SO CONFUSED!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
SO CONFUSED!
25
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:33pm

Hello All,I posted this somewhere else but i need your help!!!!

Well I am here just like everyone else, looking for some insight on what I should do or even think....

I met this guy about 8 years ago, we became very very close, we had a very deep connection from day one. We ended up dating but then i moved and we decided to let it go because of the distance (I moved to California for school). During that time we both started seeing other people, he then called me telling me that he had broken up with his gf and he wanted to give us a try. i was already involved and I didn't know how serious he was so I told him i could't. That was the last time i heard from him. Anyway, years passed and in 2006, after i got married, divorced and had a little girl as a result, i decided to look for him because in reality i always thought about him. When i wrote to him he called me the same day and we talked everyday after that for 4-5 hours. he told me that he had broken up with the same girl but for good..they were together for 5 years. He also said that they just gave up and that he broke it off. Did i mention that he lives in NYC and I live in Maryland? Ok, well about a month later we decided to see eachother again, we hada good time and then he decided to come visit me as well a few weeks later. We messed around but nothing major happened, mainly because he thought it was too soon (yeah, that's what i said..lol) After that he was convinced that he wanted to move to Maryland and he wanted to make things work with me if he moved, he applied for some jobs here and is excited about it. the whole time that we've been talking i've been sort of his backbone, i've been a great freind and helping him become more stable emotionally. He thanks me everyday that goes by, he even told me he really liked me. Tells me i'm a great person and even mentions little things about having kids (something he didn't want from his ex).

Well this is where it gets funny...a few weeks ago he tells me that his ex has been texting him and telling him she misses him. He right away told me i had nothing to worry about. I believed him and let it go. With the holidays coming around, i told him i was going to Boston to spend time with my family, but for New year's we can hang out. Xmas came, everything was normal..he had told me that his parents wanted him to go to see their new house in the caribbean for New year's...didn't even mention anything about us spending time together, anyway..a few days before he left i noticed that he wasn't calling me like he used to. I would call and he talked to me for hours still but yet he just wasn't as much into calling me. Of course by this time i had told him that i was afraid of getting hurt. I know he was leaving this last friday for 10 days. I stopped hearing from him 2 days prior. He never called, never said anything. i called, text, emailed and nothing, NOTHING!!! no response whatsoever...New year's came and not a word form him.

Can any of you please tell me what you think???? I really don't know what to think anymore. Just give it to me straight!!! I just need some advice because he really upset me and he knows how much i care about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:39pm

The thing is...you dated this guy before. Was he the type to just disappear before?

You said, you moved to California and looked him up later on in life to find him because he never really left your mind or heart. The ex that you remind him of...is this the ex of 5 years? Did he have a habit of bailing on her? Did she have the same reactions as you to it? Is that why he said you reminded him of her?

You also mentioned previously that you helped to stabilize him emotionally after this breakup and became his backbone, as you said. What was he unstable about?

You see, you have all the answers to your questions...it is just a matter of time until you can separate your heart from your mind and let your rational mind take over and you'll see what you need to see.

It sucks when you really like someone and he becomes flighty or disconnected or aloof out of nowhere. But if he needs a strong shoulder to cry on or to talk to someone for general emotional support maybe he also needs a therapist, not just a girlfriend.

He knows now he should have called you and how you react if someone drops the ball with you. He needs to ponder that before he makes a move towards you again. You said that at Christmas everything was normal until he went on this trip. And that prior to the trip he stopped calling you, but would talk to you, if you called him. Did he tell you that he was not going to contact you until after New Years?

Do you think that the idea of a move too much for him right now? Did he get in over his head? Does he have a problem with confrontation?

Don't beat yourself up over how you reacted, whether you feel you overreacted or not. It is okay that you apologize to him if you felt that you were mean to him, don't feel bad that you offered the first apology. The fact of the matter is that you, based on what you said, have been a great friend to this guy...and if he was a responsible person he should have at least been a friend back to you. Besides not following through as a potential love interest, he let you down as a friend. It sounds like you are willing to forgive him and would like to start over. Maybe he does too. Maybe there is something else going on in his life that he has not discussed with you.

Do you still perceive him as someone who can carry his weight in a relationship?

You mentioned that his parents have a home in the caribbean. Does he come from a wealthy family and have you met them yet? Are they in favor of him moving to Maryland?

I hope he calls you because it seems like you really like this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 5:23pm

The only time he did it before was when he knew i was upset with him about something. It happened once before, he said he didn't knw what to say and it wasn't even anything major. The ex is the ex of 5 years...and he said my BEHAVIOR was the same as that of his ex, she would act up when he wouldn't be home (he's in the law enforcement field) and he said that she didn't understand that so she would leave him, but she left him a few times and guess the last time he got tired and left her.

I think i'm seeing little by little how unhealthy it is to be with someone like that. He hasn't acknowledged the fact that he hurt me and maybe that's why it hurt me the most. He is the type to not call because he doesn't know how to address an issue, he hates confrontations. But that's not good in my book, i like to discuss things before they get crazy, like it did now.

Honestly i think the fact that i reacted the way i did made him think twice and so he freaked out about the whole thing. But he's not looking at what he's doing, only what i've done. It's not fair I know this, I've been more than patient with him and trust me it will only be a matter of time before i realize 100% that he's not worth it. No man should ignore a woman's feelings and vice versa, that's destructive behavior. I'm sure he will realize that he took it too far, but of course by then it's always too late. The more time goes by the less I want to be with him.

And to tell you the truth, i am more upset about him hurting me as a friend than a girlfriend. I could care less if he doesn't want to see me that way anymore, but at least be honest and treat me the way I've treated you. I was such a great friend to him and for something like this he wants to drop the ball? Yeah I see what you mean.

About his parents, they're not wealthy but they live pretty good. And no they don't agree with him moving one bit. Maybe that had something to do with it too. Maybe that's why they wanted him to go with them on their trip, maybe they felt he was moving too fast. Ah the possibilities..lol

I think he'll come around, or maybe i'm hoping he does. But i think for sure he freaked out and doesn't know what to do. He probably doesn't want to get in too deep and then find himself in the same situation. But that's not my problem, just like i took my past experience out on him, he did the same and now it's his turn to apologize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 6:52pm
Ahhh, now I understand more. I thought it was your reaction to his faux pas that reminded him of his ex. And by telling you this is the reason he is not with her, maybe that will change YOUR reaction to it, thus lessening the blow to him the next time. I am sorry that he hasn't acknowledged your hurt, he is losing a good friend. Does the type of work he does in law enforcement require him to be gone for days at a time without disclosing where he is and what he is doing? I couldn't deal with that. He may stay away for a while and then contact you, like you said, because he freaked out or wants you to cool down. If you really dig this guy, then hopefully your great willingness to communicate issues will help strengthen this relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:04pm
Surprisingly enough, I don't know if it's false hope on my part but I feel a little better about evrything. No, nothing has changed but maybe in time things will clear up. I don't feel so bad anymore. Well, for now anyway. =) Yes, trust me I know what you mean about his job, he has that kind of job that any woman would hate for their man to have. Always on call, weird,long hours. The whole thing about him not calling just makes me wonder what he's thinking right now. I don't see how can someone be upset this long. I guess I'm different about handling issues but I try not to think about it. I also wondered why he mentioned his ex on the text as well and how that's 1 reason he's not with her (I did accuse him of being with her). So maybe he said it so I know I'm wrong? I can't even go back and read the emails I sent, that's how stupid i feel. In a way I think he knows he's wrong and he doesn't know how to address it...it's like yeah he's upset but he has to know that he was wrong, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:36pm

Maybe you are right, maybe he said it so that you would understand that it is a trait that he doesn't like. there are so many sides to a situation that it is impossible to know why someone does something unless they, themselves tell you.

He may feel bad because things ended that day poorly, but he may not feel he is wrong. Because men and women are so different and they way they process information is so different, it could be...that he thinks its over, when possibly it is not over. But it would be over because of your actions.

You can try contacting him to see if he wants to "kiss and make up". Just because he hasn't contacted you (maybe due to his job) or because of male pride, it doesn't mean he wouldn't like a reconcilation. He's a guy, he may never be the type of person to make the first move (difficult to deal with). But if his parents don't want him moving, then eventually the relationship will hit a wall. Hopefully he can grow strong and stable without leaning on you heavily. If was open to suggestion, then maybe he might be a partner who can better effectively communicate his feelings and provide a shoulder for you to cry on, as well. Just disappearing is not something a friend does to another friend. Are there any other guys that interest you? I know that sounds harsh, I don't mean to blow him off but it doesn't sound like he added anything special emotionally to YOUR life. You have done lots for him. but you haven't elaborated on any of that. Well, if you think he knows he's wrong and doesn't want to address it...then remember that...because when times get tough he could do it again. What you see is what you get in the dating world.

I am glad you are feeling better about everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:22pm

To give you an update, he actually left a message telling me he's been doing training for his job. Been really busy. We haven't talked but he let me know that's what he's up to. I guess it's a good sign that he wants me to know. And at least he's now opening up little by little. I think he does want to continue but what happened made him second guess himself. I'm just going to give him some time and let him realize it on his own. I do have guys interested in me as well. No problem there =) But I'm sure you know how it is when you want to be with that one person. Like I said, he knows that we have great chemistry and I shouldn't have to convince him of anything, that's his job to realize what he wants. If it takes him too long then by then I might've moved on already but he cannot say that i didn't try. For what i see though, he is trying a little bit. I just won't push the issue though.

Thank you so much for hearing me out!! Hopefully things will work out in the end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:06am
Oh...he extended the olive branch, did he? Interesting development. I guess he is feeling you out to see if you are still interested in him. What did you do? Did you reply? I am glad that you have other guys interested in you. I know how it feels to want to be with a particular person, yet, it doesn't seem to work. Other guys can seem pale by comparison. But sometimes you meet someone who makes the object of your affection seem pale. Definitely keep your options open. Did he apologize for disappearing on you? That is when you know he is definitely trying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:45pm

Well, he hasn't apologized yet...it's been a very slow process...we've text messaged here and there but no solid conversation yet. Maybe he feels bad for overreacting and doesnt know how to start one. I don't think i should be the one to call right? As of now it's been just that. I dont want to walk away and wonder if i should've tried a little harder but im sure getting tired of the waiting around. Maybe it's a good thing, but then i think if i should let it go and move on. Ah this is confusing. I really like him and would love for us to be exclusive but again, i think that should come from him..im very old-fashioned lol

We'll see..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: vixen1023
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:27pm
One can only do what one is comfortable doing. If you are comfortable phoning him, but he is in training, right? But if you are comfortable phoning him since he stepped into the area, then go ahead. You can wait, but then you could be waiting for a long time. Is he the type who can apologize? Some people are real bad about it, like it destroys their pride or standing in the world. silly. It really depends on how bad you want a relationship with him and whether he is still worth the investment. I would check to see if you two are still on the same page before plunging in with your heart again. See if he is still moving near you, will be more in touch as one in a relationship is when apart, etc. Make sure that you both want the same things and expect the same from each other. Other wise you'll be right back to where you started. I accept that men like the old fashioned system in the sense that if a man doesnt chase it, it won't be of value to him later. Men like women who approach first, because it is nice, easy and an ego boost for them, but so many times they don't value the woman who does that approaching in their lives. I think it shouldn't matter, but theories are wonderful, reality is something else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: vixen1023
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 6:41pm
That is exactly my point, I don't want to be the one calling him, he knows I tried and so i think he should be the one trying now. It has to be a give and take. Maybe it is best for me to "wait" only because then I will know how serious he really is. I know it sucks but im not trying to sit and home waiting either. I've been pretty busy thank God! In a way I think that after I overreacted with him he will prob expect it again, who knows, maybe he's waiting it out too because he thinks I WILL call but he will probably wonder why I haven't and then call me. I hate this back and forth thing but somtimes it's the best way to handle it. Men aren't too good at straight up converstaions for us to get our point accross, no action gets them moving. And you know what? It dawned on me a few days ago why he always came around and tried to be with me in the first place, it's because I never stressed him out. He wouldn't call for a day or two and I acted like it was no biggie (Of course at the time i had other things in mind). So he would then call me every single day and talk to me more and more! I have learned so much these past few weeks. Sometimes our insecurities get in the way of great things and we don't even realize it. Of course he has things to work out himself. But only time will tell and I don't think this is the last I will hear from him...I hope.