of this from you. He's being open and honest about keeping ties with them, so hopefully he's open to conversations about your feelings. Figure out if/what you would need to be comfortable with his relationships, and talk with him. If he can't give you what you need, either try to be patient until he can or break things off.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 3:18pm

  Gosh I have ex's I still see and relate to.  

chaika

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 4:26pm

justme2011 wrote:
<div><span style="font-family:Calibri"><span style="font-family:Calibri"></span></span><p>I have been dating a guy for about two months.  This guy has only been divorced for about 9 months and I TOLD him, when we first started dating, that this concerned me because I believe that it takes at least two years (give or take a little) to get your ducks back in a row after a divorce.  He assured me he's over his ex.  This guy's ex cheated on him and within the past month so she married the guy with whom she had an affair.  I didn't find this out from HIM but through a mutual friend.</p><span style="font-family:Calibri"><span style="font-family:Calibri"></span></span><p>The problem is, is that this guy I'm dating is still close to his ex in-laws and ex brother-in-law.  His family hangs out with his ex's family.  Since we've been dating I know that he loaned his ex brother-in-law a truck until he bought one of his own.  He meets his ex brother-in-law for drinks after work.  He has taken calls from the ex brother-in-law while we were out of town on a weekend trip.  He has contacted his ex in-laws, IN FRONT OF ME DURING A DATE, to see if they are ok due to severe weather.</p><span style="font-family:Calibri"><span style="font-family:Calibri"></span></span><p>Although I appreciate how caring this guy really is.....I just can't help but feel awkward and see this as a RED FLAG that he's not ready and just using me as filler.  What do I do?  Do I say something?  Do I just let it go because we don't have a big commitment?  Do I just blow it off?</p><span style="font-family:Calibri"><span style="font-family:Calibri"></span></span><p>Any help would be appreciated!!!</p></div>

The sad fact of adulthood is that no one can pick another adult's friends; which means that if he feels friendship towards his in laws, then he's going to be a part of their lives for the forseeable future.