so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
so confused!
14
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:43am
Were to begin. This is kind of long but I will try to make as short as possible. I met my boyfriend about 10 months ago, he is 30 I am 28. We hit it off great. We live in different cities and he would always come and see me, well six months after we met he asked me to move in with him. So I went and got a job and moved. By the way we are both divorced over 2 years. Well I found this dating website on my computer, which I thought was funny, so I searched to see if he was on it. Well he was, his profile said he was single and looking for sex. His profile said he started the account around a week after I moved in with him. Well I confronted him, he didn't think it was a big deal, just for fun. I should also mention he moved here from across the country right before we met, so he doesn't know anyone. Well this gave me a lot of trust issues. He said he was very sorry and nothing was meant by it and that he loves me. Well I let it go, but being a woman I check the website again, he changed his profile a little and listed it in another town. So I set up an account under a different name to see if he would take the bait. He did, but he didn't try hooking up with me. Just a little chat and that was that. Well I never told him it was me but I did confront him again and he denied it. A day later he said he was sorry and that his profile was still up and he took it down. I checked and he did. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, he is a big flirt and he knows I don't like that so he did it to still flirt and not hurt me. I know this is very wrong but, I ended up checking his email and found he has been emailing some woman. Nothing big it seems like an old friend, but he never said anything about her. I do know that they were trying to see each other before she left town, and plan to visit when she gets back. Well anyway we broke up last week, he said he needs some space to figure out his life. He ended up emailing the next day asking if we could talk, so I agreed and we got back together. Well I now find out he is under another dating website looking for sex. I have not confronted him, I think I am going to set up an account. I almost broke it off with him last night because I told him I have major trust issues with him and that I didn't think I was the girl for him. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me and that he is very sorry for everything that has happened. Well anyway he is a great guy but I don't know if he is doing this to just chat online because he has no close friends around or to really cheat, I am almost always with him to, so is it an escape? I should also mention he is more sexually experienced than I am, but we do have a great sex life and we are working on our communication. By the way he is a very confindent person no low self esteem or anything like that. What do I do. Stick it out and see what happens or leave. We have come along way in the last few days talking about our problems, but this new website is really bothering me like it would with anyone else. If I didn't know about all this stuff we would have a great relationship, so I don't know what to do.


Edited 3/17/2004 12:48 pm ET ET by browneyes993

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:46pm
Let me get this straight, you uprooted your life to move in with this guy and he has an online ad out there soliciting women for sex? But, he's a "great guy"? Sounds to me like a bad case of denial on your part, to put it lightly.

A little flirtation is one thing, but he is ADVERTISING himself as a sex toy. Do you not see how those two things are not the same?

I know you went to all of the trouble to move in with him and give this your best shot, but obviously he is not giving it his. Cut your losses and kick this loser to the curb. You have much more to gain by doing that than hanging around to see how many other ways he can find to screw you over.

I really do wish you the best. I know it sucks to find out that someone you care about isn't worth the time you've invested.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:35am
Thank you everyone for posting. We talked again last night and I found out he is really scared of being hurt again. His ex-wife did a number on him. Although this isn't an excuse I do somewhat understand, my ex wasn't the greatest. I am going to give it a month and see if things get better, so far they have, but it has only been a week. If things stay the same he can go to hell, and he knows this. Every relationship has its ups and downs. All this stuff started when we moved in together, so I think it is a scared of comitment issue. He loved and was commited to his ex-wife and she really hurt him. In the last week our communication with each other has been thrown wide open, which is a great thing. I will keep everyone posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:16am
What specifically is he going to do to address his issues? Has he gone to therapy to deal with the issues he has with his ex? I personally would want to see some sort of effort on his part - beyond just "I'll try."

I don't know, it just sounds like a lame excuse to me. Everyone has been hurt, that is no excuse to seek outside partners. If I were you, I'd keep my eyes wide open and use protection when you sleep together, just to be safe. Be careful.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:31am

Oh, sweetie, you are in for a long, unhappy road if you're actually buying that as an excuse!


Emotionally mature, healthy

Pages