So intimidated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
So intimidated!
7
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 3:34am

After recently ending a 2 year relationship, I'm starting to date again for the first time. I have been set up on a sort of "blind" date with a seemingly great guy.

The only problem... I am INCREDIBLY INTIMIDATED by him! He is an Ivy League student, very good looking, ridiculously wealthy, smart and appears to constantly be surrounded by beautiful people.

I am a college senior at a fairly good school.. however, it is not nearly Ivy League. I am considered to be very "pretty," my grades are quite good, and I come from a successful family. Although I am grateful for what I have and am usually fairly confident, this date is driving me crazy and eating away at my self-esteem.

I know I am being silly and immature, but I am new to the dating scene and don't quite know how to manage my nerves. I would love to date a guy like this. As cliche as it sounds, I worry that I am not "good enough."

If anyone has had a similar experience or any advice to offer, I would GREATLY appreciate it.
Thank you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 9:40am

You have to work on changing that recording in your head that is asking if you are good enough. Of course you are good enough, the real question is, is this guy good enough for you?! If you don't go into this date thinking that, you will react like a nervous wreck applying for a job you are desparate for. Go into the date as if you are trying him on for size not the other way around. Keep giving yourself positive affirmations and don't let the name of the school that he went to or his credentials intimidate you. He would be a better person to have you by his side.

Good luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:03pm

Your concerns are normal. On the one hand, if one were to size YOU up, you would look like a pretty good catch, especially amongst your peers. On the other hand, it sounds like you might be entering a world that is foreign to you and you would feel as though you would be walking on unfamiliar ground. There is a difference between being in unfamiliar territory, perhaps with some snotty people who might not mesh with, and feeling inferior to those people.

As far as "good enough" that's relative, huh? No. You are good enough for anyone. It is more about "fit". You might want to see how the date goes, before you start envisioning a horror story. You might like him and you might be turned off to him. But if you go into the date with a "not good enough" attitude then you'll project a bad aura about yourself.

If you continue to date and sense his friends feel that you are not good for him or them then you need to dump him because guys usually don't abandon friends for a girl.

Question: when you say "beautiful people" are you talking about physical appearance or "the beautiful people" phrase that goes along with the rich and famous? If he is surrounded by gorgeous women all the time, that would intimidate even the prettiest woman. Men always like "new meat" (as I heard, verbatim, many times from the mouthes of men). A guy could cheat on you with someone gorgeous or someone not so gorgeous, as long as it's "new". But the odds of a guy caving into gorgeous women surrounding him all the time would be highly likely.

So your feelings, again, are normal. I don't know what to tell you about that. I have never been in this position before. If every time I turned around there was a gorgeous woman around him, I'd probably feel as though I'd have to break up with him just "because". You know guys, they want to jump everything. What chance do you have? I'm probably not being very helpful right now. But, at least you know your feelings are normal and don't listen to people who give you the B.S. line "but out of ALL the women he knows, he chose YOU." **cringe** That phrase is so condescending I want to smack the crap out of people when they say that to someone. It has never been said to me, but I see the effect on others.

One thing before I go. I live in South Florida. I used to work in Boca Raton. I used to know many people who live in Boca Raton. There are many "beautiful people" in Boca Raton. And I mean both the physically beautiful and wealthy type personalities. I can't stand Boca Raton. And I am happy I don't live in Boca Raton. Not every person who lives there is like this, but for some reason many people who are drawn to that city have attitudes the size of Texas and they are usually the "new money". They turn their noses up at anyone who doesn't live in a certain neighborhood, drive a certain car, own a certain type of business and they make sure to shove all that they have in one sentence right when they meet you. It is kind of a way of making sure you know that they are superior to you, like in a "one upmanship" kind of way. Yuck. I don't care for these people. There are wealthy people in theworld who do not behave this way. Unfortunately, sometimes they are surrounded by people who do behave this way. Just give it back to them.

Just be proud of who you are. Remember, you are also sizing him up. As your date ends, you may determine that he is not what you want. It is just like going on a job interview. When I interview for a job I am also sizing up the company, asking questions about their long term vision for the company, growth potential, what new products are on the horizon, their mission statements and how they actualize those statements. I also ask the manager about his or her management style. They usually don't like that question, hehehe. then I know he or she is a loser manager. Some companies like meeting a job candidate that does her homework and reviews the company's history and asks questions. Those are the companies that I would prefer to work for. If they don't like my confidence and my feelings of "you also have to be good enough for me", and that I care about myself enough to inquire, then they are not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:05pm
Yogagirl, you are going to laugh. I posted my response before looking at yours. How funny we think alike on this issue, even down to the job interview.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:10pm

That is hilarious! Must be that Florida sunshine or maybe great minds just think alike. :) I didn't realize that you live in Fl., I'm up in Tallahassee.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 3:50pm
Mama, you're putting this guy on a pedestal already! Just because he's smart, good looking and goes to an Ivy League School has no bearing on if he's a good guy or a jerk. Don't stress on his status and good looks too much and you should be fine. Just look at him as someone to go out with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:47am
I'm in South Florida, just south of West Palm Beach. You must do well in job interviews, :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:32pm

It's normal - not only are you having to recover from a broken love affair, you have to face the pressure-cooker known as dating, to face the prospect of having to "impress" someone new, show your best self, trot out your killer stories, etc.


This guy is no better than you, he has his own fears, doubts, esteem issues, etc.

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