slow or just a tease?
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| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 3:49am |
my "friend" is starting to frustrate me! we met 2 months ago and definitely have an amazing connection. we spend a lot of time laughing and talking together and have a great rapport.
we have had the "where are we going talk" about 2 weeks ago when he said he really enjoys my company and definitely feels there is a connection between us but as he has not been in a relationship for 2 years he wants to take it slow with me and get to know me better and time will tell if we're meant to be together romantically or just friends....
but now how long does it take to get to know someone? I want to be someone special in his life, not just one of the "boys". I want to be taken out on dates and called at least a couple of days before and actually asked out.
Although I feel that he is "just not THAT into me", the strange thing is that he always calls when he says he will and follows up on his promises to include me in his weekend plans, however I still feel that I'm not special to him. I feel that I'm not a priority in his life, but do have some influence. when we go out he does little things to make me think he wants to take things further than friends (like rubbing my back when we hug and putting his leg against mine under the dinner table), but then no proper kiss at the end of the night!
I'm not sure if he's teasing me to keep me interested, or if he really is just slow and has every intention of taking it to the next level in time.
I should perhaps add here that he is 34 years old and a virgin. He doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so no sowing of wild oats here! He doesn't necessarily want to marry a virgin. I am 32, and am keen to settle down and have kids sometime in the near future and don't really want to waste anymore time with someone who doesn't know what he wants!

faraway girl...
PG thinks you're falling into the trap many women fall into....YOU'RE RUSHING THE DATING PROCESS TOO QUICKLY! Here's why?
A 34-year old man with no prior commitment to ANY WOMAN isn't going to suddenly change the routine he has been going through? There might be some sort of a sexual apprehension (or perhaps something he's aware of with his body that you aren't), but it sounds like HE WANTS YOU AS A VERY GOOD AND CLOSE FRIEND....and THAT'S IT!
Obviously...you're looking for more than friendship? So you're probably going to have to seek someone with desires similar to yours? But PLEASE....give any future friendship(s) time to develop! Expecting a life commitment from anybody after only 2 months of dating is FOOLISH!
Many of us (males) don't want to make one....or just AREN'T ready!
Pianoguy
hi PG
thanks for your reply. I don't believe I am asking this man for a life commitment at this stage... all I'm asking for is some specialness from him. It would be nice to be called up a few days before the weekend to ask me to join him (and even his friends - I don't necessarily need to see him alone all the time). Im not crazy about being the lastminute.com girl, but I enjoy being with him so much I try to be as flexible as possible to be able to see him.
I've made the decision anyway to leave the ball in his court to step up his game, and only time will tell if he really is interested in me as a real girlfriend...
I read your comment about him wanting me as a close friend, which is fine - however I can't see myself purposely touching my friends legs and leaving them there or giving my friend about 10 kisses on the lips when saying goodbye... but perhaps your friends are more touchy feely than mine... :-)
Hello again, farawaygirl...
PG understands the "touchy, feely thing" quite well.
There's often a lady or two who might get "caught up in my music" and express herself...err...'a little more openly' than what I'd normally expect? But on a personal level, I'd want my feelings for someone special to be reciprocated.
Besides...if both halves of a couple are on "different playing fields"...you really don't have a game, do you?
I think your decision to "put the ball in his court" is VERY SMART!
Pianoguy
This is such a perfect situation...I'm having difficulty understanding why you are worried. You can still see other people if you aren't in a committed relationship with him, maybe people who are moving along more at your pace...and in the meantime get to know this guy really well.
This way, if it turns out he really just wants to be friends, you are working on other relationships...and if it turns out he wants more, you will still be in touch with him. If you are the one he wants to commit to, he will certainly let you know somehow, virgin or not, if you start looking for relationships elsewhere.
Alternatively, you can ask him where it's going, but at this early stage, I think it's a bit premature and probably how he feels right now might be very different six months or a year from now. Worse, he may feel pressured by your questioning...I would, and I'm a chick!!
thanks for your reply.. I agree with you 100% and know I need to be more easy going with this and believe me I am trying very hard. My problem is that I analyze just about everything to death and this is a very time consuming and tiring occupation :-)
So, for eg. My "friend" will say "I hope to get invited to your holiday house one day" after I've told him about our house by the sea. Now I will go away and sit and think about if he is being serious, when will it be a good time to invite him, should we go alone or with my family or with friends.... You can understand why I am constantly mentally exhausted!!
I must say though it has been an interesting week for me so far... I decided to treat this whole situation as casually as possible and so far he has called me 3 times in 2 days just to say "hi" I think he feels the pressure has been lifted off him a bit and it has encouraged him to make a better effort. Now I'm waiting to be asked out on a real date, and the way I'm feeling now I think it's soon coming... But I'm keeping calm about it and trying to not think about it too much...
that he's a virgin at his age makes it seem pretty clear he takes physical intimacy very seriously. And all other kinds of intimacy. You just had the talk two weeks ago and he is considerate and caring so perhaps you're a tad impatient.
It could be that when he says he wants to take it slowly, he means it.
You, on the other hand, are ready and willing to commence a real relationship.
By him touching you, he is showing you that he is interested. He' is not quite ready to commit until he gets to know you better.
Take him at his speed, have fun just being together and getting to know each other. Sex can wait for the proper time. When it does come, you will appreciate it more. good luck
Wow! thank you so much everyone for your replies and advice. I really appreciate your responses!!
he has just called me now and we chatted for a while. He asked me if I was going away for the whole weekend and I said "no only tonight - I will be back tomorrow." I could hear he wanted to say something, but ummed and ahhed for ages until I said "so are we going to see you this weekend?" He jumped at this and said "YES, call me tomorrow when you get back." So I replied "you make me laugh." To which he said "in a good way or a bad way?" to which I replied (with a smile in my voice) "in a good way."
I can't wait to see him again... I just would love him to take the bull by the horns sometimes... I worry that if I hadn't had asked him if I was going to see him this weekend he would have let the whole weekend go without seeing me. I tend to think he would have called me tomorrow anyway, but I can't be sure.
The more I get to know him the more I realise that you are correct... I think because he is a virgin he struggles with intimacy, and would rather keep people at arm's length than get into a situation that he would find difficult to get out of. But I know the connection we have and even though he might try to convince himself that it's not there - we both know it is and the sooner he realises this, the sooner he will be able to relax a bit and enjoy the feeling :-)