So Many ? In My Mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
So Many ? In My Mind
12
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:49am
Sometimes I enjoy my boyfriend, but on the whole I feel I've just settled. We've been together for about a year. He's pretty good with my kids but obviously favors his daughter, though not flagrantly obviously. Anyway, only my son, a troubled kid, likes him. When I start feeling better about myself, my bfs treatment of myself and my kids really begins to bug me. He's not really abusive, just trite and sarcastic a lot. I don't really like his personality. In fact, we get along better the less we see of each other. He won't even tell me he loves me. Says he doesn't know if he's ever loved anyone, even though he's been in seven year long relationships before, off and on. I seriously question if he knows how to love and/or make a commitment. I feel when we're together too much he'd rather being doing something else with someone else. Often, I feel it's other women. He has a rather low libido, but I can hear his breathing become more rapid and his pulse rate quicken when a woman's body is flashed on t.v. Men always say that's normal, but why don't I get all worked-up seeing men's bodies? I think it's just an excuse. Anyway, I don't like him that much but my son pretty much dictates my life. He's so angry all the time I need an angry man to control him, or at least one who seems like he's willing to bully. Is that pathetic or what? Maybe my son wouldn't be such a bully if a good man was a role model to him, but I've heard about kids who take advantage of both parents and/or become wholly unreachable. I don't particularly like my situation. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:05am

I think you ought to go back and reread what you posted.

You say:

"He's so angry all the time I need an angry man to control him"

Is this some sort of new psych methodology???? Your son is learning from a pro. Therapy for you, therapy for your son, stat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:17am
Thanks for the sympathetic response? We've had therapy. News flash. Therapy doesn't work, either. Sometimes you have to take the situation you've got and work with what you have. Maybe that doesn't enter the minds of those with sheltered lives. No, it's not some kind of psych methodology, as you put it. It's a coping strategy. It's either that or have him removed from the home. Which would you prefer? Sometimes kids get so bad in their teen they throw knives through their mother's bedroom doors, presumably because of anger at the biological dads. I'm trying to circumvent that. No, it hasn't happened to me. Most people compliment me on how well behaved my children are, but most would agree that my son likes to intimidate people, and often succeeds. What am I supposed to do with that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:28pm

I tried to amend my last post a little but it didn't get thru for some reason. After I calmed down, I could see your point. I don't want my son learning from another "pro". I guess I thought that if he had the chance to work through his issues with his dad with another man, with a different result, that things might turn-out better for him. However, men like that bother me and my tolerance for them is low. I have kind of a low tolerance for my son's behavior, also. I generally consider myself easy-going otherwise.

Anyway, maybe we could try counseling again. My son was in it for over four years, some family counseling. He's very resistant to change.

At any rate, sorry for my vehemence. I almost lost my son once and I'm afraid of losing him altogether, in one way or another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:29pm

What are you supposed to do?

You meet with his teachers, you read books, you get advice from friends, from message boards, from professionals, you try different methods, you figure out why your son is so angry and address the situation. What you don't do is allow a man who is not your husband, not a blood relative and has no professional training to verbally, emotionally or physically control your troubled child just because it is the easiest path for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:01pm
Golightly,
I hate to tell you this, but you need to get rid of that man. He's adding to the problem, not helping. Your son is learning that angry outbursts are okay, because the man you're with is his role model. And if you're unhappy, then it only adds to the problem. Your son may like him, but in the longrun, this man will do more harm than good. Do you have other children? Do they like him? If not, then all the more reason to lose that man. One angry teenager cannot dictate everyone's lives. The sooner he learns that he can't control people, the better off he'll be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:09pm
Thanks everyone for your responses. I really appreciated your kind approach, gingersnapelle. I guess I've just been denying reality to myself because life seemed so hard at the time. It's getting easier, however, and it's time to make some positive changes for the future. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:24pm
You know your number one job in this world is to protect your children and prepare them to function as adults in the world. This man is not contributing to that job. He needs to go if simply for the sake of showing your children that you can take control of a situation. Not to mention all the other reasons you listed. Therapy does work and if you have an angry teenager that can only be controlled by the anger of an adult, you need to get him there as soon as possible. If I were you, I'd go too because you've got to figure out why you've chosen someone to be in your life and the lives of your children that is extremely unhealthy and makes you feel like you're settling. A good therapist will help you realize this and ways to become the sort of person you feel you really deserve.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 5:07pm
Good for you! I'm glad you are making some positive changes. There are good men out there to date. A stable guy who is good with kids and your son will adore. If the guy is a good guy and gets along with your son, sooner or later, your son will take him as a role model and make positive changes in his life. If however, Mr. Right doesn't come along right away, don't despair. The wrong guy is more damaging to your son's well being than no guy. A lot of people I know stay in bad relationships "because their son needs a father figure". But I've seen more problems occur with the "father figure" in the house than before he ever moved in. Many of these problems are caused by the "father figure".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 8:56pm
You're both right. I know counseling can work, but only if people let it and/or the counselors are good. Unfortunately, I ran into a very unethical one at a critical juncture in my life, but that's another story. I think that at the time I got involved with my soon to be ex-boyfriend I needed someone pretty badly to get out of an exploitative relationship, my aforementioned counselor. My son needed to separate from me emotionally. My bf served some purpose for both of us. I feel a bit guilty but I think his purpose in our lives has been fulfilled. If he was kinder, I would keep him but now I think we'll be fine on our own. I totally agree that no man is better than an abusive man, although I'd found it really difficult to escape them. It's really nice to know there are concerned people, like you, out there. Sometimes it's like a shot in the arm. Not to be redundant, but thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:45pm

What you posted is actually quite frightening.

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