SO CONFUSED!
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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:33pm |
Hello All,I posted this somewhere else but i need your help!!!!
Well I am here just like everyone else, looking for some insight on what I should do or even think....
I met this guy about 8 years ago, we became very very close, we had a very deep connection from day one. We ended up dating but then i moved and we decided to let it go because of the distance (I moved to California for school). During that time we both started seeing other people, he then called me telling me that he had broken up with his gf and he wanted to give us a try. i was already involved and I didn't know how serious he was so I told him i could't. That was the last time i heard from him. Anyway, years passed and in 2006, after i got married, divorced and had a little girl as a result, i decided to look for him because in reality i always thought about him. When i wrote to him he called me the same day and we talked everyday after that for 4-5 hours. he told me that he had broken up with the same girl but for good..they were together for 5 years. He also said that they just gave up and that he broke it off. Did i mention that he lives in NYC and I live in Maryland? Ok, well about a month later we decided to see eachother again, we hada good time and then he decided to come visit me as well a few weeks later. We messed around but nothing major happened, mainly because he thought it was too soon (yeah, that's what i said..lol) After that he was convinced that he wanted to move to Maryland and he wanted to make things work with me if he moved, he applied for some jobs here and is excited about it. the whole time that we've been talking i've been sort of his backbone, i've been a great freind and helping him become more stable emotionally. He thanks me everyday that goes by, he even told me he really liked me. Tells me i'm a great person and even mentions little things about having kids (something he didn't want from his ex).
Well this is where it gets funny...a few weeks ago he tells me that his ex has been texting him and telling him she misses him. He right away told me i had nothing to worry about. I believed him and let it go. With the holidays coming around, i told him i was going to Boston to spend time with my family, but for New year's we can hang out. Xmas came, everything was normal..he had told me that his parents wanted him to go to see their new house in the caribbean for New year's...didn't even mention anything about us spending time together, anyway..a few days before he left i noticed that he wasn't calling me like he used to. I would call and he talked to me for hours still but yet he just wasn't as much into calling me. Of course by this time i had told him that i was afraid of getting hurt. I know he was leaving this last friday for 10 days. I stopped hearing from him 2 days prior. He never called, never said anything. i called, text, emailed and nothing, NOTHING!!! no response whatsoever...New year's came and not a word form him.
Can any of you please tell me what you think???? I really don't know what to think anymore. Just give it to me straight!!! I just need some advice because he really upset me and he knows how much i care about him.

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You got "ghosted" (so they say) - that sucks.
Obviously something went awry. The only way you'll know is if he tells you. For abandoning you after you were so kind to him I wouldn't even call to see what happened. If he contacts you then if you want to listen to what he has to say, then listen.
Some guys like to see if the girl they are with will "fight" for them. It seems to be going around alot these days. My motto is never compete, he'll never respect you ever again, but he'll enjoy the cat fight. It could any of the many head games that women experience in dating or it could just be he is inconsiderate and got back involved with the other girl when he said it was over and doesn't have the courage to face you with the truth.
Is he still moving to Maryland?
I am sorry you are going through this, but I think Snafu is correct, he ghosted. My advice would be to treat this as a break up and start moving on. You may never know what happened and it will drive you crazy trying to figure it out. Work on getting closure for yourself and letting go of him. Do not call or text or email him anymore, you have firmly put the ball in his court and he is not hitting it back over the net so there is no game here.
Hugs and best of luck,
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
Okay, I didn't know you were "mean" to him, whatever "mean" means. Did he perceive you as too demanding or is that a label you put on yourself?
Of course you were not exclusive yet, but it is no crime to express that you would have loved to have spent the holidays with the new man in your life. It is a compliment, not being demanding at all.
But if you expressed frustration as to why he did not communicate with you, you have every right to expect him to return your calls or text. To leave you hanging is not cool. He could have easily texted you to say, "real busy with work right now, deadlines are looming, in bad mood, would rather speak to you later." Or any number of messages. But he CHOSE to not express any courtesy or concern that you would feel like the floor fell out from under you. Yet, YOU apologize. Do you see how we, as women, get stuck constantly apologizing for not wanting to put up with someone's bad behavior by getting emotional and expressing the upset feeling? By you being "mean" the focus flew right off of him and his behavior and smacked right onto your "bad" behavior. Do you see how you possibly lost an edge here and why you ended up apologizing without even realizing the steps that it took to get you there?
Do you really care what this guy thinks of you? Maybe. But in the long run, maybe you won't. I wouldn't care what any s.o.b. thought of me. Sure, maybe there was a way to handle it so that you can still look like the more mature individual and not lose any edge, but each case is different, and if you never encountered this type of behavior from a man before...then don't beat yourself up. If you want, then try to handle it differently in the future if you see similar experiences with another man.
If you resemble his ex in any way, it is too late now to "apologize for being you". You can't apologize for being you. That's self destructive. If you two don't "mesh" as they say, then there is nothing you can do, but move on. I don't think that you can change who you are, but if you expressed frustration and anger about being abandoned in a way that leaves YOU feeling bad about YOURSELF (not his opinion), then that is something all of us can work on. By leaving you hanging, he abandoned your feelings emotionally. Is it possible that he was not aware of your feelings? Did he possibly perceive you as potentially not really getting upset by not hearing from him? Doubtful, but only you know for sure, not me. As you see there are many different sides to a situation.
Maybe you will hear from him after he digests your apology. But, you deserve an apology too. He left you hanging for too long. Not just a day or two.
This is what happens when people first start dating. We all come to a relationship with built-in expectations and rules that we live by, in relating to others. What some people get offended by, others don't. If this was a break in communication between the two of you, then it would be wise to have a discussion about situations such as this for the future, so you two do not encounter this mishap again. But he needs to know what you expect from him (in terms of being treated respectfully) and you need to know how he wants to be treated. This is if you want a future with this guy.
I know you are upset right now, but, what you can do if you don't want to call him is to write down your feelings, sort them out and have something in your mind when and if he calls you back so you can in an logical way, discuss what happen.
good luck and feel better.
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