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| Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:33pm |
Hello All,I posted this somewhere else but i need your help!!!!
Well I am here just like everyone else, looking for some insight on what I should do or even think....
I met this guy about 8 years ago, we became very very close, we had a very deep connection from day one. We ended up dating but then i moved and we decided to let it go because of the distance (I moved to California for school). During that time we both started seeing other people, he then called me telling me that he had broken up with his gf and he wanted to give us a try. i was already involved and I didn't know how serious he was so I told him i could't. That was the last time i heard from him. Anyway, years passed and in 2006, after i got married, divorced and had a little girl as a result, i decided to look for him because in reality i always thought about him. When i wrote to him he called me the same day and we talked everyday after that for 4-5 hours. he told me that he had broken up with the same girl but for good..they were together for 5 years. He also said that they just gave up and that he broke it off. Did i mention that he lives in NYC and I live in Maryland? Ok, well about a month later we decided to see eachother again, we hada good time and then he decided to come visit me as well a few weeks later. We messed around but nothing major happened, mainly because he thought it was too soon (yeah, that's what i said..lol) After that he was convinced that he wanted to move to Maryland and he wanted to make things work with me if he moved, he applied for some jobs here and is excited about it. the whole time that we've been talking i've been sort of his backbone, i've been a great freind and helping him become more stable emotionally. He thanks me everyday that goes by, he even told me he really liked me. Tells me i'm a great person and even mentions little things about having kids (something he didn't want from his ex).
Well this is where it gets funny...a few weeks ago he tells me that his ex has been texting him and telling him she misses him. He right away told me i had nothing to worry about. I believed him and let it go. With the holidays coming around, i told him i was going to Boston to spend time with my family, but for New year's we can hang out. Xmas came, everything was normal..he had told me that his parents wanted him to go to see their new house in the caribbean for New year's...didn't even mention anything about us spending time together, anyway..a few days before he left i noticed that he wasn't calling me like he used to. I would call and he talked to me for hours still but yet he just wasn't as much into calling me. Of course by this time i had told him that i was afraid of getting hurt. I know he was leaving this last friday for 10 days. I stopped hearing from him 2 days prior. He never called, never said anything. i called, text, emailed and nothing, NOTHING!!! no response whatsoever...New year's came and not a word form him.
Can any of you please tell me what you think???? I really don't know what to think anymore. Just give it to me straight!!! I just need some advice because he really upset me and he knows how much i care about him.

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It's obvious that men like a situation where they are not pressured into anything. So he felt no "obligation" so he called everyday. But...eventually everyone feels obligation to a relationship working. Some men believe everything needs to "click" all the time, like in the early stages of dating. they want a honeymoon period all the time. That is not a realistic expectation from any woman.
Good for you not staying home waiting by the phone. He will sense that. Knowing he doesn't have you wrapped around his finger will prompt him to either fish or cut bait. Maybe that is whatever game he is into. The cat and mouse game doesn't work for me. I couldn't deal with what you are going through. The way I am is, either you want or you don't want me...if you play elusive games, then I assume you don't want me. I am the straight up type, as well.
Well, it is okay to make sure he respects you and doesn't disappear on you. Maybe the way in which you communicated your unhappiness is what you are displeased with about yourself. But it is okay for him to anticipate that you are not going to take his garbage.
You sound down today vixen1023. Well, if men aren't testing us about time spent with them, then it is about something else, like testing to see if we care by making us jealous. That usually backfires however.
Obviously this man needs a women who doesn't need a lot of time from him. The question is whether or not you are more content with a piece of him than a "whole" of someone else.
What about this is too much work? Is it being understanding that he is not around, or is it something else?
Women also like to make excuses for men (and soften some blows to the heart) instead of looking at the cold hard facts. Like, (this is not your case) "he's scared of commitment". He is not "scared" of commitment, he just doesn't want to be in a commitment with you, Miss X. In your case, he might be overwhelmed with work, but men are raised to feel that women should be more understanding about things like that. It is rare to find men bending to fit in to a busy woman's life. Women move with men all the time because the man's job relocates, but I have never met a man who moved because his wife's work relocated. In your situation, if he wanted to behave in a way that indicated to you that he wanted a serious relationship, then he would behave that way.
Men are pretty direct and simple and basic. At least they used to be....and we, as women, were able to figure out whether a man was interested in us for a relationship or just sex by their actions. Alot of guys play games these days, moreso than ever. And alot of the game playing may have nothing to do with getting sex quickly and with the least amount of investment as possible. But instead of women trying to figure out what kind of game he is playing...it is far better to just know that he is not treating them the way that they deserve to be treated and not waste precious time trying to figure out the nature of the game...it is a game...that is all one has to know to know that the guy is not right for them.
In your case, the answer is unclear to me because of a lack of detail. But you knew him years ago and if he was like this years ago, he obviously has not changed. He may just want a woman in his life who he can see from time to time and not want to invest heavily in a serious relationship. The ball is in your court.
I hear what you're saying very clearly. I don't think it's a sex thing between me and him however. I think we both know the connection is there, just the timing isn't right. Just when we were planning to start something together this opportunity for work came along and it is a once in a lifetime thing so who am I to tell him I'd rather him be here with me instead? I say this because that's how I would react to it as well.
He left me a message a few days ago, said that he's not mad or upset but that he's been consumed with his training and barely has time for anything, I've been there before so i know how it can be. Keep in mind that we hadn't been talking for long so I can't expect too much from him at this time. Yes, you can say that I should but again, im not making excuses, just looking at it as if it was me you know. He did say that they told him it gets easier in about a month or two. So all i can do until then is continue to live my life and see what happens from all angles. It's not like he's on vacation..lol he's in a very intense environment...so for now i just have to be understanding and hope for the better. And like you said, men are pretty straightforward so I would assume that he would tell me if things weren't there for him like they used to be, if not he wouldn't have tried to make me undertand what he is doing what he's going through right now. He told me it has been hard for him.
Who knows, maybe when he's ready to start something I have moved on to something else but for now I am ok where I am. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, so instead of nagging and complaining i will try to be understanding and supportive. I know it makes all the difference. And the advantage I have is that I know that is why his last relationship failed so if I really want one with him that is what it will take. Other than this one thing, he is a great guy, we are very emotionally intimate, especially him towards me so there is a good chance that it might work now that I know what's going on.
Good, you did get a chance to talk to him. I didn't mean to imply it was just a sex thing between the two of you, I didn't think I said that. I'm glad that you see a future for the two of you and that it is not just a part-time relationship that he wants. it is difficult to see "him" with limited info on these posts. So I don't mean to offend you or him with my responses. I am sure you are able to go into more detail with your friends since you get to actually talk to them.
You are very understanding of his situation. I wouldn't be so understanding, but that is just me. Usually what has been presented to me early on in a relationship is usually how it stayed. So, I don't ever accept "things are just bad right now" because it never usually gets better, it only gets worse. So, from my past experiences, I have a different mind set to these types of situations. But, your situation may be completely different. Based on what you just posted, it is a different situation. Keep us tuned in and good luck!
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