Sleeping arrangement situation
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Sleeping arrangement situation
| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:57pm |
In a few weeks my boyfriend will be spending a few days with me at my dad's friend's house at the shore. My parents and friends of my parents will also be there. The owner of the house, my dad's friend, sleeps downstairs in a bedroom, and there are 3 bedrooms upstairs that will be occupied by 1) my parents, 2) my parent's married friends, and 3) me. This is the way the bedrooms have been arranged for years on this weekend, and I haven't had a boyfriend come down to stay overnight in the past. I am 39, have been previously married, and my boyfriend is 37. We have been dating for about 5 months. My parents know him and like him very much. Here's the question. Would it be bold to assume that he can share a bedroom with me instead of having to sleep downstairs in the living room on an air mattress? I know my parents are assuming he will sleep in the living room, but I think that this is a little silly. He won't have any privacy in the living room, and some people will be getting up early in the morning before he may want to get up (the owner of the house gets up at 6:30 every morning). As mature adults, would it be wrong to just have him stay in my room without saying anything? I don't think I should have to ask my parent's permission at 39 years of age. For the record, my boyfriend and I have gone down by ourselves to stay at this house with just the owner present, and we shared a room then. But with my parents there, and their friends, I know it would be awkward. However, I feel bad that he will have to sleep in the living room for 3 or 4 nights! He says he doesn't mind. What do other people do in situations like this?

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It depends, are your parents extremely religious? Are they likely to say something?
No, you don't need your parent permission because this is not their house. However, I would have a discussion with them about what to expect. If they have strong feeling they should air them before the holiday begins, giving them a chance to accept the situation.
Now, I am an avid backpacker and don't mind sleeping in the woods. But I also have some very strong opinions when you are in a well appointed house or hotel suite when one adult is expected to sleep on a futon or the floor while the rest of the guests have beds and bathrooms. It seems very demeaning, and a good host would never allow that.
Also, this house is very casual and the whole atmosphere of the vacation is very laid back. People have slept on the floor in sleeping bags, cots, whatever, just so they could stay overnight. It just seems sort of ridiculous that a man has to sleep on the living room floor just because my mom is so worried about what her friends would think should he sleep in my room (especially at our age). But if that's her, I guess I should respect that, right? Or tell her how ridiculous she's being?
I do know people that have very old fashioined folks who are concerned with appearances and I think if I were you I would just tell them that you are a grown up and this is the way you are choosing to have things in the sleeping arrangements department for the weekend. You may want to acknowledge that you know this might upset them at first but that you also know that they remember the fact that you have already been married so the jig is kind of up in that regard. you are 39 and so it isnt as if you are straight out of college and they need to give you room to make your own decisions and back them up if and when it offends anyone in the house, including them.
Sometimes I truly believe the oldfashioned cycle needs to be broken. Otherwise what will your kids one day be dealing with with grandma? Or nieces and nephews for that matter? Times have changed and sometimes people need a loving nudge to just get their blush out and move on.
I think your response you just posted actually answered your question. Your parents are old fashioned and maybe naive and out of respect for them and "appearances" I would have your boyfriend sleep in another room.
F
Personally, I would ask my boyfriend to sleep in the living room, out of respect for my mother's feelings. You already suspect she would be horribly embarrassed if you and your boyfriend shared a room and a bed without being married. Why cause everyone this discomfort? Those are your PARENT's friends, after all.
Otherwise, just don't go on the weekend with them. You are grown folks, so if you and your boyfriend want to sleep together, you can make your own vacation plans together.
But that is just how I would handle the situation. Maybe you can talk to mom and dad and see what they think... before you decide if you're still going to the shore with them. They might surprise you.
Good luck.
I think that when you are staying at someone's house overnight, they decide the sleeping arrangements. You can't tell them where you are going to sleep.
when I go to my daughter's house, she points to the place I sleep, whether I like it or not, I sleep where she tells me.
It would be wise of you to allow your parents to chose where each person sleeps for the night.
I have not read the other responses yet. But whatever you do, my opinion is do not sleep in the same room together. It's definitely more decent that way, not only in front of your parents but in front of people you don't know very well. Five months is not very long either. Go with the presumption that yes, he will be downstairs (and a little inconvenience is part of it) but also stay flexible, and play it by ear. You never know what the consensus might be at point when everyone is settling in. Go with the flow at that time. If your BF says he doesn't have a problem, I think he is going with that presumption too, and I am sure he won't mind.
His sleeping elsewhere, according to me, is in best taste, given this situation.
And ofcourse, when you are there, make things more comfy for him, so he knows you really do care, and want him comfortable whereever he is.
If HE is more like a guest here, and you have been coming to this place for a long time, then I might even suggest that why not HE take up the bedroom, and you might go downstairs. You know what I mean? He wont agree to that, but he will appreciate that you thought of it.
If he is mature, he wont be making a big deal of this situation.
Good luck with this one. All I can say is when my previous bf and I went away with our kids (we each have 1) we stayed in 1 room and each of us slept with our own child b/c HIS MOTHER (who was not on the trip) said I would never be allowed at her house again if he and I shared a bed (he lives at home - long story)!!!! Can you guess why we aren't together anymore? BTW I am 33 and he is 31. I thought it was crazy b/c I would NEVER have had sex with him with the kids there, I just wanted to sleep next to him which we didn't get to do very often.
Now when went we went out of state for custody stuff for his child we were allowed to sleep in the same bed (his child was not there), but his mother was in the other bed!!! Too cheap to get two rooms - I will NEVER tolerate a situation like that again - not at this point in my life!!
Conversely, when we stayed at my aunt and uncles for a night, my aunt had two rooms made up, but said we could use one or both, whatever we wanted. We stayed together, but did not have sex out of respect for my aunt and uncle (no kids on this trip).
I would say that you should talk to your parents about it, but since you stayed there before and slept in the same room and the owner of the house was ok with it, then the precedent has already been set there. I would talk to your mom (and dad ?) and mention that the last time you two were there this is how things were and that you certainly will not behave inappropriately (having loud sex for all to hear), but that you would hate to see him throw his back out by sleeping on the floor and so you will be staying in the room together.
Besides why does sleeping together HAVE to mean "SLEEPING" together. Since my college days I have known people who slept in the same bed just to sleep, not to have sex - what if a female friend was going with you for the weekend, would your parents expect her to sleep on the floor in the living room? My parents are old-fashioned too, so I know it's hard, but you are 39 years old already!!
Though I understand the whole respect thing, this is your life, not your mother's. If you want to sleep with your boyfriend then do it. Personally I would have a hard time sleeping in another room especially if it was public when everyone else had their own quarters and I wouldn't ask someone else to do it.
It would be something different if you weren't comfortable with it and if you were under 30. But you're not. So I would talk to your mom and let her know while you respect her opinion, you'll have to agree to disagree in this situation.
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