so confused..need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
so confused..need advice
2
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 3:04am
I've been in a long distance thing since september, things have been great, we talked online as friends and then with the intention of more but decided to see if we connected in person as much as we did online, we did and its been great, he's met my family and they get along great, I've met his friends and most of his family and we have a blast together. He's said he wants me to move out there and we had made plans, I was excited about it, although it wouldn't have been till the summer. He was last out the beginning of december and did our christmas together as he wasn't able to come back for christmas and i am broke so can't go out there. Anyways, he went back home and everything was ok for a few days, we talked and txt msgd like we always do and then last Sunday I talked to him briefly in the morning and then didn't hear from him for two days, he's never gone a whole day without sending me at least one txt so I was kind of curious but left it the first day, I sent a couple but other then that just left it, the second day when I still hadn't heard back from him i sent him another one asking that he just send a txt to let me know he was ok, he replied that he was in the north working and would talk to me around the 24th. That threw me because when he goes on long hauls he always calls to say goodbye. So I asked if something had happened between us that I had missed or something. he replied with "like I said we'll talk at a later date." When I didn't hear from him on the 24th or on Christmas I called because I wanted to know what the heck was going on with us and where we stood, because it didn't sound good. Anyways, he thought that I had hooked up with my ex again. I had borrowed some money from him but I had talked to my bf about it first because i didn't want to take it without him knowing about it. He said he was cool with it and knows I was in a difficult situation in order to have to ask my ex for the money. I would have asked my bf for it but he'd just bought me new tires and was saying how he was short of money so it made it sound like he didnt' have money to pay his own bills let alone mine. So it turned out he wasn't as cool with it as he said, I was pretty naive to think he would be, the money has since been paid back and i havent' spoken to or seen my ex since he gave me the money, i returned the money to his mother. My bf also has some other things going on and said he doesn't want me there till he's sorted out his life, which makes sense and i'm fine with it, he says he still loves me but he's been burned badly in the past (he has majorly) so he has to decide where he's at in life (family and work wise) before he wants me to move out there. He leaves tomorrow for another stint up north and he'll be gone for 6 weeks, he said he'd txt and email when he has service and a chance so it will give us time to think about things and figure out what we want. The thing is he said he'd call tonight to say goodbye and hasn't, and he leaves really early in the morning so I know he wont call before he leaves. He knows how much I hate it when ppl promise they'll call and then dont, and its twice in a week that he's done this now. Am I just holding on to something that is no longer there? I'm not anxious or ready yet myself to move out there and dont feel like i've been pressuring him at all, I also won't do a long distance thing indefinitly. I told him I would give him the time he needs and we could try and connect again through emails and such while he was away, but now I'm thinking that was the wrong decision cause i almost feel like I'm just going to get hurt in the end, I love him though so I dont want to end things. I also dont know if I can wait 6 weeks to find out what will happen to us...anyways, any advice, ideas, whatever i'd appreciate, what would you do in my situation? my mom thinks i should wait the 6 weeks, my sister thinks i should dump him and find someone new closer to me...my sister has never really liked him and my mom already thinks of him as a son so my advice from them doesn't really help me. Thankx in advance for anything you can give me
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:01am

Before you start worrying about your boyfriend, I would get your financial house in order. I can see why boyfriend would be a little miffed about you borrowing money from an ex. So if you really like this guy you have 6 weeks to put some savings together in order to avert another financial crisis in the future.

Rather than worrying about what boyfriend is going to do, worry about what you want, and don't want. Take a few weeks to figure out whether you can deal anymore with this LDR, or whether you actually want to move "out there" wherever that may be. Boyfriends are nice, but upending your life for a guy who has issues is another ballgame altogether.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:35pm
You may come across as pushy and impatient to him. Slow things down and take it easy.
If he does not call/txt everyday, it is ok... now promissing to call and not following up is bad. It is something you can discuss with him separately but I would wait the 6 weeks and see where things go. You say you love him so you wont be ready to meet anyone new in the next 6 weeks. Work on yourself and try to be more patient and have interests other than BF , when he is back you will be more capable of making a wise decision whatever that may be...