sleeping too soon?
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sleeping too soon?
| Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:43pm |
Hi guys, I have a classic dating situation to share with you. I have been seeing this new guy for about 2 weeks now and I am starting to feel like we do nothing but have hot, passionate sex. I'm not saying that this is such a bad thing (because I also enjoy it quite a lot), but I'm afraid that a quick beginning will lead to quick finish.
I know that everybody and their mothers advise AGAINST sleeping together so soon, but we are like rabbits when we see each other. We have stimulating conversation when we're not going at it though, so it's clear that we both actually enjoy each other's company.
What can I do to slow it down and create a really meaningful relationship? Or is it too late? My friend says that once you go to the deep end, it's hard to emerge just holding hands.

I think, also, that you need to define for yourself what a "meaningful relationship" is. Is it a relationship without sex? Probably not. But it's clear that from what you write that you feel that something is missing or is not as "deep" as it should be for you - you need to figure out what would make you feel better about the situation and then just make it happen. Relationships have a life of their own. But you can drive that life and harness it if you want to - you just have to decide on a direction and go with it. Have you met his friends? His family? Has he met your friends? Do you act on your shared interests - do you make plans for both of you based on things you both enjoy? Go to concerts? Sounds like maybe you just need to start doing OTHER things in addition to...well...the stuff you're doing now... ;)
Good luck!
I am so filled with sadness that I don't know what to do. I am constantly on the brink of tears and I have trouble eating/sleeping.
I met this guy under not so ideal circumstances but I still gave it a shot and found that I liked him. A lot. We had so much heated passion that I was completely consumed with him and we were doing really well- until I started feeling antsy last Friday. Here goes...
On Friday, I call him to set up our next date (at this point I still hadn't made much initiative) but get his voicemail. I leave a message saying hi and asked if he wanted to hang out on Saturday.
No call back...I start my early stages of freaking out.
(Note: I have been hurt this way SO many times before that now I get ridiculously paranoid at the slightest HINT of a guy dumping me)
So Saturday morning I go out for a run....come back to take a shower and muster up courage to call him again. I get voicemail....again.
By then I'm hurt and pissed and confused....as psychotic as one can be.
So I go to lunch and as I'm about to bite into my lunch.....my phone rings.
It's Richard- (mind you, I'm eating so I don't pick up, I let it go to voicemail)
He leaves this msg:
"Cindy, this is Richard- I am SO sorry I didn't call you back yesterday. The day got away from me and I just never got a chance to call- I am SO sorry about that. My phone has been silent for most of today so I didn't hear you call the 2nd time. I have to work today so I won't be able to meet up but I'll call you tomorrow to catch up and see how it's all going."
Fast forward to Sunday (when he was supposed to call)....no phone call.
So later that night I call him...and get voicemail AGAIN.
I had already been hysterical all day but by then I had somewhat calmed down....so I leave a short msg saying hi and to call me back because I want to talk to him.....
And guys, now I feel at my miserable best. Looking back and reading this, freaking out was NOT the best thing to do when things were going relatively well (I think I instigated HIM to freak out in response). Now I don't know what to do...I feel so sad that my heart aches and I want to talk to him really badly but he's not calling me back. If things are going to end now because of this stupid situation, I want to talk to him before I am okay with putting it to rest. Should I even bother guys? What do you think? Should things be better left unsaid?
I know that I need to work on bettering myself before I open up again to someone else. Each time this happens I close myself off more and it makes me more and more distrustful of men. This is something that I probably need to go to therapy for. I just don't know how to get rid of this deep distrust.
Thanks for listening all- what should I do?
First of all, take a DEEP breath. In fact, take several. This is NOT the end of the world. It SUCKS, and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but please, keep in mind (way in the back of your mind, if you have to) the "bigger picture."
Here's my 2 cents. Things may not be ultimately better left unsaid. But they might be better left unsaid...for right now. Give him some space. It appears from what you've written, that he may be feeling smothered, or in "relationship-freak-out-mode" -- for whatever reason. Calling him and continuing to leave messages will surely send him running in the other direction. The first sign of "psycho" is a strong repellant -- and guys have a very loose definition of "psycho" so be careful. He's distanced himself from you and you don't know why -- it's confusing and frustrating and you feel powerless. Get your power back.
I think it's time you took some time back for YOU. Be the bigger person and back off. You're not condoning his behavior by doing this (which, in my opinion, is cowardly and immature), but rather, the message is, "Look, I don't have time for this. Life is too short for me to waste my time on someone who refuses to communicate with me. I'm not going to chase you -- I have too much self-respect for that. You know how I feel. You know that I want and deserve an explanation. Ball's in your court." He knows he's not doing right by you, judging from his "SO" sorries in his voicemail. Let him sit with that for a while. You don't have the power to make him do or feel something just because that's what you want. But you DO have the power to take control of the situation in a way that will make you feel better about yourself. YOU decide not to talk to him until he's ready. YOU decide to not let him manipulate you this way.
And, rest assured -- his freak-out has NOTHING to do with you (or your freak-out). Like I said, it's pretty clear that he was well on his way to freak-out-land before you even got wind of it -- this is HIS deal, not yours. Wanting to talk to him is totally valid -- it's a timing issue now. You're not likely to get the results you want if you have to run after him to get him to sit down and talk with you before he's ready. But you don't have to wait around for him either, unless you want to. Unfortunatley though, that's just it -- you do have to wait, if you want to have a productive conversation with him. You can't rush him or you'll be rushing him right out the door.
I know all about that "wall of distrust". I've built a pretty impenetrable protective wall around myself over the years, after going through similar experiences, so I can absolutely empathize (and I'm considering therapy too!). But I also learned a lot about myself, here behind this wall. And you know the most important thing I learned? That I'm ok! You're right -- you do need to work on bettering yourself. But in the sense of LIKING yourself. You're just fine the way you are! You just need to believe and accept that. Once YOU do, then everyone else will follow suit. And the only reason I feel like I can say these things is because I've been through similar challenges. Learning to enjoy your own company and being comfortable in your own skin will do WONDERS for your love-life. Mine is not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination! But I feel stronger and more prepared to handle things that might come my way in a more constructive way, emotionally and mentally.
This guy is erroding away at your self-esteem and self-worth. Don't let him do that to you. He hasn't any right to do this. Re-set the precedent. You seem like a genuinely nice person - don't let him take that away from you. I do hope he gets smart and comes clean. Good luck and, if you want, keep me informed!
~Amanda
Deep down I know that the hurt is temporary and that one of these coming days, I am going to wake up to my usual rosy world. And it is a beautiful one. And every time this happens to me, I will only get stronger.
Thanks again, I will save your messages to read and re-read as part of my healing process...I hope to keep in touch with all of you as you have been so kind to me-