So many emotions . . .
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| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:59am |
I'm in my first serious relationship. We've been together for six months. I'm 24. I've dated around a few times, but I'm a quirky girl with really high standards, and to add to the confusion, I've always been more comfortable as a loner with a few friends.
I thought I'd try Internet dating and I met a wonderful man. He's 8 and a half years older and is absolutely the sweetest, kindest, most generous and in many ways, the smartest man I've ever dated. Which is why it is now "serious." He is the only man I've ever slept with, and that part of the relationship is awesome. I know that what we have is very rare and that I am a very lucky girl.
But ever since about our fourth month of dating, doubts and insecurities have invaded my brain. I enjoy my time with him, and I do believe that I love him. I have trouble with the idea of a life without him, in whatever capacity (friend or lover) because he is just such a great guy. But there are several worries that keep coming back to me:
1. I love him, but he is my first everything. Can I ever get comfortable with the idea of settling with the only thing I know? Is there someone else who might be even better?
2. I love him, but I can't quite get comfortable with the idea of real commitments (moving in, marriage, etc)
3. I love him, but am I in love with him?
4. Do I love him as much as he loves me (he's very vocal about how he feels, I hold my cards closer to my vest)?
5. Where is this going and if I'm uncomfortable, does that mean I'm not into HIM or just not into the idea of relationships?
I keep coming back to the understanding that we will either be together forever, or we will not. I'm not comfortable with either option. And I can't stop thinking about it. It literally invades my life. My work has suffered and although I'm seeing a therapist, these overthinking, ruminating episodes can last days, with sleep being my only quiet time in my brain. My work is also very unfulfilling and tedious, and gives me plenty of time to overthink not only my relationship, but my life in general and my career specifically.
Has anyone else had these issues? Does anyone have any advice on how to put my doubts to rest?

I *love* your username! Very clever ;-)!!
Honestly, I think the only way you're going to answer those questions for yourself is through working with a good counselor. There's just too much that is personal to YOU for any of us to venture a guess as to the answers, IMO. Working with someone who gets to know you and your personal issues, history, etc will allow you to make as informed a decision as you can.
But FWIW, it was probably a lot more common a generation or so ago, but lots of couples have been each other's firsts and ended up married (some even happily!) for a lifetime.
Sheri
Agree with Sheri, but unless he is wanting answers you can take as much time as you want and enjoy your time together.
Cheryl
Cheryl
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I talked to him this morning about my doubts- I'm glad I did but I feel like I don't know enough about myself in relationships to stop feeling the doubts and insecurities. I want so badly to just let myself fall into this and let what happens happen. And he is an incredible guy- I can't imagine what my life would be like without him.
But here's my latest worry- I'm 24 and I keep thinking about other guys. Not really *real* guys, but the *idea* of guys. I keep thinking there may be someone out there who I can love without these doubts and insecurities. But the thought of leaving my current BF rips me apart as well.
I can't get out of this catch-22. If I'm with him, I'm curious. If I'm not with him, I miss him.
He keeps telling me there are no expectations. Why do I expect so much of myself?