So confused... dating a military man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
So confused... dating a military man
7
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:01am
Well I met my ex-boyfriend some time ago (about 2 years) and we've had our ups and down. He's in the military (Marine Corps). He's met my family, I've met his. His family loves me and vice versa. We've broken up several times due to his cheating. It's happened so many times. He's honest in telling me for that is what we agreed upon. (At least that's one good thing about him) During our break ups he's dated other women but we've remained on the edge of what you could call a relationship.

So I've out lasted a couple of flings, an ex-girlfriend he wanted to marry and an ex-wife. Understand I've been there for this Marine. Deployment, field ops and travels to the other side of the world. I've sent letters, care-packages and whatever else he needed and or wanted.

I was asked by him to visit his duty station and had a horrible time. Basically he ended up with someone new.. again. After returning home, finding out I was pregnant, having a miscarrage and a slew of arguments, he told me he was engaged to this new woman he'd met while I was visiting him. I was crushed and decided that leaving him alone would be best.

We have a weird kind of bond and it always brings us back together. About 5 months after the trip he contacted me and we began over. (Yes, he's still engaged) I don't know what to do. He's no longer at his old duty station but a lot closer. He's asked that I visit him at his new post and I'm confused. He's asked that I come a week before he's do to visit his fiancee at her duty station so that they could plan their wedding. It's hurting me to hear about this but I feel it would hurt more if I lose him now after so long.

I feel as if his fiancee is the other woman because I was there first.

She hasn't met his family like I have. She hasn't been there for him or gone thru have as much as I. I left wondering why not me and why her?

HELP!!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:12am
You need to wake up and smell the coffee...he is marrying HER, not you! (Not that he's any great prize, anyway) It doesn't matter that you were there first, he is marrying her. I'm sure he has no problem selfishly accepting whatever you're willing to give him but he does not want to marry you (and you should thank your lucky stars for that...all you'd get would be a cheating husband instead of a cheating bf).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 3:51pm
Well Sheri... a funny thing happened. I went to see him at his new base recently after he begged me to come. I told him if I did I would tell his fiancee if I had the chance. I went to his new place after driving hours to get there for where I live. He was up waiting for me. When I got there his fiancee called and he didn't answer. He never called her back either.

I woke up in the middle of the night and got her number from the phone and called her when I returned home the next day. Told her who I was and how long I had been with him. To my surprise... she wasnt upset nor was she shocked. She actually thanked me and wanted to call me back later that evening to talk some more. I made him aware of what I did and he wasn't upset either. (Weird)

She went home after flying from the west coast where she had business. He was at her home after flying from his base. (she's also military) When she reached home that morning, after talking to him and then calling me. She said she felt that he was happier with me than she was with him. I was puzzled. How did she come to that conclusion? Beats the heck out of me but she said it and he never dissputed it.

Now I have some relief in feeling that I'm not longer a secret and if she continues to deal with him... she already knows that I'm a package deal. Not that I will definately be with him but it's hard to let go. I am trying but I'm being realistic too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 5:20pm
because you're a nice piece on the side...you never demand to be the one, you never demand to be exclusive, you never demand that he drop everyone else for you...he sees you as an easy, uncomplicated lay. You totally flatter his ego. You're someone that he can keep around forever that doesn't require commitments and exclusivity. You've proven it over and over again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 5:24pm
She didn't back out? That's very interesting...I wonder what her deal is? If you're all up for an open relationship, that's fine. I just wonder about you...don't you want to really be with someone? Why him? Is the entire attraction you have towards him the very fact that he's not available?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 7:09pm
Sounds like you deserve each other then. Good luck.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:38am
Thank god it's not you!

This guy cannot stay faithful. Why would you want to marry someone like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:46pm
Girl leave this loser alone. There are so many people you could become close to and so many men out there that would treat you so much better. I know you feel like well I am the one close to his family and stuff but to tell you the truth you are not the one he is marrying she is and that is just life. Move on. Most men want to know that they have a back up in case the real girlfriend does not work out mainly for there egos and this sounds like what he is doing to you. He wants to make sure he has someone waiting. Do you really want to be that girl. Don't you want someone that you know just cares about you and just wants to be with you. Don't ever settle when it comes to that. Sounds like with this guy he will always be a cheater. Hope you find someone better.