So Many ? In My Mind

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
So Many ? In My Mind
12
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:49am
Sometimes I enjoy my boyfriend, but on the whole I feel I've just settled. We've been together for about a year. He's pretty good with my kids but obviously favors his daughter, though not flagrantly obviously. Anyway, only my son, a troubled kid, likes him. When I start feeling better about myself, my bfs treatment of myself and my kids really begins to bug me. He's not really abusive, just trite and sarcastic a lot. I don't really like his personality. In fact, we get along better the less we see of each other. He won't even tell me he loves me. Says he doesn't know if he's ever loved anyone, even though he's been in seven year long relationships before, off and on. I seriously question if he knows how to love and/or make a commitment. I feel when we're together too much he'd rather being doing something else with someone else. Often, I feel it's other women. He has a rather low libido, but I can hear his breathing become more rapid and his pulse rate quicken when a woman's body is flashed on t.v. Men always say that's normal, but why don't I get all worked-up seeing men's bodies? I think it's just an excuse. Anyway, I don't like him that much but my son pretty much dictates my life. He's so angry all the time I need an angry man to control him, or at least one who seems like he's willing to bully. Is that pathetic or what? Maybe my son wouldn't be such a bully if a good man was a role model to him, but I've heard about kids who take advantage of both parents and/or become wholly unreachable. I don't particularly like my situation. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:54pm

Of course I see that what I posted is actually quite frightening. However, you have to realize that no matter how bad things have gotten at times, it doesn't even begin to compare to what I went through as a child. Not that that's an excuse, but healthy attitudes and a whole new way of living don't happen over-night. BTW, my son is doing better lately. It doesn't even seem to bother him that my bfs not around. He'd rather be with his friends now and when he's at home he's not so contentious. He's actually been nice for about five days now. I know it probably sounds unreasonable to people here, but my son was choosing a path like my ex's. I needed to show him first hand what people like that are like and how they effect people. I think he knows now. Before he just always kind of hated and idolized his dad simultaneously. Now he realizes that people like that are only human also. I really wanted a different way but I didn't want him to have to learn the hard way for himself.

I'm looking into therapy for myself soon but my son's therapist discharged him because my son didn't have any desire to try. So as long as he's making a fair adjustment, I'm not going to push him right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:56pm
I'm glad your son is adjusting well. With the ex out of the way, you can teach your son the principals that you want to teach him, without the destructive ex coming along and undoing all your efforts. Your son is happier coming home to a more peaceful household. Even kids who are busy with the friends want a peaceful environment (even though they spend only a little time there). Who knows? Maybe he'll be spending more time at home now that it's just you and him.

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