so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
so confused!
14
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:43am
Were to begin. This is kind of long but I will try to make as short as possible. I met my boyfriend about 10 months ago, he is 30 I am 28. We hit it off great. We live in different cities and he would always come and see me, well six months after we met he asked me to move in with him. So I went and got a job and moved. By the way we are both divorced over 2 years. Well I found this dating website on my computer, which I thought was funny, so I searched to see if he was on it. Well he was, his profile said he was single and looking for sex. His profile said he started the account around a week after I moved in with him. Well I confronted him, he didn't think it was a big deal, just for fun. I should also mention he moved here from across the country right before we met, so he doesn't know anyone. Well this gave me a lot of trust issues. He said he was very sorry and nothing was meant by it and that he loves me. Well I let it go, but being a woman I check the website again, he changed his profile a little and listed it in another town. So I set up an account under a different name to see if he would take the bait. He did, but he didn't try hooking up with me. Just a little chat and that was that. Well I never told him it was me but I did confront him again and he denied it. A day later he said he was sorry and that his profile was still up and he took it down. I checked and he did. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, he is a big flirt and he knows I don't like that so he did it to still flirt and not hurt me. I know this is very wrong but, I ended up checking his email and found he has been emailing some woman. Nothing big it seems like an old friend, but he never said anything about her. I do know that they were trying to see each other before she left town, and plan to visit when she gets back. Well anyway we broke up last week, he said he needs some space to figure out his life. He ended up emailing the next day asking if we could talk, so I agreed and we got back together. Well I now find out he is under another dating website looking for sex. I have not confronted him, I think I am going to set up an account. I almost broke it off with him last night because I told him I have major trust issues with him and that I didn't think I was the girl for him. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me and that he is very sorry for everything that has happened. Well anyway he is a great guy but I don't know if he is doing this to just chat online because he has no close friends around or to really cheat, I am almost always with him to, so is it an escape? I should also mention he is more sexually experienced than I am, but we do have a great sex life and we are working on our communication. By the way he is a very confindent person no low self esteem or anything like that. What do I do. Stick it out and see what happens or leave. We have come along way in the last few days talking about our problems, but this new website is really bothering me like it would with anyone else. If I didn't know about all this stuff we would have a great relationship, so I don't know what to do.


Edited 3/17/2004 12:48 pm ET ET by browneyes993

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Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:59am
Well hes not a great guy. Hes lying, dishonest and incapable of being true to his word. Why would you "wait to see what happens"?? Havent you "seen " enough?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:07pm
He would do anything for me. I have also tried to break it off with him several times, over his stupid actions, but we end up talking about it and he does make the effort to change. He also tells me how much I mean to him and I believe him. I found a love letter he wrote to me when I was going to leave him over the first website but he never gave it to me, I figure because we stayed together. I know I sound very stupid, but he is a very passionate person and means well.

I guess I also figure we have had many chances to break up he could of been free and clear of me but he doesn't seem to want that. He also took the first step in getting back together with me when we did break up.


Edited 3/17/2004 1:10 pm ET ET by browneyes993

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:09pm

You have GOT to be kidding me!

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:12pm
You say "He would do anything for me"...Yes...anything except treat you with the honesty and respect that you so obviously dont feel you deserve.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:19pm

(You were posting your response to BG while I was posting to you, so I wanted to add to my response.)


That's not enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:26pm
I would break up with him yesterday - you are making way too many excuses for him - meeting friends by posting on a dating web site? Oh, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:27pm
No, he will not do anything for you - he will not stop looking for sex or cybersex on a dating site while he is supposed to be exclusive with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 12:45pm
I had almost the same issue. My ex bf of a year and a half was e-mailing this girl he had met during the Summer before he met me. She's a foreigner and they slept together for one night I believe, but they stayed in touch. I found out one day during the middle of our relationship while I was sick and staying at his place while he was at work. Anyway, ever since then I had trust issues with him and will always be eventhough we're not a couple. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! Him missing her and wanting her again. C'mon.. This is just someone he slept with once. This girl has a boyfriend too!How ridiculous is that. I confronted him about it and he told me that he would never do it again in which I'm not sure if he did or not because I was too afraid to find out more. Well, we broke up for a different reason but I'd have to tell you that the feeling of him flirting will always stay with you. It'll never go away. I had to deal with that and him keeping in touch with his ex-wife for the most part of the year with him. Right now, we're apart and I do honestly miss him but I feel relieved right now that I don't need to be stressed anymore. I'll find someone better to share my life with. I just want to say that it's hard right now and it'll be harder later. Follow your heart..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:53pm
You don't trust him, and you shouldn't. If you do get back together with him, you are constantly going to be searching the dating sites, checking to see if he posted under a different username/different site, etc. and snooping through his email. What kind of a relationship is that? Move on and find someone who you can trust and who will treat you with respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:22pm
Browneyes,

You need to walk out on this loser. Pronto. Of course he tries to talk his way out of things every time YOU attempt to break up. He has the best of both worlds. A nice woman at home taking care of his needs and the freedom to pursue other booty on the side. He obviously wants the benefits of an exclusive relationship without the responsiblity.

For the sake of your physical and emotional well being you have to ask yourself "is this relationship worth having if I can't trust him?". Do you really want to have knots in your stomach wondering if he is where he says he is? Sure, walking out on him is going to hurt for a while, but in time you have more inner peace than you do now. Finding yourself suddenly single sucks, but in the long run it will be far better than being with a man you can't trust.

Love yourself,

Miss Fabulous

www.askmissfabulous.com

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