So Sad -- Advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
So Sad -- Advice please!
6
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:51am
Well, after him persuing me hard for months, and telling me he's had feelings or me for years, I agreed to date him, and fell madly in love with him. He's 30 and has never taken a girl to a wedding and he took me to wedding where his entire family was. He said I am only the second woman to ever meet his parents.

Now, 3 months into dating, he tells me he wants to take a step back. That he is not happy and has not been for a few weeks.

I asked him if he felt pressure from me, and he said a little. I have not asked him at all where we stand, or where we are going, so I am a little confused about the pressure. He told me that I knew that he is not good at relationships (his longest was 4 months)

About 3 weeks ago, he told me that I am the closest thing to perfect that he's ever met. And listed 50 things that he loves about me. Now, he tells me that he is not happy. I am sooo confused and sad.

I asked him where this left us. He said that he still wanted to date and spend time together -- just not as frequent. At first he said that he'd want to see other people, but I told him I could not do that and see him at the same time, because of where we are at. To make a long story short, we left it that we were going to take a step back, and NOT see other people. I told him that maybe the pressure that he is feeling is from me because I did not know where we stood. Now that I do know where we stand, I think whatever pressure he feels would be gone.

I told him that I only know how to be myself and that if I did something to make him feel uncomfortable that he should tell me -- becasue I can only act the way I feel.

I am 100 percent in love with him and am soo scared of losing him -- if I have not already. What can I do???? Advice please? Do you guys think that he cares, but is just scared?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:43am
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! I think the "pressure" thing is totally an excuse. He picked up on you saying that and ran with it (you gave him a perfect out!).

I don't think there's much of a chance that things will work out. If he were really excited about you, he wouldn't need a break or to take a step back. I would either stop seeing him (and let him know that he could call you if he changed his mind) or decide how long you would continue to see him if he NEVER changed his mind about being unsure about you, and only see him for that much longer.

Did you watch Oprah yesterday? Your answer is in that book that she covered..."He's Just Not that into You". Men who are really into a woman rise above being "scared".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:11am
I am hoping that he will rise above beinig scared --and am going to give it a shot and see if things change. Especially now that I know where he is coming from. I just feel like I need to give it a shot so that I don't say "what if" one day.

I have fallen in love with this man -- and do believe him when he says he thinks I am perfect -- I need to see how he is with that if I take a step back...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:16am
I totally hear you on the "what ifs". As I said, if you're going to hang in there, I'd make up your mind how long you would stay if he never changed his mind. You don't want to stay too long with someone who is wrong for you when you could be available for someone who is right.

I hope it works out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:30am
Thank you. I just cannot belive I am in this position .. again. Now, I am worried that I "talked him into" not seeing other people. I mean at first he wanted to see others, then I told him that I couldn't be with him and others, so he agreed to just date one another -- but on a more casual note -- did I forces his hand at that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:31pm
I am sorry that you fell in love with this guy...BUT...from an objective position this seems CRAZY. If you are "perfect" why would he want to see other ppl? Think about it - what possible reason could there be? NONE. If he wanted you, if thought you were r/ship material - he would NOT need to keep looking! He's scared? What has that to do with other ppl? Are these other dates going to comfort him & help him face his fears in a way you somehow can't?

You gave this guy love and in return he's made you scared, worried and questioning yourself..."did I force his hand"..."did I do something wrong"...you did NOT do ANYTHING wrong. You asked for what you wanted & needed from him. Congratulations! That shows you ARE ready & able to have a healthy r/ship - too bad your guy isn't.

Good luck,

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:09pm

The key word here is that he said he is not happy.

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