So what do you think

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
So what do you think
9
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:01pm
BACKGROUND:Met a guy online (J) and we are both coming out of divorces (in our 30's). We've been out on several dates, like eachother, get along great, etc. We started talking about being in a relationship and what we were looking for. We both agreed we are looking for a real relationship and not a fling within the next few months...but we neither one are ready to say "yeah, we are in a serious relationship". We are both not into one night stands, casual sex, etc. It's the principal of the thing with anyone, just being out of divorces. He's finishing a degree and looking for a new job that's in his new field, has full custody of a two year old. I'm busy with a big project at work and have a six year old. We both believe in being physical with only one person at a time and we both really like eachother...and yes, maybe to the point of say "we are going to really work on this, introduce kids, etc." at some point.

We've talked about taking this to a physical relationship. I told him that as long as the communication lines are open between us and it is monogomous that I have no problems and he agrees. I was in an exclusive relationship a couple of months ago where he decided I wasn't the one for him and failed to let me know because he enjoyed the sex..he started to get just mean and disrespectful and when I talked to him about it..he told me this and I felt used. So I verbalized this concern to J and he understands where I'm coming from and says he would feel the same way in that situation. We both really feel that as long as we communicate and respect eachother's feelings that right now this is the right decision and we'll date eachother, be physical with only eachother and whatever happens just happens. I really don't feel like this is a FWB thing. We do care for eachother, we aren't dating anyone else, we want to be physical but at this point in our lives..our jobs and kids are priorties for a few months and neither one of us want to stop and say "yes, this is a serious..."lets make this last" kinda thing". Any thoughts, words of wisdom, think I'm nuts, etc? I know that in a few moths one of us may say "I like you but you really aren't the one for me"..and I'm ok with that as long as it's said up front and with honesty. That can happen even after a couple has decided to pursue and admit to a full long term relationship. I just need points of view on this..especially from people who've been thru a divorce or pretty long term relationship and want to date and have an intimacy with someone, yet need to concentrate more fully on jobs/kids for awhile rather than on a relationship. Just go easy on me..ok?..lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:08pm
You were in an "exclusive relationship" a couple of months ago? Now you want to have another but not be serious? Go ahead, but I'll bet you'll be back again soon. You say you don't want a "fling". Well, a fling is exactly what you describe sounds like to me. If that is what you want, go for it, but why deceive yourself?
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:21pm
I think its fine to want the intimacy but I would not introduce your children until you two "figure it out".
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:24pm
Thanks for your thoughts...I guess I've always thought of a fling as just two people who meet once a week for sex and leave...never really talk, etc. We actually plan to go out, date, we really enjoy the conversations we have, etc. In essence we are dating and not dating anyone else. Just aren't ready to say "yep, you are the one and we are going to really concentrate on eachother"....because of our jobs/kids right now...we both need some time to get things in order. Does this make any sense?..am I overanalyzing this?

As for the exculsive relationship I was in a couple months ago...we had introduced our kids some and were really talking long term, forever, future thing and he started it! I found out later I was a rebound for him..he started too serious emotionally to fast..was saying I love you after four weeks, etc. I learned my lesson the hard way on rebounds with that one.

With J..I know this isn't a rebound for him because we've talked about it in depth.

Am I just way off base? Man, I was married 13 years so this dating is new for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:28pm
Thank you...and we definetely have talked that there will be no kids involved until if/when we decided this was a long term committment type of thing.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:30pm

Be VERY honest with yourself about whether you can have sex with someone and not get emotionally attached to them!


I have tried to do what you're doing and it didn't work for me because I can't keep myself emotionally detached.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:37pm
Coming out of a divorce is a really weird time. People do many amazing things. There was a book a few years back I think called "Crazy Time" about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:41pm
HEre's a thought....realize sex is about physical gratification. It doesn't require or automatically inspire emotional investment, involvement, commitment or respect.

If you two are saying "we're dating, we're getting to know one another, we want to get physical and exclusive when we do itwhile seeing if we're compatible on other levels" - that's great...hello, that is PRECISELY what dating is.

You should date for quite awhile - a year at least - before determining if this person really is who you believe they are, think they are, wish they were - you need to see them in a myriad of situations and circumstances, really establish a solid base of honest communication...before any "committing" and comingling of your children become involved.

So, you two are going out to dinner, movies, dancing, etc....and you want to get physical. Great....physical is just physical exclusivity. It's not a guarantee or a promise that you're getting emotionally involved, invested, or attached. If you two haven't discussed whether that type of emotional aspect is mutually desired and defined potentially - you should.

If YOU personally cannot have sex without getting emotionally attached, starting to project inot the future with a less focused, objective, and discerning approach of ensuring this man meets your needs and standards - not just assuming because you're having sex he meets your needs and standards, along with sharing your values and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it- YOU personally should never engage in this type of "casual sex".

That is precisely what you're doing...you're NOT doing FWB. FWB is when neither of you are dating, or desire to date one another...but you've got an established platonic emotional attachment in the form of respect, admiration, and acceptance of one another as individuals. YOu know you don't want to date, to hve a relationship - know yourselves well enought o know that a life without sexual gratification is not for you - so you combine your sexual activities with platonic interests - without a romantic involvment, atmosphere or approach. FWB is you each wanting the best for your friend as your friend determines it to be....and it involves you knowing that at the point where you both value and prioritizing having a relationship - that you'll both choose other partners, and you'll wish each other well, dance at each other's wedding, and never regret "having had great sex...while still retaining great friendship".

If you're having this sex thinking that it guarantees you something - don't. You two are fresh out of relationships and divorces, you're both cast adrift in seas of confusion, turmoil, insecurity, anxiety, fear, anger, and doubt - everything both of you have sacrificed, worked, hoped, and dreamed to have is now "not going to be". Neither of you have re-established your personal identities - you're just floundering in seas of resopnsibilities and doubt and unrest.

You two are now grasping at one another as a life-preserver, a safety net...you easily MIGHT find after you re-establish your identities, your individually complete and fulfilling and successful by personal definition lives that you're quite compatible. You easily might not, and in fact, statistically likely will not. What you prioritize and value now...might be in alignment with your true values and priorities. It also migth be in polar opposition to the values and priorities and boundaries you held in those marriages that have wrought such destruction and heartache at present...but will be re-evaluated, re-defined, and often re-established in different applications in your lives as individuals in the future.

There is nothing wrong with "exclusive" dating.....it's just you two "just dating one another and just sleeping togehter" - it does not imply nor guarantee that has you delve deeper into the realities of this person that you'll find shared interests, goals, values, priorities, definitions of a great life and how to achieve it. But...quite often you can't find out that you don't share those fundamental things wtihtout getting "exclusive" in dating......just realize a desire for sex is not a "desire for you as a person or a life with you" - and you'll be just fine, with him...and the next guy, the next guy, and the next guy.

Don't expect them to adhere to your standards...you live up and if tey don't share those standards - disassociate.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 1:47pm
Boy that just put a lot into perspective for me..thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:05pm
I had to re-read your post a couple of times to figure out what you're asking, and I'm still not sure.

Seems like you're asking whether you should go ahead and get into an sexually exclusive relationship with the man you're dating, but you are not making any promises to each other about the longterm, and you don't consider yourselves "boyfriend/girfriend"??? Did I get it right?

But does this you mean you'd be OK if he dated other women, as long as he was only sleeping with you?

Sex and intimacy are risks you take in ANY relationship. There's nothing you can do to guarantee that you'll stay together. If you feel so hesitant and unsure, you might wait a while longer before you take the relationship to the physical level. More time will allow you to get more comfortable with the guy. If you find out he's NOT what you want, you might feel RELIEVED that you didn't have sex with him.

I got into a very intense relationship while I was still separated. (I know, I know. We aren't supposed to do that.) By the time I got the divorce a year later, I had dumped him. He had gotten me through a vulnerable period in my life, but when I felt better, I found I didn't need or want him anymore. It was pretty sad... the guy really loved me. But he was a classic rebound romance for me.

I don't say that all rebounds turn out badly. My best girlfriend met her husband while they were BOTH separated and in the process of getting divorces. They just celebrated their third wedding anniversary, and they really appear to be well-suited to each other.

But if you get involved with someone too soon after the split (like me), the risks are greater. Just take your time and make the decision that you will be comfortable with.