SO CONFUSED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
SO CONFUSED!
25
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:33pm

Hello All,I posted this somewhere else but i need your help!!!!

Well I am here just like everyone else, looking for some insight on what I should do or even think....

I met this guy about 8 years ago, we became very very close, we had a very deep connection from day one. We ended up dating but then i moved and we decided to let it go because of the distance (I moved to California for school). During that time we both started seeing other people, he then called me telling me that he had broken up with his gf and he wanted to give us a try. i was already involved and I didn't know how serious he was so I told him i could't. That was the last time i heard from him. Anyway, years passed and in 2006, after i got married, divorced and had a little girl as a result, i decided to look for him because in reality i always thought about him. When i wrote to him he called me the same day and we talked everyday after that for 4-5 hours. he told me that he had broken up with the same girl but for good..they were together for 5 years. He also said that they just gave up and that he broke it off. Did i mention that he lives in NYC and I live in Maryland? Ok, well about a month later we decided to see eachother again, we hada good time and then he decided to come visit me as well a few weeks later. We messed around but nothing major happened, mainly because he thought it was too soon (yeah, that's what i said..lol) After that he was convinced that he wanted to move to Maryland and he wanted to make things work with me if he moved, he applied for some jobs here and is excited about it. the whole time that we've been talking i've been sort of his backbone, i've been a great freind and helping him become more stable emotionally. He thanks me everyday that goes by, he even told me he really liked me. Tells me i'm a great person and even mentions little things about having kids (something he didn't want from his ex).

Well this is where it gets funny...a few weeks ago he tells me that his ex has been texting him and telling him she misses him. He right away told me i had nothing to worry about. I believed him and let it go. With the holidays coming around, i told him i was going to Boston to spend time with my family, but for New year's we can hang out. Xmas came, everything was normal..he had told me that his parents wanted him to go to see their new house in the caribbean for New year's...didn't even mention anything about us spending time together, anyway..a few days before he left i noticed that he wasn't calling me like he used to. I would call and he talked to me for hours still but yet he just wasn't as much into calling me. Of course by this time i had told him that i was afraid of getting hurt. I know he was leaving this last friday for 10 days. I stopped hearing from him 2 days prior. He never called, never said anything. i called, text, emailed and nothing, NOTHING!!! no response whatsoever...New year's came and not a word form him.

Can any of you please tell me what you think???? I really don't know what to think anymore. Just give it to me straight!!! I just need some advice because he really upset me and he knows how much i care about him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 6:36pm

You got "ghosted" (so they say) - that sucks.

Obviously something went awry. The only way you'll know is if he tells you. For abandoning you after you were so kind to him I wouldn't even call to see what happened. If he contacts you then if you want to listen to what he has to say, then listen.

Some guys like to see if the girl they are with will "fight" for them. It seems to be going around alot these days. My motto is never compete, he'll never respect you ever again, but he'll enjoy the cat fight. It could any of the many head games that women experience in dating or it could just be he is inconsiderate and got back involved with the other girl when he said it was over and doesn't have the courage to face you with the truth.

Is he still moving to Maryland?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 12:09am
My guess is that he is not totally over his ex HON!!!! I have a had a similar experience and he disappeared...the calling of the COMFY AND CONFORTABLE can be deadly....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:34pm

I am sorry you are going through this, but I think Snafu is correct, he ghosted. My advice would be to treat this as a break up and start moving on. You may never know what happened and it will drive you crazy trying to figure it out. Work on getting closure for yourself and letting go of him. Do not call or text or email him anymore, you have firmly put the ball in his court and he is not hitting it back over the net so there is no game here.

Hugs and best of luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:52pm
Thanx for your replies..I am afraid that I did get ghosted like you guys said...I will find out for sure when he gets back from his "vacation" this coming Sunday. If he still hasn't called or emailed then yes I will definitely say he did me dirty. I am moving on and I really don't feel so bad anymore. The thing is that I am just going by assumptions here and no im not saying he didn't ghost on me but I reacted with anger on the email because after all he had no reason to treat me that way. It will be in his conciense when it's all said and done. As far as I know he still wanted to move to Maryland, even the last time we spoke he said that was the only thing he wanted was to move here. So as you can see all of this left me speechless. I am not contacting him again, it's his loss and in the email I did tell him that he made a big mistake and not to expect me to be around when things go wrong again because I won't be there. And by the way...that supid song by Hinder gets on my nerves!!! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:20pm
The reason I asked about him moving to Maryland is that when the time is right, if he still is moving, is when you will hear from him. If he is a rotten guy, he'll all of a sudden need your help in making the move smooth. Playing on your sympathies and the need some women have who "need to be needed". If he is rotten, the best way you can help him is by mailing him a map and saying "see ya"! When he comes back from his vacation he may be mr. smooth and mr. charming and he'll need you to help him unpack, get directions, he may need a driving buddy, etc. He'll use you if he can. But wait to see how he behaves when he comes back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:52pm
Hey you just might be right! The only thing is that I was the main reason why he was moving here to Maryland so I might not hear from him at all. The job that he really wants is here so if he gets it chances are that he will regret what he did and try to make amends but of course I'm not that dumb. If he hasn't tried to fix it by now then he's not worth it. I'm also glad he didn't get any!! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:42am
And I may not be right, but just keep your eyes and ears open because he behavior is rather puzzling and contradictory to what he has told you. Good for you for going slow with him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:38pm
Well as it turns out I found what why he's been acting that way. I text him apologizing for being mean. Yes, I was a little too demanding because of the Holidays and he was very busy with work so I freaked out and assumed a lot of things that I shouldn't have. Well the next morning, right when i woke up for work he text me back (FINALLY!!) He said that he was really busy with work and that the things i said were inappropiate and rather insulting (don't ask!), he also said that this is 1 reason why he is not with his ex and I don't need this!...So just like that is what he told me. Me and him were not exclusive (yet) so I pushed a little too hard. I told him that I was sorry. (Of course I didn't want to go on the defensive at that time on a text, so I just said Im sorry and he has every reason to be upset). Haven't heard from him yet, this was 3 days ago. I feel better now that I knwo what happened. But man, is this it? Do you think i will hear from him again? I had the right to be upset as well, but ti was the bigger person..I don't think i should call him, and I won't but i do wish that we could mend things you know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 12:47pm

Okay, I didn't know you were "mean" to him, whatever "mean" means. Did he perceive you as too demanding or is that a label you put on yourself?

Of course you were not exclusive yet, but it is no crime to express that you would have loved to have spent the holidays with the new man in your life. It is a compliment, not being demanding at all.

But if you expressed frustration as to why he did not communicate with you, you have every right to expect him to return your calls or text. To leave you hanging is not cool. He could have easily texted you to say, "real busy with work right now, deadlines are looming, in bad mood, would rather speak to you later." Or any number of messages. But he CHOSE to not express any courtesy or concern that you would feel like the floor fell out from under you. Yet, YOU apologize. Do you see how we, as women, get stuck constantly apologizing for not wanting to put up with someone's bad behavior by getting emotional and expressing the upset feeling? By you being "mean" the focus flew right off of him and his behavior and smacked right onto your "bad" behavior. Do you see how you possibly lost an edge here and why you ended up apologizing without even realizing the steps that it took to get you there?

Do you really care what this guy thinks of you? Maybe. But in the long run, maybe you won't. I wouldn't care what any s.o.b. thought of me. Sure, maybe there was a way to handle it so that you can still look like the more mature individual and not lose any edge, but each case is different, and if you never encountered this type of behavior from a man before...then don't beat yourself up. If you want, then try to handle it differently in the future if you see similar experiences with another man.

If you resemble his ex in any way, it is too late now to "apologize for being you". You can't apologize for being you. That's self destructive. If you two don't "mesh" as they say, then there is nothing you can do, but move on. I don't think that you can change who you are, but if you expressed frustration and anger about being abandoned in a way that leaves YOU feeling bad about YOURSELF (not his opinion), then that is something all of us can work on. By leaving you hanging, he abandoned your feelings emotionally. Is it possible that he was not aware of your feelings? Did he possibly perceive you as potentially not really getting upset by not hearing from him? Doubtful, but only you know for sure, not me. As you see there are many different sides to a situation.

Maybe you will hear from him after he digests your apology. But, you deserve an apology too. He left you hanging for too long. Not just a day or two.

This is what happens when people first start dating. We all come to a relationship with built-in expectations and rules that we live by, in relating to others. What some people get offended by, others don't. If this was a break in communication between the two of you, then it would be wise to have a discussion about situations such as this for the future, so you two do not encounter this mishap again. But he needs to know what you expect from him (in terms of being treated respectfully) and you need to know how he wants to be treated. This is if you want a future with this guy.

I know you are upset right now, but, what you can do if you don't want to call him is to write down your feelings, sort them out and have something in your mind when and if he calls you back so you can in an logical way, discuss what happen.

good luck and feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:12pm
Oh my, you are so right. You know, I felt just like you said "why should i be the one apologizing when im the one that was left in the dark?" Yet I still apologized. Yes, I do think i was quick to jump the gun as they say. I assumed things that I shouldn't have but it's only because of my past experiences. I acted on my insticts and i overreacted. I would've rather him tell me that he wasn't into the relationship like i was. But see, I didn't make him do anything he didnt want to do. I made sure that he was able to act on his own without any pressure from me. My only problem now is the waiting around to see if he calls. I'm not physically waiting by the phone but I do wish that it was him calling when it does ring. I get really upset about it and I don't know why. Everything went from steamy to cold in no time. I didn't even get a chance to digest it. So yes, i am very upset about it. I feel like he owes me an apology too and maybe he knows that but won't admit it. I wonder what he's thinking, if he misses me at all! I hope that feeling doesn't last long because it sucks!

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